Empty Your Baggage.

I have come full circle with the Father Fiction book.

I have read the entire book once through. I have blogged the entire book once through. I will now, after completing this post, tuck the book on it's shelf and leave it there, until I feel the need to pick it up again. The "God nudge" to look at it, read a specific thought or chapter, just when I need it. I feel certain that it will not be on my shelf, gathering dust, for long.

In coming full circle, I have blogged through most of the book, chapter through chapter, highlighting lines, paragraphs, thoughts that have struck me and my life. I strongly encourage you to get the book, either from amazon (linked above), another online site, a local bookstore, or even the library (but then you can't write all in it like I did!). And in coming full circle, I have now reached the last chapter. The chapter that hit me the hardest when reading it. The chapter that fueled this post on January 6th.

"When you forgive, you bear the burden that somebody else has given you without holding them accountable."

With forgiveness: "There was still pain, we still might be paying the price for the wrong that was done to us. It's just that we weren't going to make the other person pay for what they'd done; we'd forgiven them."

It strikes me that I can see such growth in so few months. There were things that I had forgiven for two months ago, but there were things that I still held deep inside. It's odd, but the other post was written right when I began counselling, right when I began to learn how to forge healthy boundaries. And forgiveness is very closely entertwined with boundaries, at least for me.

Am I perfect at forgiveness? Not even close. Do I complain about someone doing me wrong? Unfortunately. Do I forgive immediately? Ha. Do I eventually try and try and try to let it go and forgive? Yep. But the key word is eventually.

Does forgiveness mean forgetting? Do you allow someone to come back into your life after they hurt you, time and time and time again, because you forgive them? Every single situation is different. I cannot tell you how to forgive or how to work your way through your situation, because it is yours.

Did I forgive my husband for his affair? Yea. And we have worked our way through it, day by day, sometimes minute by minute, until he has earned my trust and my heart back. And I have to continually forgive him every time that hurt rises back up inside of me.

Do I forgive my dad for being an alcoholic? Yea. But, I have made the decision to not allow him back into our lives at this point until he is sober and reliable. And I feel secure in that decision. For years, I have allowed him to come right back in without no accoutability or even discussion about his drinking problem. Now, it is unstable for my kids and I have put my foot down. Does not having him in my life mean that I have not forgiven him? No. I love him. I forgive him fully. But I will not subject myself and my children to be hurt by his habits.

Do you have an abusive relationship? Is your significant other cheating? Gambling? Addicted to something? Do you have a friend who drains the life out of you? Do you have a long time grudge against someone? Think through the people in your life. Work to forgive them, and pray to know if that means moving forward with them or without them.

I have been freed by learning how to forgive. It wasn't about giving them pardon. Half the time, the other people in my life do not even KNOW that I have forgiven them for something that hurt me. But, over time, forgiveness gives you this weightlessness that you cannot even imagine if you haven't felt it before. Your heart is light and you are not burdened by these emotions and pains of wrongdoings. You may still have the consequences, but the drag of holding onto it is gone.

The what if's go away when you forgive...

What if my husband didn't have sex with her? What if he just stayed here with me? What if I didn't find her on that social networking site bringing her back into our lives? What if I was a better wife? What if I had loved him more?

What if my dad never drank? What if my dad moved back to Colombia when I was a kid? What if he had loved me enough to quit when I was born? What if he had loved my mom more? What if he wasn't such a slut? What if he was born here instead of South America? What if I was a better daughter? What if he had gotten custody of me?

They disappear. Because what if's are a waste of time. And forgiveness shows that to you. It shows you that it's okay how it is. That you can't change the past, that you've forgiven the past, and now, you look forward, towards the future.

God Made Me A Wounded Healer

As I am finishing up Father Fiction by Donald Miller, there is a concept that I have never heard or thought much about, until reading this book. And the more I have thought of it, the more intriguing it is.

Wounded Healer.
Wounded Healer.
Wounded Healer.
WOUNDED HEALER.

What is a wounded healer?

In an online article, it's defined as this:

"One important way of understanding illness, darkness and suffering is to see these states as processes by which an individual becomes a healer. Called the "wounded healer" paradigm, it is for many a process of initiation and of connection to a more expanded way of life. Of course, not everyone who enters difficult times becomes awakened by them. But for some who do, it is a process of metamorphosis. You may have your own personal history with this. You go through something very difficult. Perhaps it is a great physical or psychological illness, such as cancer or depression. Perhaps it is alcoholism or another addiction. It may be a great loss of an important relationship. You may even be called to the brink of death. And then something happens. You may hear voices speaking to you, telling you of the possibility of moving into another level of your life-or you may have another way of being "called." Something moves you into another stage of yourself, and your life changes. Your personality and interests change. You may be led to work with others to help uplift and heal them. You cannot go back to the life you once led. You are operating on an entirely new level."

And while I may not agree with other elements of the article or the posting website, the concept is there. And it's in the Father Fiction book, referring to the Truth and Reconciliation Commission in South Africa, which was a group being brought together to listen to cases and attempt to reconcile the country. When asked who should serve on the commission, Bishop Desmond Tutu replied that it should consist of victims, people whose lives had been "ripped open by the horrors of oppression." But, he added, "Not arrogant victims, not people looking for vengeance, instead people who have the authority of awful experiences, experiences that educated them toward empathy, and yet have within themselves hearts willing to forgive." These people would be wounded healers.
Donald Miller wrote, "It makes you wonder, doesn't it, whether or not God calls specific people who have specific pain into the authority of empathy? Experience is, after all, the best education. We are the ones who will wrestle with security, who will overcome our fear of intimacy, who will learn the hard task of staying with a woman and our children, who will mentor others through the difficult journey of life, perhaps rescuing them from what we have been rescued." The entire concept is what has driven the book, which I am also reading and will be blogging through, called The Gutter.

I fully believe in this possibility, and more likely, the success that this can bring. I started my job at Anchor by teaching fatherhood classes. It's not that I'm not educated enough to teach them or that the concept was beyond my capabilities, but no matter how much I tried, I could not relate to the fathers on the level that is most necessary because I, despite every effort I may make, do not understand being a father from a first hand experience.

However, with my Community Connections position at the church, people come in seeking help and as they unwrap their life to me, I can relate to many of their situations. I know what it's like to grow up in a divorced home. I know what it's like to struggle with addiction firsthand and through my interactions with my dad. I know what it feels like to lose touch with my faith. To struggle through a marriage and give up. To survive an affair. To have a complicated family through remarriages. To have to eat peanut butter sandwiches and potpies for months. To live in a dangerous neighborhood. To cut my skin. To want to end it all. To be threatened. To be scared. To love someone who is hurting. To feel sexually violated. And I have been broken hearted as I help people I love deal with their lives. Suicide. Cancer. Heart defects. Death of a baby. Miscarriage. Unplanned pregnancy. Unwanted children. Child Abuse. Domestic Violence. Begging for food. Murder. Drug use. Drug sale. Prison. Losing custody. Emotional abuse. Learning disabilities. Mental illness. Problems with school. Dropping out. Foster homes. Adoption. Stealing. Juvenile Hall. Being shot at. Rape. Molestation. And the list goes on and on. I can connect to them in a very different way because I have a connection to what they are going through.

