God Made Me A Wounded Healer

As I am finishing up Father Fiction by Donald Miller, there is a concept that I have never heard or thought much about, until reading this book. And the more I have thought of it, the more intriguing it is.

Wounded Healer.
Wounded Healer.
Wounded Healer.
WOUNDED HEALER.

What is a wounded healer?

In an online article, it's defined as this:

"One important way of understanding illness, darkness and suffering is to see these states as processes by which an individual becomes a healer. Called the "wounded healer" paradigm, it is for many a process of initiation and of connection to a more expanded way of life. Of course, not everyone who enters difficult times becomes awakened by them. But for some who do, it is a process of metamorphosis. You may have your own personal history with this. You go through something very difficult. Perhaps it is a great physical or psychological illness, such as cancer or depression. Perhaps it is alcoholism or another addiction. It may be a great loss of an important relationship. You may even be called to the brink of death. And then something happens. You may hear voices speaking to you, telling you of the possibility of moving into another level of your life-or you may have another way of being "called." Something moves you into another stage of yourself, and your life changes. Your personality and interests change. You may be led to work with others to help uplift and heal them. You cannot go back to the life you once led. You are operating on an entirely new level."

And while I may not agree with other elements of the article or the posting website, the concept is there. And it's in the Father Fiction book, referring to the Truth and Reconciliation Commission in South Africa, which was a group being brought together to listen to cases and attempt to reconcile the country. When asked who should serve on the commission, Bishop Desmond Tutu replied that it should consist of victims, people whose lives had been "ripped open by the horrors of oppression." But, he added, "Not arrogant victims, not people looking for vengeance, instead people who have the authority of awful experiences, experiences that educated them toward empathy, and yet have within themselves hearts willing to forgive." These people would be wounded healers.
Donald Miller wrote, "It makes you wonder, doesn't it, whether or not God calls specific people who have specific pain into the authority of empathy? Experience is, after all, the best education. We are the ones who will wrestle with security, who will overcome our fear of intimacy, who will learn the hard task of staying with a woman and our children, who will mentor others through the difficult journey of life, perhaps rescuing them from what we have been rescued." The entire concept is what has driven the book, which I am also reading and will be blogging through, called The Gutter.

I fully believe in this possibility, and more likely, the success that this can bring. I started my job at Anchor by teaching fatherhood classes. It's not that I'm not educated enough to teach them or that the concept was beyond my capabilities, but no matter how much I tried, I could not relate to the fathers on the level that is most necessary because I, despite every effort I may make, do not understand being a father from a first hand experience.

However, with my Community Connections position at the church, people come in seeking help and as they unwrap their life to me, I can relate to many of their situations. I know what it's like to grow up in a divorced home. I know what it's like to struggle with addiction firsthand and through my interactions with my dad. I know what it feels like to lose touch with my faith. To struggle through a marriage and give up. To survive an affair. To have a complicated family through remarriages. To have to eat peanut butter sandwiches and potpies for months. To live in a dangerous neighborhood. To cut my skin. To want to end it all. To be threatened. To be scared. To love someone who is hurting. To feel sexually violated. And I have been broken hearted as I help people I love deal with their lives. Suicide. Cancer. Heart defects. Death of a baby. Miscarriage. Unplanned pregnancy. Unwanted children. Child Abuse. Domestic Violence. Begging for food. Murder. Drug use. Drug sale. Prison. Losing custody. Emotional abuse. Learning disabilities. Mental illness. Problems with school. Dropping out. Foster homes. Adoption. Stealing. Juvenile Hall. Being shot at. Rape. Molestation. And the list goes on and on. I can connect to them in a very different way because I have a connection to what they are going through.

And, that's the value of overcoming the Gutter...you can go back and help other people out too. So, I am thankful that God has given me a large range of trials and hurts and pains to overcome. And I am so very grateful that he has brought me through those things, stronger, with a love for Him, and a passion to serve others who are going through it.

So, what a great segway into the next batch of blog posts about my reading...stay tuned!

Life Lessons From A Game: Strategy, Patience, Losing.

