Empty Your Baggage.

I have come full circle with the Father Fiction book.

I have read the entire book once through. I have blogged the entire book once through. I will now, after completing this post, tuck the book on it's shelf and leave it there, until I feel the need to pick it up again. The "God nudge" to look at it, read a specific thought or chapter, just when I need it. I feel certain that it will not be on my shelf, gathering dust, for long.

In coming full circle, I have blogged through most of the book, chapter through chapter, highlighting lines, paragraphs, thoughts that have struck me and my life. I strongly encourage you to get the book, either from amazon (linked above), another online site, a local bookstore, or even the library (but then you can't write all in it like I did!). And in coming full circle, I have now reached the last chapter. The chapter that hit me the hardest when reading it. The chapter that fueled this post on January 6th.

"When you forgive, you bear the burden that somebody else has given you without holding them accountable."

With forgiveness: "There was still pain, we still might be paying the price for the wrong that was done to us. It's just that we weren't going to make the other person pay for what they'd done; we'd forgiven them."

It strikes me that I can see such growth in so few months. There were things that I had forgiven for two months ago, but there were things that I still held deep inside. It's odd, but the other post was written right when I began counselling, right when I began to learn how to forge healthy boundaries. And forgiveness is very closely entertwined with boundaries, at least for me.

Am I perfect at forgiveness? Not even close. Do I complain about someone doing me wrong? Unfortunately. Do I forgive immediately? Ha. Do I eventually try and try and try to let it go and forgive? Yep. But the key word is eventually.

Does forgiveness mean forgetting? Do you allow someone to come back into your life after they hurt you, time and time and time again, because you forgive them? Every single situation is different. I cannot tell you how to forgive or how to work your way through your situation, because it is yours.

Did I forgive my husband for his affair? Yea. And we have worked our way through it, day by day, sometimes minute by minute, until he has earned my trust and my heart back. And I have to continually forgive him every time that hurt rises back up inside of me.

Do I forgive my dad for being an alcoholic? Yea. But, I have made the decision to not allow him back into our lives at this point until he is sober and reliable. And I feel secure in that decision. For years, I have allowed him to come right back in without no accoutability or even discussion about his drinking problem. Now, it is unstable for my kids and I have put my foot down. Does not having him in my life mean that I have not forgiven him? No. I love him. I forgive him fully. But I will not subject myself and my children to be hurt by his habits.

Do you have an abusive relationship? Is your significant other cheating? Gambling? Addicted to something? Do you have a friend who drains the life out of you? Do you have a long time grudge against someone? Think through the people in your life. Work to forgive them, and pray to know if that means moving forward with them or without them.

I have been freed by learning how to forgive. It wasn't about giving them pardon. Half the time, the other people in my life do not even KNOW that I have forgiven them for something that hurt me. But, over time, forgiveness gives you this weightlessness that you cannot even imagine if you haven't felt it before. Your heart is light and you are not burdened by these emotions and pains of wrongdoings. You may still have the consequences, but the drag of holding onto it is gone.

The what if's go away when you forgive...

What if my husband didn't have sex with her? What if he just stayed here with me? What if I didn't find her on that social networking site bringing her back into our lives? What if I was a better wife? What if I had loved him more?

What if my dad never drank? What if my dad moved back to Colombia when I was a kid? What if he had loved me enough to quit when I was born? What if he had loved my mom more? What if he wasn't such a slut? What if he was born here instead of South America? What if I was a better daughter? What if he had gotten custody of me?

They disappear. Because what if's are a waste of time. And forgiveness shows that to you. It shows you that it's okay how it is. That you can't change the past, that you've forgiven the past, and now, you look forward, towards the future.

I No Longer Want Normal and Boring.

About three weeks ago, I cried out and begged to be boring, to have a boring life. To be mundane and normal. After bad weather and sickness and a kidney infection and a whole list of things that were unplanned and disrupted my idea of what needed to happen, I was frustrated and just needed normalacy and for life to be calm and quiet.

Then, I got some texts and calls that showed me that life was not going to be "normal" soon.  I had a week between the three kids where I was unable to do much work hours at all. I became frustrated and grumpy. All I wanted was calm and quiet, not more and more insanity. The icing on the cake was that we were throwing my sons birthday party this past weekend. I didn't even want to celebrate. I grew so bitter and angry. Why me? And despite the posts that I had written about self-pity, I felt some of it deep inside me.