And, that's the value of overcoming the Gutter...you can go back and help other people out too. So, I am thankful that God has given me a large range of trials and hurts and pains to overcome. And I am so very grateful that he has brought me through those things, stronger, with a love for Him, and a passion to serve others who are going through it.

So, what a great segway into the next batch of blog posts about my reading...stay tuned!

We Are Nothing More Than Fish On The Shore

One of the very last chapters in Father Fiction is about empathy, but the part that speaks to me the most is about spiritulity. And I love this line:

"What really led me to spirituality was the desire to believe I was human and that being human mattered."

Isn't that what a lot of us are struggling for? That belief that we are WORTH something. That we matter. I know that it's a common thought in my mind. The whole belief that I am just one more person on this overpopulated planet. I don't matter. I mean nothing. If I die today, who will care in ten years? My kids? My husband? But the world won't stop spinning. Books won't be written about me. Everyone will continue on with their lives. And I want them to, but I also would like to think that I meant enough, that I was worth enough that I won't just disappear into dust. But, that's the part of me that is not grasping the infinite life that really matters. When I die here, I won't live on in the minds of others forever. The world will not shake upon my death. Time will not stop. I am nothing more than human. But, the other part of me must remember that my life here is temporary and is not the important element. It's my death that will bring my eternal life, that when I die, what happens on earth isn't important. It's what happens in my afterlife. There will be great celebrations and parties and joy in heaven. That's what matters.

"Sometimes a human life can seem no more meaningful than a fish flopping on a shore. Writhing. Out of its elements. And I would love to tell you that the real problem in life is we believe we are writhing when we aren't, but that's not true. My spirituality, that is Christian spirituality, doesn't tell me to close my eyes and pretend life is beautiful and there are no problems to confront. I'm told, instead, I am out of the water, and if I want't to find water again, I must go in search of a different kind of water. All of us have been washed on the shore. We all have issues, we are all broken. The brokenness we experience, the brokenness that mingles in our DNA, is a kind of fallout from the fall of man. Men and women are made to be in a relationship with God, but because of the fall of man, we aren't."

Purpose of life, the MAIN purpose of life, is not to become famous, or a great political leader, or to write a hundred books, or gain a million friends, or to touch the life of everyone you come in contact with. (Although some people are called to do that and that is what God planned for their life. There's nothing wrong with it. It's just not everyone's calling. And it is not the main purpose.) The main purpose of life is to rebuild that relationship with God, and the death and resurrection of Christ made that possible. It does not matter what you do or do not accomplish in humanly terms; but what matters is your relationship with the Creator.

And, because of various situations, that relationship is easier for some and tougher for others. And trials and temptations shake the foundation and you sometimes question Him, you curse Him, you scream out "WHY?! How could you do this to me? How could you allow this to happen?!" and that's okay. But, remaining strong and focused on building that relationship is what really matters.

"I think we are all looking for this quick fix, but relationships don't work that way. We step into them in faith, and they grow stronger, they change us."

A relationship with God is no exception. It's a leap of faith, but over time, over trials and their resolution, over questions and tears, it becomes a stronger relationship. And, through it, we change for the better.

Keep Sharpening Up

Many people know that 99.9% of the time, I will say that I am NEVER going back to school. Ever. The other .01% of the time, I am barely considering it. And that is only because I have brief moments of wondering if I should pursue professional therapy. Then, I tuck the idea back away until the other 999 times of saying, "Never ever" pass.

I have a Bachelor's Degree. A BA in Psych with a minor in Soc. Many people "ooh" and "ahh" when I say that I graduated from college when I was 20; that I did a four-year degree at a liberal arts college in three years. But, in going through my life, I didn't learn most of what I know in college. I have learned more in the last two years than I did in all three years of earning my BA.

In a chapter on education in Father Fiction, Donald Miller refers to a teacher of his who stated that if we are coasting, we are moving downhill. I can see that. In college and a couple years afterwards, I went on autopilot mode, I began to coast. And then, when I realized what was going on, it was too late. I had already crashed, rock bottom. Now, I make an effort to continually think, write, analyze, read, etc. in effort to minimize that coasting.

In the book, Donald writes this and I believe it may be worthy of a wall hanging as well:

"If we aren't learning, we are forgetting; if we aren't getting smart, we are becoming dull."

It's like a knife, as you use it, you wear it down. Then, at some point, it becomes so dull that you can barely function with it. You need to continually sharpen it in order to keep it functional.

Life is a process of learning. You never quit. But if you don't actively choose to continue learning, not necessarily through formal education, but just learning, growing, developing, moving forward....if you don't actively choose to do that, you will wear down. You will become dull and start to coast, go on autopilot, hit a standstill. And, like I mentioned here, that's not a good thing.

Character is Like a Muscle

In Father Fiction's chapter about Self-Pity, the author, Donald Miller, has this paragraph:

"When people go to the gym to work out, they aren't building up their muscles. They are tearing them down. No kidding. When you lift weights, you are doing damage to your muscles. The reason your muscles grow, then, is because your body repairs the damaged muscles and makes them bigger so the next time you lift that much weight, you won't get hurt. So then you just lift more weights, and your body gets stronger and stronger."

So, it gives me hope that the more weight and situations that God gives me, the stronger I become.

Our sermon in church on Sunday was titled, "Why Bad Things Happen To Good People" and although there was no definative answer or reasons to why they happen, there are some elements that I think we must take from bad situations. One of which is to grow from it.

If we can't stop bad things from happening, we can at least take control of our reactions to it and use it to grow and become stronger. Like our muscles. If life begins to tear us down and tear us apart, we can use that to grow stronger.

There is a line in the chapter that I love love love:

"People who wallow in self-pity never grow strong in character."

I think it may be worthy of a wall hanging reminder. Maybe in my bedroom by the door so that every morning, I can read it and remember. I need to be reminded to not wallow in self-pity, to not complain (which Donald Miller states is nothing bet verbal self-pity), and to use all my circumstances to grow strong. And believe me, I have a lot of circumstances to grow from...

Sometimes, Believing is Full of Lies.

More posting on Father Fiction by Donald Miller...

"A person who believes he is stupid is worse than a person who is stupid."

Oh...geesh.

The key word is believe.

When you believe that you are stupid, you behave stupidly. When you believe that you are bad, you behave badly. When you never have anyone telling you as a child that you are worthy, you believe that you are unworthy.

I was raised by a mom who was firm in her methods of parenting and one thing that I took from her that I have encorporated into our parenting is this: You never ever tell a child that they are bad, or stupid, or ugly, or anything negative. Their actions may be bad and their attitude may be ugly, but those things can be changed. But when you tell a kid, "You are stupid. You are a bad kid. You are ugly." they internalize those things and use them as defining factors for who they are.