In Father Fiction by Donald Miller, in the chapter about making decisions, Donald talks about a man named Salome Thomas-El who was a middle school principal in Philly. In one of his projects, Mr. El used chess to teach students the art of making good decisions.

Donald Miller, influnced by this wonderful man, decided to partake in playing chess and in his book, reflects upon the lessons that he learned from the game:

Lesson 1: Strategy.
When he began playing, Donald didn't have a strategy and found that he was consistantly losing. But once he set up some strategy plans and began to move one piece while thinking of the future pieces, he saw more and more success. In applying this to real life, he recognized that setting goals and having a long-term vision was simple, but allowed him to think through his current moves in life to ensure that he was moving towards his end goals. When you lack vision and goals, you end up wandering aimlessly. How often have you left the house to go somewhere, without a clear idea of where you planned to go, and end up wasting more time driving (or walking) around trying to plan your trip than if you just took a few moments before leaving the house to plan where you were going? Life is like that. You need a strategy.

Lesson 2: Patience.
When Donald began playing chess, he would see an awesome move and quickly take it, not sitting back for a moment or two to think it through. Within a couple of moves, he began to recognize that, although it seemed like a great move at the time, it ended up hurting his game overall. So, he began to take more time to think things through, and he began to see more and more success. In chess, as in life, the temptation to react is strong. "Reacting without thinking never, ever works." He elaborates and states that "the trick is to stick with your strategy, no matter what your emotions are telling you to do." How many times have I reacted to someone or something in life without thinking, only to realize that it was a setback in the long run? I mean, honestly, I can point out numerous errs of life, large and small, that can be contributed to this. And although they have always worked out once I regained focus, they took me farther off my path than I hoped. I lost sight of strategy and followed my emotions.

Similarly, in life, on a smaller scale, if you are frustrated by a situation or a person in your life, reacting without thinking is never successful. It will take friendships, marriages, jobs, relationships, etc. back to a less trusting, less loving, less positive place. And although, it can be repaired, it cannot be undone. Donald states, "After a while, you realize that by walking away, by not getting angry, you are winning, moving ahead, and you get addicted to it. You get used to acting wisely and you like it."

Lesson 3: Learn How To Lose.
"Wisdom only increases your chances of success. The truth is, we aren't always going to win." So, as in chess, with life, you will fail. Even winners fail. In every war, battle, football game, no one side or team or country wins all the way around. Even those who win in the long run have failure along the lines. But, it's what you do with failure that matters. If you accept it, even expect it, and know that small failures can occur leading up to a large win, you are set to continue on. If you know that you still have a chance, no matter how bleak it may look, you can continue towards your goals and reach your vision.

Donald includes this in the chapter, "Sometimes I wish I could go back in time, sit down with myself and explain that things were going to be okay, that everybody loses ground sometimes and it doesn't mean anything. It's just the way life works. [When you fail], you lose sight of the big picture - the fact that life has a beautiful way of remaking itself every few weeks."

*  *  *

These three lessons are HUGE lessons that I need to remember in my life. And as I continue to age, I realize that I am not alone in my struggles, so I'm sure that many of you could use these lessons too. In closing his chapter, Donald Miller adds that one place that will help with learning to make decisions would be the book of Proverbs in the Bible...I think I will be adding this to my reading list for the next few months.

What is one life lesson that you remember every day that helps you move towards success?

God is our Father: Our "Accidents" are Not His Accidents

Okay, one last post about the chapter in Donald Miller's Father Fiction on belonging...I promise. This was an excellent chapter with tons of excellent points and I didn't want to skip over any of them.

Towards the end of the chapter, Donald dives more into the thought of God as a Father in regards to the sense of belonging. Go here to read the conversations that has led up to this point.

He writes, "The idea became more appealing as we continued driving home, because if it were true, it meant that I did belong, that all of us belonged, that we're here on purpose. And though some of us grow up without biological fathers, none of us grows up without our actual Father. That is, if we have skin, if we have a heart that is beating and can touch and feel, then all this is because God has decided it would be so, because he wanted to include us in the story."

As a person, a fallen, sinful human being, I often struggle with this idea of control. I want to be in control of my life. I tend to think that I exist simply because I have failed to kill myself thus far, on purpose or by accident. I am part of the story because I make myself be part of the story...or do I?