We got swept into a life of crazyness, and none of it was our own doing. We didn't create the situation bringing my nephew into our house. We didn't make the kids get sick or make the snow/ice cover the streets, cancelling school. We didn't infect our babysitter. And all of this happened right after I cried out for God to make our life peaceful. We got arguements, grumpiness, sadness, tears, temper tantrums, mean and angry texts and phone calls, screaming matches with my husband, etc.

But, I have been posting about how these things, these times of struggle, bring us closer to God. And then, I just read this:

"The Franciscan priest Richard Rohr points out that Native Americans have a tradition of leaving a blemish in one corner of the rug they are weaving because they believe that's where the spirit enters. I can relate to the rugs. I want desparately for things to go 'how they're supposed to.' Which is another way of saying 'how I want them to,' which is another way of saying 'according to my plan.' And that, as we all know, isn't how it works. But it's in that disappointment, in that confusion, in that pain - the pain that comes from things not going how I wanted them to - that I find the same thing happening, again and again. I come to the end of myself, to the end of my power, the end of my strength, the end of my understanding, only to find in that place of powerlessness a strength and peace that weren't there before. I keep discovering that it's in the blemish that the Spirit enters." [an excerpt from the book Drops Like Stars by Rob Bell]

Ok, so crap. Seriously, in the margin, I wrote, "Holy crap. This is me. This is my life."

I desparately want boring, but I cannot grow with boredom like I can through struggling. It's like that muscle analogy that I posted about earlier this week with the Father Fiction book. (See, it really is surrounding me.) I need to have those places in my life where I am weak, where I am imperfect, where the Holy Spirit can enter into me and my life.

Otherwise, we return to that place where we are bored. Where we were before the affair when we become so "comfortable" that we no longer try, that we give up, that we do not struggle and turn to God and fight our battles, but where we are so numb that we don't move forward.

"If we aren't careful, our success and security and abundance can lead to a certain sort of boredom, a numbing predictability, a paralyzing indifference that comes from being too comfortable...Death by wallpaper and flooring." [Also an excerpt from Drops Like Stars.]

So, I may need to change my prayers and my plea and my cry for my life. I don't want to be boring and dull and comfortable. But, if God feels like He can ease my load a little, I'm okay with that...hehe. But, I need to continually remember to chose to to look at my trials and struggles as opportunity, not punishment.

Birthday Party Procrastination

Generally, I'm on top of the game. I have birthday parties scheduled a month in advance with an awesome list of to do's and games and even a menu planned way ahead of party day. Then, I spend the week or two before the party preparing the games, buying all the necessary trinkets and candies and food items, packing gift bags, etc.

This time, not so much. I'm feeling similar to a chicken with it's head chopped off.

It started when I refused to pick a date for the party. I knew that it had to be somewhere around his birthday, but was more than willing to wait until mid-March if I had to. I am beginning to strongly dislike chaos. But, Jose pushed me to pick a day, so finally, I called the church and asked if tomorrow today was available to use the fellowship hall (we have a large family...and when you add in friends, there is no way everyone would fit in our house. Isa's last birthday had over 50 attendees. Seriously...).

The same day that I reserved the hall, I put up a facebook invite and sent out messages to the invited. Then, I did nothing.

On Wednesday, Teo's actual birthday, Jose struck up the conversation in the car on the way home and asked what the plan was..."What plan?" was my reply. I asked if we could just have people come, eat lunch with us, do the cake and ice cream, open gifts and leave. He told me that I was being lazy.

What games do 2-year-olds play? I don't remember adding games into Isa's parties until at least three. So, in his darling attempt to help, he suggested musical chairs. I retorted that Teo couldn't even get INTO the chairs...so, we agreed to disagree for the time being.

Last night, Jose took Teo to the store and bought the food we needed and didn't already have stocked. Chili dogs, hot dogs, chili, PB&Js, chips, and soda.

Tonight, I finally gave in and agreed to go to the party store, only to find out that their hours Monday - Friday are 9 AM to 5 PM. Seriously? Urg. So, we ended up shopping in a nearby plaza and getting the things for gift bags. And after dropping the kids off to my mom and enjoying a nice dinner just the two of us, we returned home to watch a stupid movie and pack treat bags. Fifty treat bags. Then, when the movie ended, Jose took his place in the kitchen (hehe) and I began to be artsy fartsy. I made a mask for crafts and used my printer to make copies (something that I was extremely grateful for because for Isa's 4th birthday, I hand-drew about 30 monster masks), then painted the board for a game of Pin The Tail.