I have told Isa, when she's misbehaving, that her attitude is ugly and needs changed. And, then she changes it. We have told her that she is behaving badly, but then she changes her behavior. After each misbehavior, we talk and confirm that we love her, even when she's being naughty or ornery or anything, we will always love her. You also never ever tell a child that your love is dependent on their behavior.

But, what happens when parenting like this doesn't occur? What happens to the kids who are told that they are bad or ugly or stupid? Or to the kids that assume that because their parents are not around or who do not want them or who just do not parent? The kids often struggle more to find their place as a productive member of society. They believe these things, these negative things about themselves and their lives, and they their actions reflect that. Just look at statistics of dropouts and incarcerated young adults...and look at their home lives.

What beliefs about yourself do you need to change?

My Life Sucks

Seriously. There is so much going on in my every day life that I am entitled to self-pity, right?

Welp, there's a chapter in Father Fiction that focuses entirely on that: Self-Pity.

In it, author Donald Miller speaks to Josh Shipp about his life (he grew up in 20+ foster homes, never knowing his biological family) and asked him how he has been able to become so successful. He replied, "You either get bitter or you get better."

Donald Miller adds, "It's that simple. You either take what has been dealt to you and allow it to make you a better person, or you allow it to tear you down. The choice does not belong to fate; it belongs to you."

I'm not going to state anything profound here: Life sucks. My life has it's craters. Your life has it's volcanoes. His life has tornadoes and her life is full of tsunamis. It's kinda like this video that Pastor Tim shared on Facebook:

Every single one of us has "stuff" in our lives. But what matters is what you do with it.

Donald Miller has a profound, yet simple outlook on self-pity and it's oh, so true. He says, "The reason you sometimes feel sorry for yourself is because it feels so good. I know that sounds odd, but if you think about it, it really does. When I feel sorry for myself, what I'm really saying is that I deserved better, that I am a better person than what the situation has dealt me. And if you think about it, that's kind of an arrogent thing to say...The trouble comes when something hard happens and we chose to stop and milk it for attention. There's no progress in that and it isn't going to get us anywhere."

I get that way. When I dwell, I start to focus on the unfairness. The "oh, poor poor me. My life sucks. I am a good person. I don't deserve this. My husband cheated on me. Some of my friends have hurt me. My family has turned on me. I have an alcoholic dad. My life sucks. I have tried to be kind and loving. I don't hurt people and yet, all this bad stuff rains down on me! Why? It's so unfair. My life is horrible. My life is falling apart. Pay attention to me because I'm complaining. If I can't have a perfect life, at least I can have your attention. I deserve that, at the very least!

But what good does that do? What is accomplished by that?

There is a time to grieve. Grieve for broken marriages. Grieve for death and loss. Grieve for ended friendships and relationships. Grieve for family members and poor decisions and things that hurt you. But grief needs to remain as grief and when it becomes self-pity, you need to have warning flags flying high and them move forward.

I often tell people, when they say sorry for things in my life, that I don't want them to be sorry. I'm not sorry. Seriously, I'm not. It is what it is. When I speak about things, like the affair or my dad or various situations that I'm in, I speak so that I can be a witness to God's glory and grace. God has lifted me up and allowed me to blossom through those messes and He will do that to anyone who asks Him to. I commented to a fellow blogger and said that I was sorry and that I pray that God continues to heal her through her strife and she replied that she wouldn't be who she was had she not endured what she did. It's so true.

Will God change you overnight? No. Will you probably encounter more hurt in order to heal? Yes. But the way I see it is this: Growth is a lifelong process. If I die tomorrow, I want people to say that through all that I endured, I was working to be a strong Christian woman. I don't want them to reflect on how much I whined.

So, does my life suck? Maybe. But it depends on the lens you look at it through. I choose to recognize that I'm human with human interactions and human shortcomings. As a human who falls short, I also have relationships with other humans, who also fall short, and sometimes that hurts me. But it doesn't have to paralyze me. I can (and will) make the best of it.

Will you?

Work: Do It For The Right Reasons

In Father Fiction, the chapter on work ethic has a couple of excellent points that are worth remembering. And, since I'm severely struggling with work this week (with my hours and scheduling: Monday there was a sick Isa, Tuesday was a snow day, I worked Tuesday night and Wednesday, and today, my sitter has pink eye so I have Teo home with me.) So, here ya we go...in a nice bulleted fashion.

• "It isn't about what you don't get done; it about what you do get done."

Ahhh, so my to do list of incomplete items is okay? That the world won't end when I am required to be a mom first? That I can continue next week without feeling like I have failed this week?

Maybe this isn't just about work, but applies to life as a whole. When I die (or when you die) will the memorial and the pastor talk endlessly about my life shortcomings. Could you imagine the memorial service: "We are here to mourn the death, and the life, of Carla Sue. She didn't ever sky dive or bungee jump or white water raft, well, she did white water raft when she was like 12 years old, but not after that. She never climbed Mt. Everest, or any other mountain for that matter. She traveled the nation as a kid, but after becoming an adult and paying her own bills, she became fairy localized." And so forth and so on.

This one point, says so much to me and is something that I need to remain focused on.

• "Work isn't punishment; it's reward."

Ooooohhhh. I grew up listening to my mom and dad and stepdad complain about their jobs. They all worked in jobs that they had to "settle" for due to their circumstances, but when push came to shove, they were content and happy to have jobs, to be able to work, to have the strength and the health. And now, that I'm an adult, I have had to learned similar lessons. However, I have been extra blessed to be able to attend college and obtain a degree to allow me to work in an area that I love, and I have been fortunate enough to land in a job (now) that I am in love with.

But, it's so much more than that. Working is so much more than being able to do it, being capable and healthy. And it leads into the next point:

• "Work exists for a lot of reasons. God worked. he created the earth and the cosmos. We work to participate in the God life, to imitate God. That's also why we take a Sabbath. Work is one of the ways we engage in life, one of the ways we participate. It's important. The Bible says that whatever we do, whatever work we do, we do it unto the Lord, to please Him."

Anything I do, if I do it for selfish reasons,will be wrong. I must work to be selfless. Didja get that? If you work to get recognition or praise, you will be unhappy. The only way to work and be truely happy, is to work for God.

• "It taught me to take great pride in what I do, to offer people more than what they expect, to do work as unto the Lord."

So, is it better to do 50 million things and do them, pardon my language, half-assed, or to do 50 things and do them to the best of your ability and beyond, to go the extra mile to take care of the people you work with and work for. If you are cutting grass and they ask you to just cut the grass, but you notice that a bush really needs trimming and is over running the sidewalk, take a few moments to cut it. Or if you are waiting tables, and the people you are serving are cranky and all you want to do is snap on them, take a few deep breaths and instead yelling, go and be the best damn waiter that you can be. Or, if you are a banker or a lawyer or a warehouse worker or a seamstress or a cashier or a public servant, be sure to smile and do your job the best you can for the people that you encounter. No matter what you do, do it 200% and do it as if you are working for God, not for mankind.