I was not theatrical by any means in school, but at one point, I thought I would try. And with auditions come results....and, well, aside from a couple of very minor roles, I never got cast in a show. I felt as if I deserved a spot. But, truth was, I was an extra. God isn't like that. He has a specific part that He has each of us being in this awesome life. And he has "cast" us in those roles for a very specific purpose.

God didn't accidentally allow us to be born. He doesn't accidentally allow people to be created. In the same regards, people don't accidentally die. Not on His side of things. We may say, "It was an accident," but to Him, it was not.

[I don't want to get into too much theology, about free will and God and control, because it's a hard conversation to have, and even harder to write, plus it deters from the point at hand, so we are going to steer away from that and head this direction...]

My daughter was not a planned pregnancy. I kick myself sometimes for it. I feel guilty because I brought her into the world, unplanned and fairly unprepared. However, it is such a great reassurance to know that while I was not planning her existance, God was. And he planned mine. And yours.

And the best part is that in addition to planning our story, our existance, He loves us. Which leads to the next excerpt:

Donald is talking to his father figure/mentor, John and "he told me that when [his wife] gave birth to [his son] and he held his son in his arms for the first time, it was the closest he had ever been to understanding the love of God. He said that though he had never met this little person, this tiny baby, he felt an incredible love for him, as though he would lie down in front of a train if he had to, that he would give up his life without so much as thinking about it, just because this child existed. John set this love beside other relationships, because they didn't compare. In other relationships, the person he knew had to earn his love. Even with his own father, John learned to love him, and with his wife, they had fallen in love over several years, becoming closer and closer friends. But it wasn't that way with his children. His love for them was instantaneous, from the moment of their birth. They had performed nothing to earn his love other than be born. It was the truest, most unconditional love he had known. John said if his love for [his son] was the tiniest inkling of how God loved us then he had all the security in the world in dealing with God, because he knew, firsthand, what God's love toward him felt like, that it was complete. 'I'm just saying, if God is our Father, we've got it good. We've got it really good.' "

Child Support Deliquency = Jail Time?

A friend of mine named Mike just posted this on facebook. With all the work I do with fatherhood, I found it intriguing and would love to hear your input. I am not certain if it is a real letter or not; I'm not sure of its origin...but whatever the story behind it is, there is an element of truth behind it. Do you agree? What should change in the court systems? What needs to change in society?

To Whom it May Concern:


I am the mother of a son caught in the debtor's prison with back child support payments due.Before I begin, I want to agree that something must be done about delinquent fathers who just leave their families, but I think that each case should be given consideration. I know my son is spoiled and plays an important part in the divorce, but no one deserves this type of punishment.


My son was married, we thought, to a lovely girl with whom my whole family fell in love. I was told later by her best friends that she had always been wild and loved to go to western dance halls, and loved to drink. She also likes to have affairs. She started seeing a character at one of these dance halls that she and her single friends frequented. If my son did not want to go with her to these parties, she would leave him at home with their two beautiful little girls, and go out dancing and clubbing till the wee hours of the morning. My son worked at night for my husband and sometimes would come home only to find strange people in the house taking care of the children, or he would get a phone call as to where to go to pick up the babies (4yrs. and 1yr.); she was out with her friends.


One day out of the clear blue sky, she told my son that she was bored with her life, and she was too young to be tied down. The next day he was talking to some of his friends, and they told my son that they had seen his wife out dancing several times with the same guy. My son checked around amoung the places she liked best, and found out that she was having an affair. When my son confronted her, she said "Yes," and that she had filed for a divorce. She had him served with an injunction and he was thrown out of his home. All of this before he had a chance to think.
How did she do it? Well she simply planned with her lover to go to a lawyer and say the "child abuse" words, and that she was afraid he would hurt her. The court did not even investigate his side of the story. My son was so hurt that he broke into his home and tore up all her clothes and things and threw everything out in the yard. That just made her case seem more real. I told her that she was lucky it was just her clothes he destroyed, some men might have attacked her physically. She moved her new lover into the house, and he took over my son's role.