The craft and the game are on the table, waiting to be taken to the church tomorrow later today after we sleep. Jose has made the PB&Js and is finishing up the cake (photos will come after the party). When we wake up, he will make the rest of the lunch and I am going to beg to run to get a quick haircut. We also need to run somewhere to buy our son his birthday gift (which I have no idea what to buy) and then, we will go to the church and set up everything and just wait for the party to begin.

But for now, I need to write my list of things to do tomorrow, in detail, or else I am sure I will forget:

• Call mom to get hole punch
• Take scissors
• Take crayon box
• Grab yarn
• Take goodie bags, board, tails, mask copies
• Buy gift
• Get haircut (I hope)
• Take all the food
• Grab camera and extra batteries
• Buy forks (everywhere we go, they are sold out of disposable forks...weird!)
• Grab scotch tape
• Buy candles (where do these things go after each birthday?!)
• Pack Isa's stuff (she's going to a slumber party straight from the birthday party)
• Go to church
• Blow up balloons
• Set up games and craft table
• Wait
• Eat
• Have fun
• Spoil my son
• Play games
• Cake
• Open gifts
• Go home and nap

Later ya'll. I need to crash!

Two Years Ago

On February 23rd, 2009, around 5:55 PM, I was blessed to bring my one and only son into the world. Happy birthday, Mateo Jose.

I love you.

My Husband Forgets Things

A few years ago, he began this bad habit of forgetting his cell phone at home when he went to work, causing me to have no way to contact him. This was occurring about two or three times a week. Finally, I told one of his co-workers (and one of my friends) to let him know that the next time that he left his cell phone at home, I was going to shove it so far up his a** that when I called him, his tonsils would vibrate. Needless to say, he seemed to gain the ability to remember his cell phone much better after that.

Then, we began to battle about him leaving diapers on the floor after he changes Teo. When he changes him before bed or first thing in the morning, he would just leave the diaper laying on the rug in Teo's bedroom. I began to threaten that each diaper left would find it's way into his car. He's not great at it, but it's gotten better.

When he takes leftovers to work for lunch, he has this habit of leaving the containers in a plastic bag in his car for a week or so (no matter whether is it 80 degrees outside or not) and then, when he cleans out his car, he leaves the entire bag, with the plastic container and the nasty food inside, on the counter for me to wash when I do the other dishes. After I started gagging after opening one, I have began to threaten that those containers would be placed in his pillowcase, open, if he didn't take care of them. He doesn't wash them, (I think he throws them away) but at least I don't have to either.

Our newest battle is the late night snacks and drinks. He will get a snack and/or something to drink around 9 PM. Then, he fails to put his dishes in the sink when he goes to bed, no matter how many times I remind him. I'm getting tired of telling him to clean up after himself, but don't even have enough creativity to give him a threat. Last night, there was a coffee cup on the table from the coffee that I made him this evening and a open bottle of A&W Root Beer, half full still, tucked carefully between piles of laundry. Both of which I kindly asked him to take care of before he went to bed. I think I need a threat. Any ideas?

And although I didn't think of a creative threat to reinforce his cleaning up after himself, I did make sure to lay out his workshirt for today...with the coffee cup, the open bottle of root beer, and his empty bowl of cereal (which I found next to the chair) sitting on top of it...

Flood.

When it rains, it pours. When it pours, it floods. That's basically where my life has gone....flooded.

I can't even put things together enough to write a coherant blog post...there is so much going on in my mind...so, to spare you all, I'm not even going to try.

Here's just an idea of what I will be explaining in detail at some point of time in the future:

• My dad called, but I didn't accept the call. I need to write him a letter.
• My sister-in-law called and we are going to help her out. We need to re-arrange some things in the house.
• Isa woke up this morning with a 102.7 fever and then threw up. She will be home with me tomorrow.
• Our sleep patterns have been shot to hell this weekend. Friday night, we went to sleep at 2 AM. I got woken up at 5 AM by a phone call requiring me to leave. I returned home and went back to sleep around 11 AM and I slept until about 2 PM. Last night, we didn't fall asleep until 4 AM and woke up around 8 AM, but went back to sleep until about 10 AM when Isa finally woke up. We returned to take a nap around 1 PM and slept until about 5 PM. Now, it's 11 PM and I know I need to go to bed. But my brain seems to think differently.
• My son broke a wine glass that I painted for heARTworks, now, I need to redo it. It pretty much rocked too.
• My home needs some loving attention. The dust on my mantel is high enough that you cannot see the original wood color (mostly thanks to all the sanding that Jose did to the house in January). The laundry pile that needs folded is large enough that an elephant would be scared. The craft room's mess could hide small vehicle. Ugh. I need a maid.