• "Work is worship."

Period. How can you argue against that?

[Side note: If you need to go through and re-read it, go ahead. But, there is not one mention in this entire post about money. Yes, this is a blog post about work and there is nothing about money. You can figure out the importance of that yourself.]

In Father Fiction, there is a chapter on integrity. A very short, yet powerful chapter.

Donald Miller "took advantage" of a salesman's mistake and got a free phone and his father figure mentor, John pointed out that it was wrong. John tells Donald, "The Bible talks about having a calloused heart. That's when sin, after a period of time, has so deceived us we no longer care whether our thoughts and actions are right or wrong. And we have to guard against that."

In college, I was intrigued by the concept of justification. Seriously, before that lesson in my psych class, I'd never heard of it. I had never thought of it. But, of course, I immediately understood what it was all about.

My life has been an interesting mess for quite some time. And I took advantage of the mess when I could. Tell my mom a small white lie so that I could spend an extra half hour at a friends' house instead of returning home, tell another small lie to get a few extra bucks from her to buy cigarettes. Then, they grew a little larger and a little larger. But I justified it. My mom was over protective, and I wasn't hurting anyone. So, soon, I was having boys over to friends houses with no parents, or was walking around town while at my dad's when she thought I was somewhere else. Then, the sneaking to parties, sneaking to get alcohol, sneaking to smoke pot. Somewhere, I crossed the lines from something small and insignificant, to putting myself in some very potentially dangerous situations. And even then, I continued to make stupid choices. On more than one occassion, looking back, I could have been raped or even killed. But, because nothing bad happened, I continued to justify my actions to myself.

My heart grew calloused. It grew hard and I began to struggle to tell the difference between right and wrong, between the truth and lies. At one point, I was so deep in lies that I couldn't even remember what the truth was. In all honesty, I don't even know if my mom knows how I really met Jose (unless she's reading this now!). And when your heart begins to grow hard, you start to lose touch with your faith. You begin to push God away, because, as we all know, you can't lie to God. You can lie to anyone, including yourself, but God knows. God always knows.

Let's Talk Sex

More Father Fiction posting and reflection. This time, a fun topic. Sex.

For the past six weeks, our church has been having a sermon series focused on this very topic. Yes, you read that correctly. For the last six weeks, leading up to a seminar we will be having Saturday, we have been talking about SEX in church!

And, now, with my review of the book, it's a topic again.

Donald Miller writes:

"I think we can think nobody is affected by our actions, by our habits, but they are. We aren't independent creatures, we know. We are all connected. And in a family, in marriage, it's important that sex be something special, and as men, it's important we take the initiative in protecting it."

Sex is a form of communication and bonding between two individuals, ideally in a covenant marriage, and when that becomes tainted, it can affect the entire system to fail if you let it. I learned first hand the effects of this.

However, Donald Miller goes farther when closing the chapter by writing:

"The great arguement, then, is not whether sex is good or bad outside of a relational commitment, but whether sex is for anything other than the release of pleasure. There is no scientific evidence to suggest that sex is for bonding. Common sense tells us sex bonds people, but science can't go into the poetic. The tendency, when pleasure drives logic, is to reduce sex to a dry Darwinian definition, ignoring the poetry of our bodies. And this doesn't sound like much of a crime, until we remember the arguement about the value of a dollar. Poetry, then, matters. What we feel about something, what we agree about for the sake of health and progress, becomes critical. I think of sex this way, not only because this is the way God thinks about sex, but because logically, even apart from some sort of Christian morality, the poetic interpretation has to be upheld."

Anyone who knows any element of my life story knows that I did not wait to have sex until I was married. I was pregnant with Isa when I said "I do." I was fortunate though, because the man who took my virginity is the one that I ended up marrying. I have never had sex with anyone other than Jose.

However, he was not a virgin when we met. He was, in my eyes, an experienced man-skank (sorry honey!) because he had been with more women than I cared to know about and he had lost his virginity about five years earlier, and in many instances, they were girls that he wasn't even in a relationship with. Then, he had his affair to add another name to his list.

The thing is, the act of sex itself was not the part of the affair that bothered me the most, but it was that he chose to do this personal and intimate act with someone other than me, other than the person that he has pledged his life to. And to think that I had to share this "secret" part of our life with someone else is what tore me apart. To think of our sex life (okay, if the blog doesn't have a content warning on it, it will now) and what it was, as Donald Miller says, "poetry" and to think that he shared that with someone else is what hurt. It's vague and very abstract, but it's true.

That's what is so special about sex. It's not the physical actions or the medical definition; there's a *spark* of connection, bonding that cannot be experienced quite the same through other activities. And that is what needs to remain sacred.

I do think that sex is like any other fallen element of life, however, and I don't know that we speak about it much. But if you fail, if you are sinful and have sexual relationships outside of the context that God created sex to be, there is the path of asking for forgiveness, repenting, changing your behaviors. And, the consequences may not disappear, and physically, you will stay the same, but your heart can be changed. God can renew your heart to a place that you are able to use sex within marriage as a beautiful and poetic thing. And, that, is what is the best news possible when talking about sex. God wants us to have a pure and amazing reflection of sex. It does not need to be dirty or gross or emotionally painfully. It was created by Him for a purpose, and He wants us to enjoy it, within the proper contexts.

And so often, it's swept under the rug and locked up in a dark closet. So sex becomes taboo. But it doesn't need to be. It shouldn't be.

A Post About Love and Marriage...Never Woulda Guessed on Valentine's Day...

There are a couple chapters in Father Fiction by Donald Miller dedicated to dating, sex, love, etc. so I figured it would be fitting to Valentine's Day.

In talking about romantic relationships, there is a paragraph that I found that I highlighted, underlined, made notes about and basically tagged as vital for me and my life. It says:

"We are not going to get the love we really need from each other. We are going to get it from God, in heaven. Until then, we have an awesome opportunity to practice God's love with each other. We get to commit to each other, we get to try to love unconditionally (at which point we will understand how amazing God is), we get to serve each other by being more attractive to our mates, we get to bring children into the world and take care of them, we get to share our lives with a family. And we get to improve our character. Those are the reasons we should be looking for a mate. Any other motive for getting into a relationship is going to let us down."

Oh. Crap.

Did I fail my marriage when I said "I do." No. However, through the last five (almost six) years of being married, and the nearly 10 years that we have been together, have we had our share of disappointments and let downs? Yes. My expectations, in honesty, we not God-centered. My hopes, my dreams, they were fairy tale at most. So, of course I was let down. Of course, I was disappointed. I had this Hollywood vision of marriage, not an honest faith-based one.

Have I reached this point of loving unconditionally and practicing God's love? No. But I would like to think that I am trying. And, has Jose reached this point? No. But he is trying too. And by watching him strive to become a man of God (especially knowing where his faith walk had taken him), I fall more and more in love with him every day.