Why do courts think that men have no feelings and cannot feel pain? My son was broken. His whole life was shattered. When I talked to him he said, "Mom, she took everything from me. My love, my home, my truck, clothes and now she has brought this stranger in to replace me as their father!" She told us that the kids were too young to remember him for very long.


She told the court that she was afraid that I would try to kidnap my granddaughters from her, so I cannot see them. She said the same about my daughter. My daughter kept the four year old for a whole year while this girl could get her hair dressing license. She and her husband dearly loved the child, but they cannot see her. In other words this woman and her new lover have hurt this family, deeply, but the court lets her get everything and keep us from those little girls. Even her best friends testified in court to all I have told you.


My son went into depression, he cannot see his girls, he has been unable to get a good job, so of course he fell behind in his child support. He finally found a job with an electric company that wants to train him and even send him to night school. He also has a job working at a feed store in the evening. While he was working, the sheriff's department came out and arrested him on the job. Now he sits in a Texas jail with some terrible criminals. The longer he sits there the bigger the debt. The bigger the debt the longer he sits there. When I talked to the lawyer, he says the punishment part has nothing to do with the term, they know that the families love their son or brother so much that they will find some money somewhere.


You probably hear these stories over and over. If you think this one is bad, I may tell you about my oldest sons torture through this same court system some day. Is there any hope?? I know that marriage and family do not have the same values for young people that I had. But my son was raised by me, and has different expectations from a marriage, and he gave his whole heart to her.
She was raised the way her babies will be raised, and so they probably will not have a chance to know the meaning of a close family. We have heard now that she has lived with several men, before she married my son. How many "uncles" will they have? They will be raised to think their father abused them, did not want them, and would not even feed them. What will they think of their grandmother, and why did their favorite aunt and uncle stop wanting them?
My prayers are for these fathers who get caught in this maze of uncaring courts, and laws that do not give equal consideration for the father's needs and emotional stress. Laws that were made to appease women's groups do not represent the majority of women.


Thank you, if you read this far,
A grieving mother

Breaking Funhouse Mirrors: Going Beyond My Father to See God

I continue to try to work through this chapter in Father Fiction [by Donald Miller] about Belonging...

As Donald's discussion with his mentor and father figure, John, continues, more is laid upon my heart.

John says, "Ultimately, we all belong to God. In Scripture, he refers to himself as our Father, and I think he really longs for us to know him as that. So I would say, none of us is really without a father...Maybe you have to be a father to understand it...But there isn't any love like this. I love [my son] and the girls in a way I can't explain. I really can't. It feels like some kind of miracle. I want them to love life. I want to give them joy. I want them to mature. And now that I have felt all this, I understand so much more of life. I understand why a sunset is beautiful. I understand why I don't get what I want all the time. I understand why God disciplines me. I understand God is a father."



As a kid, my dad wasn't perfect...far from it, as can be seen here. But I loved him (and I still love him) and I know that he loved (and still does love) me. However, it was not nearly a reflection of what God's love is like. Therefore, growing up, my vision of God as a father has been quite skewed, like a funhouse mirror. In areas where God disciplines, there was distortion. In areas of trusting God, more distortion. I somewhat, subconsciously, saw God the Father as a slightly better version of MY father. And, He is so much more. He is what my father should be (times a million) not what my father is. The distinction for a kid is hard. Even as a young adult, I still struggle.

How do you trust God the Father to be there for you at all times when your earthly father failed you so many times? How do you believe that God the Father has your best intentions at heart when your earthly father has selfish ways? How do you love God the Father fully when you have learned to guard your love with your earthly father?

Slowly, is the only answer I can come up with. It's a slow process and as sad as it is, you have to trust, believe and love first to see that He will not fail us. I have had to put aside all my misguided thoughts about fathers in order to give my world to God (and, I am not even near that point of fully trusting, believing or loving) and I have to do it over...and over...and over.

But, becoming a parent caused the funhouse mirror to stop being quite so deceptive. I have been able to see into my own heart as a mother and into my husband's heart as a father to see what is a better glimpse of God the Father. And, we are still far from it, but it has led me one step closer to the greatest father figure in the world.

Letting Go Of My Control: My Kids Are Not My Own.