I'm pretty sure that I jinxed myself last week when I stated that I really want a boring life. When I can think straight, I'll fill in some missing pieces...if you pray, please just shoot out some little prayers for our little family. Thank you.

Confessions of a Real Life Mommy #14, 15, & 16

#14. I cannot wait until spring. Not because of the weather, but because Isa is outgrowing her pants and I need her to be able to wear flood pants capri pants without raising questions because I don't want to buy new jeans.

#15. Last Sunday, Jose and I slept in. Isa and Teo woke up and went downstairs to watch a movie. Isa made them cereal and they were quiet. When we began to get ready for church, we figured out why they were so well behaved. There was a trail of Hershey Kiss wrappers that stretched from the foyer (where a bag was located in Isa's backpack from her Valentine's Party at school) all the way through the living room, dining room and kitchen. I believe they ate at least half a bag. I secretly laughed a lot. And deep down, I was still very thankful for being able to sleep past 8 AM.

#16. Also on Sunday, less than an hour of finding out about the Hershey Kiss raid, we grabbed fast food for breakfast on the way to church. Not thinking, Jose ordered three diet sodas. Yes, after our kids ate half a bag of chocolate, we gave them soda. At least it was diet, right? [It was just a rough morning all the way around!]

Confession of a Real Life Mommy #12 & 13

#12. It's true. I have opted to use a half a case of baby wipes rather than deal with a screaming kid (or two) in the tub for ten minutes. It works, right?

#13. Although I swore that I would never say it, I have caught myself when I'm sweeping the floor, holding two loads of laundry, running the dishwasher and watching dinner cook on the stove, tell the eldest child, "Stop tattling. Fine, then just hit/bite/kick him back..."

Lazy Sundays

Sundays = Lazy Days.

Sundays are the day when we *try* to be lazy, do nothing, and just hang out. Today, I believe we succeeded...at least, the kids and I did.

Our morning began by waking up late. Like half hour before church started late. So, we threw the family together quickly, got drive thru breakfast (horrible parenting, I know!), and drove to church. We were arriving there exactly on time....

But I realized that I forgot something. So, I begged Jose to turn around and go home so I could grab it, plus it gave us an extra five minutes or so to eat breakfast. Ran in the house, grabbed what I needed, drove back to church. Breakfast was eaten. We were only about ten minutes late when we pulled into the parking lot. The very very full parking lot.

So, we proceeded to drive down the super long snowy and icy alley and circled the block to try to find street parking. The entire street was covered with cars or piles of snow, and if we were to park, it would have been at least a block or two away. Plus, we were about twenty minutes late at this point. We gave up.

Instead, we went to visit my grandma (whom the kids call Me-Me Mamaw) and two uncles at their house. The kids played, Jose watched Chuck Norris, and I talked to my grandma for an hour or two before heading back home.

When we got home, none of us were hungry although it was noon. Blame the late breakfast. So, we napped. All four of us, kinda. Isa played most the time, but I slept good and Teo slept good and I believe Jose was sleeping too on the couch. Around 2:30 PM, his cell rang so I sent Isa downstairs with it and soon heard Jose leave to help his sister move. We then continued our nap until about 4 PM. It was awesome.

After waking up, I fed the kids a late and light "lunch" of leftover spaghetti and fresh fruit. Then, we played and cleaned a little bit. And cleaned and played some more. Jose got home just in time to make frozen pizza and watch "The Funnies" (America's Funniest Home Videos) with the kids. Teo laughing at videos is the best part! And, about a half hour ago, the kids went to bed. Although the little one is still up. I hear him playing with his drum..

So lazy. We are so lazy. Today was the perfect Sunday (although it would have truely been perfect if Jose had been able to stay and be lazy with us the entire time)! I love lazy Sundays!