Would I change things, if I were to go back and re-do them? No. I would be afraid to. Yes, you read that right...with all the fights, the nights of sleeping alone, the screaming, the throwing things (that would be me), the cussing (again, mostly me), the lying, the cheating, the broken trust, the affair, the other child...I would not change a thing. I am afraid, that had everything not happened the way that it did, that my husband would not be here with me, in love with me, in love with God. And I fear that I would not have worked so hard to save our marriage, to build our faith. And I would fear that we would continue to live a life of false nature, pretending to go through the motions happily, but stuck in a nightmare of non-loving, non-caring, and distrust.

So, for those of you friends who are married or in a committed relationship, would you change your expectations? Do you see fault in your view of your relationship based on what Donald Miller pointed out? And for those who are single and looking, do your expectations meet what is described above? Do you think that adjusting your goals would help your search for a mate?

And, for my husband, Jose Manuel...I love you. More and more every single day. I love to sit and watch you play with the kids. I love to see your strong, yet gentleness while you wrestle and roll around on the floor with them. I love to see you cuddle up with Teo and Isa as you watch a movie or read a book. And I love to peek as you tuck them in at night. You're my gentle giant with the kids. Additionally, I love to spy on you as you cook dinner, with a determination that I cannot understand. And to see you serve me and the kids by cleaning or picking up gives me great joy. I love to hold your rough hands and to stroke your soft cheek. I love to give you eskimo kisses and to press my lips against yours when the kids are preoccupied. I love to try to be held by you, only to have a 30 and a 40 lb. weight quickly latch on to each arm, yelling and screaming, "EEEWWW!" I love to look through photos with you, enjoy a coffee with you, watch a movie with you. I enjoy our time together, whether talking or doing a project around the house. I love watching you move as you work. I love your laugh and making you giggle is a joy. I love that you can always put a smile on my face and make me laugh, even if I am so pissed off at you at the moment. I love the way you disappear for hours to do a project (even if it makes me angry at the time) and although I get angry, I will never stop loving you. I love that we can talk through our problems now, instead of turning to other things or people to find a false relief, and although I hate that you had the affair, I love the man that it has changed you into. You are my husband. The only man that I want to spend the rest of my life with. There is no one else in the world that I want to be with. Only you. Happy Valentine's Day. I love you.

A Quick Guide On How To Have Friends...

In reading Father Fiction, there is a chapter dedicated to Friendship. In it, the author, Donald Miller states:

"The primary way to recieve the attention and affirmation we need is to affirm and care for others. I'm talking about being a good, loyal friend. We think that people will like us more if we are funny or athletic or good looking, and some fo that really does bring us attention, but what everybody really wants in a friend is somebody who is self-assured and loyal."

So, let's break this down.

To have good great friends, you do not need to be popular. You do not need to be skinny. Or stuning. Or a model. You do not need wealth or fancy things. You do not need to be a star athlete. Or a prestigious community member.

To have great friends, you need to be a great friend.

You need to love. To care. To listen and be there. You need to affirm them and not tear them down. You need to be yourself, be true, be honest. You need to be trustworthy and open. You need to be confident, but not cocky. And you need to be loyal.

And in return, you will gain the same from them, if they are true friends.

To have great friends, you need to be a great friend.

So, why do friendships fail?

I believe that I am, generally, a good friend. I try to love, care, be there, listen, affirm, be true, be honest, trustworthy, open, confident, and loyal. (So much so that I am now having to back away from friendships to focus on my marriage.)

However, sometime, friendships just don't continue on. Sometimes, people change courses in life and go separate ways. Sometimes, people hold grudges against small things that you did or said and they grow into a large wedge between you both. Sometimes, you hold a hurt or they hold a hurt, and cannot let go for the friendship.

I honestly have faith that God brings people into our lives when we need them most. And when those issues are resolved, they are removed from our lives. Does that mean that they aren't true friends? No. Does that mean that the friendship must die? No. However, things do change.

But, there are those friends who's lives will run a constant parallel to your own. And they will be true and long lasting friends. They are the ones who, when you begin to grow apart, they pull you back in (and you pull them back as well) to ensure that your ships always run its course together. These friendships are the ones that give life it's extra sparkle.

However, if you do not do your part to be a good friend, even those friendships will fade.

Here is a photo of me and one of my truest, bestest friends, Kristy. We formed our friendship while she was my caseworker and when she left the job, we lost touch. Then about a year or two later, she found me during a city-wide event, yelled and shouted at me until I saw her. I dug up her phone number and we immediately reconnected. There are times when we lose touch and don't speak for a week or two, but through thick and thin, easy and hard times, she has been there for me and she knows that if she needs anything, I am here for her. I trust her with my world. I love her with my heart. As I wrote much of this post, she was on my mind... Love you lady!

Life Lessons From A Game: Strategy, Patience, Losing.

In Father Fiction by Donald Miller, in the chapter about making decisions, Donald talks about a man named Salome Thomas-El who was a middle school principal in Philly. In one of his projects, Mr. El used chess to teach students the art of making good decisions.

Donald Miller, influnced by this wonderful man, decided to partake in playing chess and in his book, reflects upon the lessons that he learned from the game:

Lesson 1: Strategy.
When he began playing, Donald didn't have a strategy and found that he was consistantly losing. But once he set up some strategy plans and began to move one piece while thinking of the future pieces, he saw more and more success. In applying this to real life, he recognized that setting goals and having a long-term vision was simple, but allowed him to think through his current moves in life to ensure that he was moving towards his end goals. When you lack vision and goals, you end up wandering aimlessly. How often have you left the house to go somewhere, without a clear idea of where you planned to go, and end up wasting more time driving (or walking) around trying to plan your trip than if you just took a few moments before leaving the house to plan where you were going? Life is like that. You need a strategy.

Lesson 2: Patience.
When Donald began playing chess, he would see an awesome move and quickly take it, not sitting back for a moment or two to think it through. Within a couple of moves, he began to recognize that, although it seemed like a great move at the time, it ended up hurting his game overall. So, he began to take more time to think things through, and he began to see more and more success. In chess, as in life, the temptation to react is strong. "Reacting without thinking never, ever works." He elaborates and states that "the trick is to stick with your strategy, no matter what your emotions are telling you to do." How many times have I reacted to someone or something in life without thinking, only to realize that it was a setback in the long run? I mean, honestly, I can point out numerous errs of life, large and small, that can be contributed to this. And although they have always worked out once I regained focus, they took me farther off my path than I hoped. I lost sight of strategy and followed my emotions.

Similarly, in life, on a smaller scale, if you are frustrated by a situation or a person in your life, reacting without thinking is never successful. It will take friendships, marriages, jobs, relationships, etc. back to a less trusting, less loving, less positive place. And although, it can be repaired, it cannot be undone. Donald states, "After a while, you realize that by walking away, by not getting angry, you are winning, moving ahead, and you get addicted to it. You get used to acting wisely and you like it."