In his chapter on belonging, Donald Miller (Father Fiction) dives deeper into parenthood. This is a dynamic that I need to dive deeper into myself...

In a discussion with one of his mentors, a father figure of sorts, Donald is told, "Sometimes, I don't even think of my kids as my own kids...I mean they are our kids and all, but really they belong to God. Terri and I had sex, but that's it. I don't know how to make a human being. God makes a human being."

Whoa. Knock my socks off (well, assuming I am wearing socks, which is quite rare)!

How often to I take claim over my kids. They are MINE after all. I grew them in my womb. I birthed them. They were created from my egg and my husband's sperm. They are OURS. Aren't they?

With Isa, we had no intentions of becoming pregnant. In all honesty, as much as we love and adore her, she wasn't a part of OUR plan...but she was a part of God's plan. And while we were trying to concieve Teo, he didn't come when we were wanting him, but he came when God wanted him to. So, who am I to make claim over my kids? How self-rightous am I to think that I had full control over their conception, so why would I assume that I have full control over them now?

Isa's at a mouthy phase in life. We often have arguements about who is the "boss"...and, we consistantly tell her that Daddy and Mommy are in charge, not Isa. I wonder how much impact we would have if we admit that, bigger than us, bigger than the control we have, is the Great Master. Would it change the foundation of our parenting if we commit to His control, if we submit and lift our children up to Him, glorifying Him for their lives and asking for help in child rearing?

Now, don't get the wrong impression. I constantly pray for them and pray for guidance in raising them, but what if that isn't enough? What if I need to succumb and break down my ego to say that I am lost as a parent without God...

Feeling Needed: What Fatherless Kids May Be Missing

I'm going to break the next chapter into at least two segments.

As I re-read Father Fiction by Donald Miller, I am reminded of the void that is left in children when they are growing up in broken homes. In Chapter 4 titled "Belonging: What the Eisenhowers Knew," Donald Miller reflects upon a book he read by Dwight D. Eisenhower. Through reading, Donald saw that through his life, Eisenhower caused a lot of trouble, but despite it all, had a sense of confidence and a frame of mind that the world needed him. Eisenhower felt that if he didn't exist, the world would not be the same and he gained this sense from his parents. His parents believed that "the world could be fixed of its problems if every child understood the necessity of their existance" and taught their kids that if they were not there, their family would not function.

When you were growing up, what sense was instilled upon you about how important you were to your family, to the world?

If you were taught that your existance was a necessity and that if you failed to exist that everything would fall apart, can you imagine how you would have felt being told that you didn't matter, that you being alive has no impact on the world?

If you were raised to think that you were meager and meaningless to the larger picture, that things would go on perfectly if you did not exist, can you fathom the impact of being taught that your existance was a necessity to your family and the world at large?

And it goes beyond being told. How many times have I told my kids that I need them, that I love them, that I do not know what I would do without them? But then, what does my behavior reflect? What are my unspoken actions telling them?

Let's take this one step further...if you are being told that the world needs you, but your father walks off and leaves you, how would that impact your view upon yourself? With the exception of circumstances like death, it would cause you to doubt and not believe what you are being told, because if you were needed, he wouldn't have left.

We can tell these kids all day long that they are important, that they are a necessity, that they will change the world, but telling them will never replace having that sense of need coming from two parents.

I want to leave you with this excerpt from the chapter by Donald Miller:

"You can't blame a kid for feeling unwanted if his father takes off. If you think about it, God gives a father a specific instinct that makes him love his kid more than anything in the world. I suppose that the same instinct was floating around in my father's brain too, but for whatever reason, he took a look at me and split. Even the instinct God gave him wasn't strong enough to make my dad stay. And that has made me feel, at times, there is this detestable person living within my skin who makes people feel as though they must carry me on their backs. Walking through the park one night, I realized I was operating out of a feeling of inferiority. Deep inside, I believed life was for other people - that joy was for others, and responsibility was for others, and so on and so on. In life, there were people who were meant to live and people who were accidentally born, elected to plod the globe as the despised.