Confessions of a Real Life Mommy #7, 8, 9, & 10

#7. Isa has a drawer under her bed that is broken. Instead of fixing it, we just emptied it, pushed it in, and told her not to use it.

#8. Teo would rather wear his potty seat around his head than use it. I'd rather not fight with him about it until he starts using it, so it's a common accessory.

#9. The first thing we taught our kids once they could walk was to throw their own diapers away. It just makes sense.

#10. I don't think that either of my kids has worn matching socks in over 4 months. See Confession #3 for more info.

We Don't Really DO Valentine's Day, But...

For us, Valentine's Day is rarely a big deal. The only year that it really was anything special was 2005. That is the year when Jose bought me a beautiful ring in January to propose, but it was back ordered and whatnot, so as of Valentine's Day, it still hadn't arrived. However, on Valentine's Day, we went to the clinic and it was confirmed that we were about to be parents.

So, this year, I've not thought much about it. We don't do gifts or flowers or candies or much at all. However, since Isa's now in school, I realized that they have a card exchange tomorrow. And, so Jose came by and dropped off Valentine stuff for her class before running out again to help his sister move tonight. So, he will be coming home to this:

I guess I may be convinced to do a little something for future years, but it may always be construction paper and string...

Just Because I Know You Are Dying To Ask...

So, as the day nears it's end, I know you are dying to ask me a few questions. So, to save you the burning feeling inside your mind...I'll answer them (because, of course, I'm already knowing what you would ask).

Q: How do I feel?
A: Right this second, not too bad. I have the heating pad on my back and took another dosage of drugs a couple hours ago that have recently kicked in. I do however have a migraine, which is weird because one of the drugs I took was a pain reliever. I have officially taken three doses of my antibiotics, but this evening around seven, my fever returned and although it didn't go quite so high, it did hit about 101 before my medicine kicked in and took it down.

Q: How is my dad?
A: I don't know. He has not contacted me at all from jail this time. I have spoken to his (soon to be ex) wife via phone and text, but not much. She said something today about him possibly doing 6-12 months in rehab instead of staying in jail, so that'd be interesting.

Q: How is work going?
A: I love it so much. I never dreamed that I could have such a wonderfully perfect job(s) that allowed me to have flexibility and do what I love so much. I seriously never realized that a job could be so amazing. I am able to use my wide array of God-given skills to do a wide variety of tasks to serve Him and others in the community. I seriously love it!

Q: How are the kids?
A: Well, Teo recieved a much needed haircut yesterday. And Isa is her normally mouthy self anymore. I love them both dearly, and Mondays and Tuesdays are the worst days in the week because I work 12 hours and don't see them at all (except to get Isa ready for school). Teo is learning to talk much more (even though it's still quite garbled) and is becoming more able to play alone. Isa is learning to read (which is so awesome) but still can't tie her shoes. Aside from her attitude issues, she's growing into quite a strong and beautiful young lady.

Q: How is my marriage?
A: Good. The weekend away was much needed and removed a lot of our tension. My recent illness crap has made things a little rough, simply because I am too tired and in too much pain to help much around the house, but we did nearly complete the dining room, so that continues to keep us smiling. I haven't thought about the affair much lately, so slowly but surely, it's becoming "normal" again.

Q: How's heARTworks?
A: So awesome. I am amazed at how successful it has become and have a couple orders that I need to finish up. This being sick crap has made me behind a bit, but it'll even out soon. I am looking forward to a couple of the larger projects coming up!

So, that's enough of question and answer time...I'm exhausted and am going to bed...

Seriously though, if you could ask me just one question, what would it be (feel free to ask anoynmously)? I will answer them soon!

Disappointed.

My dad is back in jail.
I don't know whether I should care anymore.

Who Says Pink Is Not A Boy Color?

Thursday night, when I was feeling like MUCK, Jose was cleaning the living room and dining room and that included cleaning the floors intensely since the salt from outside gets on shoes and tracks through the house and can eat away the finish.

So, in an attempt to entertain the kids, while minimizing my movements, Isa begged to have me paint her toenails. When I set out five or so paints to let her choose, Teo was adement about his desire to have light pink polish.

I was unsure if he wanted it for his toes or Isa's, so I began painting hers with the dark pink that she chose. When he sat quietly and watched, I was pleased. When he began to push the light pink polish at me and set his toes on my leg, I knew that I couldn't let him down.

So...I polished his toes too. It's winter. Who cares? :]