Lesson 3: Learn How To Lose.
"Wisdom only increases your chances of success. The truth is, we aren't always going to win." So, as in chess, with life, you will fail. Even winners fail. In every war, battle, football game, no one side or team or country wins all the way around. Even those who win in the long run have failure along the lines. But, it's what you do with failure that matters. If you accept it, even expect it, and know that small failures can occur leading up to a large win, you are set to continue on. If you know that you still have a chance, no matter how bleak it may look, you can continue towards your goals and reach your vision.

Donald includes this in the chapter, "Sometimes I wish I could go back in time, sit down with myself and explain that things were going to be okay, that everybody loses ground sometimes and it doesn't mean anything. It's just the way life works. [When you fail], you lose sight of the big picture - the fact that life has a beautiful way of remaking itself every few weeks."

*  *  *

These three lessons are HUGE lessons that I need to remember in my life. And as I continue to age, I realize that I am not alone in my struggles, so I'm sure that many of you could use these lessons too. In closing his chapter, Donald Miller adds that one place that will help with learning to make decisions would be the book of Proverbs in the Bible...I think I will be adding this to my reading list for the next few months.

What is one life lesson that you remember every day that helps you move towards success?

God is our Father: Our "Accidents" are Not His Accidents

Okay, one last post about the chapter in Donald Miller's Father Fiction on belonging...I promise. This was an excellent chapter with tons of excellent points and I didn't want to skip over any of them.

Towards the end of the chapter, Donald dives more into the thought of God as a Father in regards to the sense of belonging. Go here to read the conversations that has led up to this point.

He writes, "The idea became more appealing as we continued driving home, because if it were true, it meant that I did belong, that all of us belonged, that we're here on purpose. And though some of us grow up without biological fathers, none of us grows up without our actual Father. That is, if we have skin, if we have a heart that is beating and can touch and feel, then all this is because God has decided it would be so, because he wanted to include us in the story."

As a person, a fallen, sinful human being, I often struggle with this idea of control. I want to be in control of my life. I tend to think that I exist simply because I have failed to kill myself thus far, on purpose or by accident. I am part of the story because I make myself be part of the story...or do I?

I was not theatrical by any means in school, but at one point, I thought I would try. And with auditions come results....and, well, aside from a couple of very minor roles, I never got cast in a show. I felt as if I deserved a spot. But, truth was, I was an extra. God isn't like that. He has a specific part that He has each of us being in this awesome life. And he has "cast" us in those roles for a very specific purpose.

God didn't accidentally allow us to be born. He doesn't accidentally allow people to be created. In the same regards, people don't accidentally die. Not on His side of things. We may say, "It was an accident," but to Him, it was not.

[I don't want to get into too much theology, about free will and God and control, because it's a hard conversation to have, and even harder to write, plus it deters from the point at hand, so we are going to steer away from that and head this direction...]

My daughter was not a planned pregnancy. I kick myself sometimes for it. I feel guilty because I brought her into the world, unplanned and fairly unprepared. However, it is such a great reassurance to know that while I was not planning her existance, God was. And he planned mine. And yours.

And the best part is that in addition to planning our story, our existance, He loves us. Which leads to the next excerpt:

Donald is talking to his father figure/mentor, John and "he told me that when [his wife] gave birth to [his son] and he held his son in his arms for the first time, it was the closest he had ever been to understanding the love of God. He said that though he had never met this little person, this tiny baby, he felt an incredible love for him, as though he would lie down in front of a train if he had to, that he would give up his life without so much as thinking about it, just because this child existed. John set this love beside other relationships, because they didn't compare. In other relationships, the person he knew had to earn his love. Even with his own father, John learned to love him, and with his wife, they had fallen in love over several years, becoming closer and closer friends. But it wasn't that way with his children. His love for them was instantaneous, from the moment of their birth. They had performed nothing to earn his love other than be born. It was the truest, most unconditional love he had known. John said if his love for [his son] was the tiniest inkling of how God loved us then he had all the security in the world in dealing with God, because he knew, firsthand, what God's love toward him felt like, that it was complete. 'I'm just saying, if God is our Father, we've got it good. We've got it really good.' "

Breaking Funhouse Mirrors: Going Beyond My Father to See God

I continue to try to work through this chapter in Father Fiction [by Donald Miller] about Belonging...

As Donald's discussion with his mentor and father figure, John, continues, more is laid upon my heart.

John says, "Ultimately, we all belong to God. In Scripture, he refers to himself as our Father, and I think he really longs for us to know him as that. So I would say, none of us is really without a father...Maybe you have to be a father to understand it...But there isn't any love like this. I love [my son] and the girls in a way I can't explain. I really can't. It feels like some kind of miracle. I want them to love life. I want to give them joy. I want them to mature. And now that I have felt all this, I understand so much more of life. I understand why a sunset is beautiful. I understand why I don't get what I want all the time. I understand why God disciplines me. I understand God is a father."



As a kid, my dad wasn't perfect...far from it, as can be seen here. But I loved him (and I still love him) and I know that he loved (and still does love) me. However, it was not nearly a reflection of what God's love is like. Therefore, growing up, my vision of God as a father has been quite skewed, like a funhouse mirror. In areas where God disciplines, there was distortion. In areas of trusting God, more distortion. I somewhat, subconsciously, saw God the Father as a slightly better version of MY father. And, He is so much more. He is what my father should be (times a million) not what my father is. The distinction for a kid is hard. Even as a young adult, I still struggle.

How do you trust God the Father to be there for you at all times when your earthly father failed you so many times? How do you believe that God the Father has your best intentions at heart when your earthly father has selfish ways? How do you love God the Father fully when you have learned to guard your love with your earthly father?

Slowly, is the only answer I can come up with. It's a slow process and as sad as it is, you have to trust, believe and love first to see that He will not fail us. I have had to put aside all my misguided thoughts about fathers in order to give my world to God (and, I am not even near that point of fully trusting, believing or loving) and I have to do it over...and over...and over.

But, becoming a parent caused the funhouse mirror to stop being quite so deceptive. I have been able to see into my own heart as a mother and into my husband's heart as a father to see what is a better glimpse of God the Father. And, we are still far from it, but it has led me one step closer to the greatest father figure in the world.

Letting Go Of My Control: My Kids Are Not My Own.

In his chapter on belonging, Donald Miller (Father Fiction) dives deeper into parenthood. This is a dynamic that I need to dive deeper into myself...

In a discussion with one of his mentors, a father figure of sorts, Donald is told, "Sometimes, I don't even think of my kids as my own kids...I mean they are our kids and all, but really they belong to God. Terri and I had sex, but that's it. I don't know how to make a human being. God makes a human being."

Whoa. Knock my socks off (well, assuming I am wearing socks, which is quite rare)!

How often to I take claim over my kids. They are MINE after all. I grew them in my womb. I birthed them. They were created from my egg and my husband's sperm. They are OURS. Aren't they?