"These thoughts are illogical, I realize. There isn't any proof that a guy who grows up in a family with a good dad is any better than a guy who grows up in a family with a bad one. Still, a logical argument isn't able to change the heart. My mind knew there was nothing wrong with me - that the problem was the message my father handed down - but this knowledge didn't make me feel any more secure."

The Fatherhood Problem: Learning From Elephants

In the book, Father Fiction, Donald Miller talks about watching a documentary on wild elephants. On the television, he witnessed an eye opening experience as the male elephants hit a puberty of sorts and without a male mentor elephant, he becomes aggressive and out of control. Many rhinos were killed and when two pubertescent male elephants met and both were mentorless, they would fight until covered in blood.

Donald Miller connects this to the human experience. And he asks the question, "are those of us without dads making mistakes in our lives that we wouldn't make if we had a father to guide us?"

Then, he takes is one step further and wonders if people who grow up with great fathers walk around with a subconscious sense that they are wanted, that they belong and that the world needs them, pointing to the fact that as a fatherless child, he never experienced that.

How much impact does something so small like that make in the life of a child? How much does validation of your importance do when you are young?

I grew up with a dad. And a stepdad. I am unsure if either of them ever stated to me how much I meant to them, to the world. I know that my mother always told me how important I was, but did I ever recieve that sense from my fathers? I don't know that I did. And I am not sure how I would feel if there was no father around in my life at all, by his choice. It would definately impact my worth, because you would get the feeling that you are not even important enough for him to be involved, so how wanted would you be by the world?

How do we change this sense of the youth today? How do we make them realize that they are important in our lives and in the world? How do you give them the confidence that they are needed and belong?

And how do we teach them the skills, not only things like mechanics and using tools, but the life skills that are often instilled by a father's stern look or the discipline of a dad? How do we guide them in the right directions in the way that a father should? How do we minimize the mistakes and the hard times that fatherless kids may have simply by not having a dad?

There are statistics that point to the validity of this:

• 85% of people in prison grew up in a fatherless home.
• 63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes.
• 71% of high school dropouts have no father at home.

Doesn't this alone say enough?! Children need a father. Either the biological one or a trustworthy, responsible stand-in that will give them a sense of belonging, the feeling of being wanted and needed, the guidance to achieve better, and to teach the skills necessary to succeed.

Without that, we just continue to allow our elephants to kill rhinos and to try to kill one another.

Fill-in Fathers: The Good, The Bad, and The Scary

As I complete the book, Father Fiction, I am going to take a few weeks to re-read it. Instill in. Imbed it. So, to do that, I'm going to focus on key points that have stood out to me from the book that anyone can gain from. I am going to use blogging as my method of applying the points to my life.

In short, Father Fiction, written by Donald Miller, is a memoir style book with chapters that are basically independent of one another (meaning that you can pick it up, read any chapter, and walk away) that has a wonderfully easy way of reading. It's like engaging in a conversation with the author. And he opens up and shares many pieces of his life and his lessons learned in a beautifully poetic manner.

The book focuses on Donald's life, growing up without a father, and how that affected him throughout childhood and now, as an adult. It's something that I think many people without fathers (or without strong, positive fathers) can relate to. And it is also a read that I think many people, in general, despite their father situation can connect with.

And now, the first chapter. "The Replacements: We've Got Men On The Ground"

Who in your life, growing up, became a father to you? Did you have a real dad at home? A step-dad? Did you spend a lot of time with friends and you "adopted" their fathers in some regards? Who was the man figure in your life and what did he show you about manhood?

I had a dad in my life. Not the best, but he was around. I love him dearly, but it is safe to say, he left me quite damaged. The modeling that I saw from him was not the best to shape me and my future. Learning from my dad, life is a party. Committment to women is an option. Work is an addiction. Alcohol is a necessity.

As a small child, my grandparents played a huge role in my life. I essentially lived at their house for quite awhile. My grandpa was a strong male in my early life. He was generally quiet, but would tell stories and jokes for hours. His laugh warmed your heart. He was retired so he spent most of his time at the kitchen table or at his recliner. He taught me how to relax. He taught me some of life's basic skills. I learned how to eat grapefruit from him, and he and I played cards for hours. I used to ride his mower around and around and around the yard. He taught me honor - he was a veteran with a purple heart. And, although he had no intentions to, he taught me how to care. As I got older, he developed alheizmers and he passed away when I was in college, a year before Isa was born.

With my grandparents, I had two uncles that were never married, so they lived there too. These two men taught me so much. They are pranksters, and I learned to take nothing serious. They taught me to fix cars and build snowmen. My uncles have always been the ones who allowed me to feel safe. When they wrap their arms around me, my world has no fear. When our home was burglarized at a young age, they went with my mom to make sure it was empty. They threated my husband the day we got married. They were also the ones with tears in their eyes. And, to this day, I know that if we have a problem with a car or the house, if we need help with the kids, they will be there.

When I was six, my mom remarried and I gained a stepdad. He was quiet, rugged. I knew he loved me, but we didn't talk much. From him, I learned that nature is beautiful. Respect for women can happen. Hobbies are important. Talking is not.

I had many other men in my life who taught me things. Real men. TV men. Teachers. Mentors. Friends' fathers. I have picked and chosen what to take from each man.

Donald Miller, in this book, talks about his "fathers" from Bill Cosby to his friend, Tom's dad to a teenage kid down the street that took him to a father-son Boy Scout trip. Then, he talks about this man named David who was a youth minister. He talks about how David encouraged him to pursue writing at a time when he could have easily gotten into drugs and stealing.

At the end of the chapter, he states, "People assume when you're swimming in a river you are supposed to know which way you are going, and I guess some of the time that is true, but there are certain currents that are very strong, and it's when we are in those currents we need somebody to come along, pull us out, and guide us in a safer direction."

A common discussion in psychology classes is "nature vs. nurture" - are we, as human beings, formed by nature? Or are we creatures of our environment and nurturing? Generally, the answer that comes up is some combination of both. (Leave it to the psychology people to make a gray area.)

When thinking of fatherhood, though, I am certain that this is true. Later in the book, the author touches on what makes a man and his struggle for this through his life. The arguement can be made for a variety of characteristics making a man, but what truely is it? (I'll leave this discussion for that chapter!) However, as a child without a strong father figure, how do you learn about life?

It's true. Mothers are wonderful beings and can take up many of the tasks. A mother can teach mechanics and home repair stuff to boys A mother can talk to them about sex and show them how to fish. A mother can fill in many roles, expect one: a mother cannot demonstrate how to behave like a man in the family. A mother cannot teach a son how to be a good father and a good husband.

I look at my husband, at our marriage.

I never had a great marriage demonstrated to me. The best I had was that from my mom and my stepdad, but it still had flaws. My husband never had a great marriage demonstrated to him. His parents were divorced when he was very young. His dad left the family and got remarried, got a new family. His mom proceeded to have various boyfriends and husbands, but no one stable and nurturing for the kids. The most care he recieved was from his older brothers, who cooked, got jobs to help provide, or even one who joined a gang and sold drugs to make sure food was on the table.

I was older before I realized what it meant to honor and cherish a husband. My husband never had a man deomonstrate how to honor and cherish a wife. We are "winging it" sometimes. I think through and wonder what our marriage would look like if we both came from intact families?

And there is parenting. I had a wonderful model of mothering taught to me. But my husband did not have the best model of mothering or fathering. He saw a single mom, working long hours trying to provide. He has five brothers and sisters and all of them tend to have the "fend for ourselves" mentality. They saw a variety of parenting techniques, none of which were productive or stable. And, now, my husband is trying to learn how being a father should look...how to love a child unconditionally, how to discipline with love, how to be consistant, etc. without a solid role model.

So, if we cannot get biological fathers to step-up in the lives of every child, we need to encourage men to step-in. "It takes a village to raise a child." So true.

Here's the challenge. Look at the kids in your life. Do any of them need a man that they can depend on? Do they need a solid, loving father figure to guide them? If so, (men) can you make it a goal to step-in for that child? (Women, can you speak to men around you and encourage them to step-in to the life of that kid?) Can you dedicate your time to helping him/her to grow up to become a fully-functioning contribution to society? Can you invite him/her into your heart and be there for years to come? Can you imagine what a difference this may make in the life of a child, if every man stepped up and stepped in?