With Isa, we had no intentions of becoming pregnant. In all honesty, as much as we love and adore her, she wasn't a part of OUR plan...but she was a part of God's plan. And while we were trying to concieve Teo, he didn't come when we were wanting him, but he came when God wanted him to. So, who am I to make claim over my kids? How self-rightous am I to think that I had full control over their conception, so why would I assume that I have full control over them now?

Isa's at a mouthy phase in life. We often have arguements about who is the "boss"...and, we consistantly tell her that Daddy and Mommy are in charge, not Isa. I wonder how much impact we would have if we admit that, bigger than us, bigger than the control we have, is the Great Master. Would it change the foundation of our parenting if we commit to His control, if we submit and lift our children up to Him, glorifying Him for their lives and asking for help in child rearing?

Now, don't get the wrong impression. I constantly pray for them and pray for guidance in raising them, but what if that isn't enough? What if I need to succumb and break down my ego to say that I am lost as a parent without God...

Feeling Needed: What Fatherless Kids May Be Missing

I'm going to break the next chapter into at least two segments.

As I re-read Father Fiction by Donald Miller, I am reminded of the void that is left in children when they are growing up in broken homes. In Chapter 4 titled "Belonging: What the Eisenhowers Knew," Donald Miller reflects upon a book he read by Dwight D. Eisenhower. Through reading, Donald saw that through his life, Eisenhower caused a lot of trouble, but despite it all, had a sense of confidence and a frame of mind that the world needed him. Eisenhower felt that if he didn't exist, the world would not be the same and he gained this sense from his parents. His parents believed that "the world could be fixed of its problems if every child understood the necessity of their existance" and taught their kids that if they were not there, their family would not function.

When you were growing up, what sense was instilled upon you about how important you were to your family, to the world?

If you were taught that your existance was a necessity and that if you failed to exist that everything would fall apart, can you imagine how you would have felt being told that you didn't matter, that you being alive has no impact on the world?

If you were raised to think that you were meager and meaningless to the larger picture, that things would go on perfectly if you did not exist, can you fathom the impact of being taught that your existance was a necessity to your family and the world at large?

And it goes beyond being told. How many times have I told my kids that I need them, that I love them, that I do not know what I would do without them? But then, what does my behavior reflect? What are my unspoken actions telling them?

Let's take this one step further...if you are being told that the world needs you, but your father walks off and leaves you, how would that impact your view upon yourself? With the exception of circumstances like death, it would cause you to doubt and not believe what you are being told, because if you were needed, he wouldn't have left.

We can tell these kids all day long that they are important, that they are a necessity, that they will change the world, but telling them will never replace having that sense of need coming from two parents.

I want to leave you with this excerpt from the chapter by Donald Miller:

"You can't blame a kid for feeling unwanted if his father takes off. If you think about it, God gives a father a specific instinct that makes him love his kid more than anything in the world. I suppose that the same instinct was floating around in my father's brain too, but for whatever reason, he took a look at me and split. Even the instinct God gave him wasn't strong enough to make my dad stay. And that has made me feel, at times, there is this detestable person living within my skin who makes people feel as though they must carry me on their backs. Walking through the park one night, I realized I was operating out of a feeling of inferiority. Deep inside, I believed life was for other people - that joy was for others, and responsibility was for others, and so on and so on. In life, there were people who were meant to live and people who were accidentally born, elected to plod the globe as the despised.

"These thoughts are illogical, I realize. There isn't any proof that a guy who grows up in a family with a good dad is any better than a guy who grows up in a family with a bad one. Still, a logical argument isn't able to change the heart. My mind knew there was nothing wrong with me - that the problem was the message my father handed down - but this knowledge didn't make me feel any more secure."

The Fatherhood Problem: Learning From Elephants

In the book, Father Fiction, Donald Miller talks about watching a documentary on wild elephants. On the television, he witnessed an eye opening experience as the male elephants hit a puberty of sorts and without a male mentor elephant, he becomes aggressive and out of control. Many rhinos were killed and when two pubertescent male elephants met and both were mentorless, they would fight until covered in blood.

Donald Miller connects this to the human experience. And he asks the question, "are those of us without dads making mistakes in our lives that we wouldn't make if we had a father to guide us?"

Then, he takes is one step further and wonders if people who grow up with great fathers walk around with a subconscious sense that they are wanted, that they belong and that the world needs them, pointing to the fact that as a fatherless child, he never experienced that.

How much impact does something so small like that make in the life of a child? How much does validation of your importance do when you are young?

I grew up with a dad. And a stepdad. I am unsure if either of them ever stated to me how much I meant to them, to the world. I know that my mother always told me how important I was, but did I ever recieve that sense from my fathers? I don't know that I did. And I am not sure how I would feel if there was no father around in my life at all, by his choice. It would definately impact my worth, because you would get the feeling that you are not even important enough for him to be involved, so how wanted would you be by the world?

How do we change this sense of the youth today? How do we make them realize that they are important in our lives and in the world? How do you give them the confidence that they are needed and belong?

And how do we teach them the skills, not only things like mechanics and using tools, but the life skills that are often instilled by a father's stern look or the discipline of a dad? How do we guide them in the right directions in the way that a father should? How do we minimize the mistakes and the hard times that fatherless kids may have simply by not having a dad?

There are statistics that point to the validity of this:

• 85% of people in prison grew up in a fatherless home.
• 63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes.
• 71% of high school dropouts have no father at home.

Doesn't this alone say enough?! Children need a father. Either the biological one or a trustworthy, responsible stand-in that will give them a sense of belonging, the feeling of being wanted and needed, the guidance to achieve better, and to teach the skills necessary to succeed.

Without that, we just continue to allow our elephants to kill rhinos and to try to kill one another.

Fill-in Fathers: The Good, The Bad, and The Scary

As I complete the book, Father Fiction, I am going to take a few weeks to re-read it. Instill in. Imbed it. So, to do that, I'm going to focus on key points that have stood out to me from the book that anyone can gain from. I am going to use blogging as my method of applying the points to my life.

In short, Father Fiction, written by Donald Miller, is a memoir style book with chapters that are basically independent of one another (meaning that you can pick it up, read any chapter, and walk away) that has a wonderfully easy way of reading. It's like engaging in a conversation with the author. And he opens up and shares many pieces of his life and his lessons learned in a beautifully poetic manner.

The book focuses on Donald's life, growing up without a father, and how that affected him throughout childhood and now, as an adult. It's something that I think many people without fathers (or without strong, positive fathers) can relate to. And it is also a read that I think many people, in general, despite their father situation can connect with.

And now, the first chapter. "The Replacements: We've Got Men On The Ground"

Who in your life, growing up, became a father to you? Did you have a real dad at home? A step-dad? Did you spend a lot of time with friends and you "adopted" their fathers in some regards? Who was the man figure in your life and what did he show you about manhood?

I had a dad in my life. Not the best, but he was around. I love him dearly, but it is safe to say, he left me quite damaged. The modeling that I saw from him was not the best to shape me and my future. Learning from my dad, life is a party. Committment to women is an option. Work is an addiction. Alcohol is a necessity.

As a small child, my grandparents played a huge role in my life. I essentially lived at their house for quite awhile. My grandpa was a strong male in my early life. He was generally quiet, but would tell stories and jokes for hours. His laugh warmed your heart. He was retired so he spent most of his time at the kitchen table or at his recliner. He taught me how to relax. He taught me some of life's basic skills. I learned how to eat grapefruit from him, and he and I played cards for hours. I used to ride his mower around and around and around the yard. He taught me honor - he was a veteran with a purple heart. And, although he had no intentions to, he taught me how to care. As I got older, he developed alheizmers and he passed away when I was in college, a year before Isa was born.

With my grandparents, I had two uncles that were never married, so they lived there too. These two men taught me so much. They are pranksters, and I learned to take nothing serious. They taught me to fix cars and build snowmen. My uncles have always been the ones who allowed me to feel safe. When they wrap their arms around me, my world has no fear. When our home was burglarized at a young age, they went with my mom to make sure it was empty. They threated my husband the day we got married. They were also the ones with tears in their eyes. And, to this day, I know that if we have a problem with a car or the house, if we need help with the kids, they will be there.

When I was six, my mom remarried and I gained a stepdad. He was quiet, rugged. I knew he loved me, but we didn't talk much. From him, I learned that nature is beautiful. Respect for women can happen. Hobbies are important. Talking is not.

I had many other men in my life who taught me things. Real men. TV men. Teachers. Mentors. Friends' fathers. I have picked and chosen what to take from each man.

Donald Miller, in this book, talks about his "fathers" from Bill Cosby to his friend, Tom's dad to a teenage kid down the street that took him to a father-son Boy Scout trip. Then, he talks about this man named David who was a youth minister. He talks about how David encouraged him to pursue writing at a time when he could have easily gotten into drugs and stealing.

At the end of the chapter, he states, "People assume when you're swimming in a river you are supposed to know which way you are going, and I guess some of the time that is true, but there are certain currents that are very strong, and it's when we are in those currents we need somebody to come along, pull us out, and guide us in a safer direction."

A common discussion in psychology classes is "nature vs. nurture" - are we, as human beings, formed by nature? Or are we creatures of our environment and nurturing? Generally, the answer that comes up is some combination of both. (Leave it to the psychology people to make a gray area.)

When thinking of fatherhood, though, I am certain that this is true. Later in the book, the author touches on what makes a man and his struggle for this through his life. The arguement can be made for a variety of characteristics making a man, but what truely is it? (I'll leave this discussion for that chapter!) However, as a child without a strong father figure, how do you learn about life?

It's true. Mothers are wonderful beings and can take up many of the tasks. A mother can teach mechanics and home repair stuff to boys A mother can talk to them about sex and show them how to fish. A mother can fill in many roles, expect one: a mother cannot demonstrate how to behave like a man in the family. A mother cannot teach a son how to be a good father and a good husband.

I look at my husband, at our marriage.

I never had a great marriage demonstrated to me. The best I had was that from my mom and my stepdad, but it still had flaws. My husband never had a great marriage demonstrated to him. His parents were divorced when he was very young. His dad left the family and got remarried, got a new family. His mom proceeded to have various boyfriends and husbands, but no one stable and nurturing for the kids. The most care he recieved was from his older brothers, who cooked, got jobs to help provide, or even one who joined a gang and sold drugs to make sure food was on the table.

I was older before I realized what it meant to honor and cherish a husband. My husband never had a man deomonstrate how to honor and cherish a wife. We are "winging it" sometimes. I think through and wonder what our marriage would look like if we both came from intact families?

And there is parenting. I had a wonderful model of mothering taught to me. But my husband did not have the best model of mothering or fathering. He saw a single mom, working long hours trying to provide. He has five brothers and sisters and all of them tend to have the "fend for ourselves" mentality. They saw a variety of parenting techniques, none of which were productive or stable. And, now, my husband is trying to learn how being a father should look...how to love a child unconditionally, how to discipline with love, how to be consistant, etc. without a solid role model.

So, if we cannot get biological fathers to step-up in the lives of every child, we need to encourage men to step-in. "It takes a village to raise a child." So true.

Here's the challenge. Look at the kids in your life. Do any of them need a man that they can depend on? Do they need a solid, loving father figure to guide them? If so, (men) can you make it a goal to step-in for that child? (Women, can you speak to men around you and encourage them to step-in to the life of that kid?) Can you dedicate your time to helping him/her to grow up to become a fully-functioning contribution to society? Can you invite him/her into your heart and be there for years to come? Can you imagine what a difference this may make in the life of a child, if every man stepped up and stepped in?

It's Not About The Baggage You Have, It's About What You Do With It.

I was reading. Father Fiction by Donald Miller. I have read nearly the entire book thus far and got many good points from it, but then, this. just. hit. me. HARD. In between the ribs. Deep in my chest.

"When you forgive, you bear the burden somebody has given you without holding them accountable...there was still pain, we might still be paying the price for the wrong that was done to us. It's just that we aren't going to make the other person pay for what they'd done; we'd forgiven them."

That's like the essence of my daily life in regards to the affair. And my childhood. And relationships with some friends. And family.

Rob Bell talks about forgiveness in the Nooma video called Luggage. He makes a distinction between giving forgiveness and consequences. When you forgive, you can work on a relationship with the person has hurt you. I can see that in my marriage. But, when you forgive, sometimes, the consequence of the hurt is letting that person go. Either way, forgiveness comes when you wish a person well. It doesn't mean that there is no pain, no consequence. It doesn't meant that the action didn't exist. Or that the repeated betrayals never occurred. Or that the destructive words weren't said. Because they were. And denial is no healthy form of dealing with something.

Forgiveness doesn't mean to forget. Forgiveness means that you are not going to let the doings impact your life or your future, aside from making your grow. In a way, it is taking responsibility for the actions of another. To forgive, you are saying to them that their hurtful ways, whether intentional or unintentional, are not being held against them. And that whatever hurt has been done will be yours to work through, without placing the blame on them. Through that, the hurt subsides a little.

One additional point that I would like to make is this: forgiveness is not a one-time done deal. In some instances, it is. If my son hits my daughter with a block, she may forgive him. And once she does, it's in the past. We never revisit it. It's over. We move foward with playing. When it's a deep hurt, like an affair or abuse or repeated offenses, you may forgive and forgive and forgive. Each element of each offense may need to be forgiven. And, you may be fine, until one day, one trigger, one item, one word, brings back a memory that hurts all over again. Then, you need to forgive again. Slowly, the overall hurt begins to fade.

Although I could write on this forever, I'm going to cut it short (look for more in the future) and leave you with this video by Rob Bell.


Luggage 007 - Nooma - Rob Bell - Legendado from there. on Vimeo.