Sometimes, it's so easy to get lost and all wrapped up in our own junk that we seem to sink ourselves without trying. At least, that's how I am. I get lazy and preoccupied and don't always realize that I'm even doing it.
So, today was a nice change.
I babysat for a friend as a last minute favor. She ended up getting here with the kids early, so we got to spend some time chatting, then when she came to pick them up, she stayed longer, with more chatting and actually ended up helping me clean through the kids toys (which is nice because she's OCD like me and although she laughed at my methods, she totally understood them). I have missed spending time with her and it was a nice feeling to be able to hang out.
Then, I watched a movie with my hubby who got off work early today, and he allowed me to take an amazing long nap. And after the nap, I got a text from another friend asking me if we could hang out tonight. I didn't really know what we were going to do, but she ended up joining us for dinner at Bob Evans, than Jose and the kids went home while she and I had a girls night out.
We enjoyed shopping at the craft store until they closed at 9, then went to Starbucks until they closed at 10, and went to watch Beastly at the theatre at 10:20 PM. It was great conversation, many giggles (especially when she called the waiter "sweet pea" or so I heard), and a night that was much needed.
I need to remember to not get so absorbed in my life, its insanity and stress, to enjoy myself. So, thank you friends, for giving me a wonderful day. And thanks to my hubby for allowing me to go out. It was much needed and much appreciated. :)
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
A Quick Guide On How To Have Friends...
In reading Father Fiction, there is a chapter dedicated to Friendship. In it, the author, Donald Miller states:
"The primary way to recieve the attention and affirmation we need is to affirm and care for others. I'm talking about being a good, loyal friend. We think that people will like us more if we are funny or athletic or good looking, and some fo that really does bring us attention, but what everybody really wants in a friend is somebody who is self-assured and loyal."
So, let's break this down.
To havegood great friends, you do not need to be popular. You do not need to be skinny. Or stuning. Or a model. You do not need wealth or fancy things. You do not need to be a star athlete. Or a prestigious community member.
To have great friends, you need to be a great friend.
You need to love. To care. To listen and be there. You need to affirm them and not tear them down. You need to be yourself, be true, be honest. You need to be trustworthy and open. You need to be confident, but not cocky. And you need to be loyal.
And in return, you will gain the same from them, if they are true friends.
To have great friends, you need to be a great friend.
So, why do friendships fail?
I believe that I am, generally, a good friend. I try to love, care, be there, listen, affirm, be true, be honest, trustworthy, open, confident, and loyal. (So much so that I am now having to back away from friendships to focus on my marriage.)
However, sometime, friendships just don't continue on. Sometimes, people change courses in life and go separate ways. Sometimes, people hold grudges against small things that you did or said and they grow into a large wedge between you both. Sometimes, you hold a hurt or they hold a hurt, and cannot let go for the friendship.
I honestly have faith that God brings people into our lives when we need them most. And when those issues are resolved, they are removed from our lives. Does that mean that they aren't true friends? No. Does that mean that the friendship must die? No. However, things do change.
But, there are those friends who's lives will run a constant parallel to your own. And they will be true and long lasting friends. They are the ones who, when you begin to grow apart, they pull you back in (and you pull them back as well) to ensure that your ships always run its course together. These friendships are the ones that give life it's extra sparkle.
However, if you do not do your part to be a good friend, even those friendships will fade.
"The primary way to recieve the attention and affirmation we need is to affirm and care for others. I'm talking about being a good, loyal friend. We think that people will like us more if we are funny or athletic or good looking, and some fo that really does bring us attention, but what everybody really wants in a friend is somebody who is self-assured and loyal."
So, let's break this down.
To have
To have great friends, you need to be a great friend.
You need to love. To care. To listen and be there. You need to affirm them and not tear them down. You need to be yourself, be true, be honest. You need to be trustworthy and open. You need to be confident, but not cocky. And you need to be loyal.
And in return, you will gain the same from them, if they are true friends.
To have great friends, you need to be a great friend.
So, why do friendships fail?
I believe that I am, generally, a good friend. I try to love, care, be there, listen, affirm, be true, be honest, trustworthy, open, confident, and loyal. (So much so that I am now having to back away from friendships to focus on my marriage.)
However, sometime, friendships just don't continue on. Sometimes, people change courses in life and go separate ways. Sometimes, people hold grudges against small things that you did or said and they grow into a large wedge between you both. Sometimes, you hold a hurt or they hold a hurt, and cannot let go for the friendship.
I honestly have faith that God brings people into our lives when we need them most. And when those issues are resolved, they are removed from our lives. Does that mean that they aren't true friends? No. Does that mean that the friendship must die? No. However, things do change.
But, there are those friends who's lives will run a constant parallel to your own. And they will be true and long lasting friends. They are the ones who, when you begin to grow apart, they pull you back in (and you pull them back as well) to ensure that your ships always run its course together. These friendships are the ones that give life it's extra sparkle.
However, if you do not do your part to be a good friend, even those friendships will fade.
Here is a photo of me and one of my truest, bestest friends, Kristy. We formed our friendship while she was my caseworker and when she left the job, we lost touch. Then about a year or two later, she found me during a city-wide event, yelled and shouted at me until I saw her. I dug up her phone number and we immediately reconnected. There are times when we lose touch and don't speak for a week or two, but through thick and thin, easy and hard times, she has been there for me and she knows that if she needs anything, I am here for her. I trust her with my world. I love her with my heart. As I wrote much of this post, she was on my mind... Love you lady!
And A Makeover...
SURPRISE!
Discussions with a good friend, Jill, has led me to think for the past 24 hours or so about giving my blog a makeover. She said it bothered her that I had the same generic layout as many other blogs she read. And encouraged me to check out a few free sites for layouts. I hated them. And the ones I did like, I couldn't get to work.
She also encouraged me to pay someone to design my blog. I don't care that it would be inexpensive. I am cheap. And it was more than I wanted to spend on something like a blog. No offense to the 14 followers that I have. Hehe.
So, I did the next best things...dove in.
Yup, that's right. I just went in head first to figure out the layout, design templates, and for fun, created my header and a footer. So, taa da! Welcome to my new page!
(I think it fits my personality perfectly!)
Discussions with a good friend, Jill, has led me to think for the past 24 hours or so about giving my blog a makeover. She said it bothered her that I had the same generic layout as many other blogs she read. And encouraged me to check out a few free sites for layouts. I hated them. And the ones I did like, I couldn't get to work.
She also encouraged me to pay someone to design my blog. I don't care that it would be inexpensive. I am cheap. And it was more than I wanted to spend on something like a blog. No offense to the 14 followers that I have. Hehe.
So, I did the next best things...dove in.
Yup, that's right. I just went in head first to figure out the layout, design templates, and for fun, created my header and a footer. So, taa da! Welcome to my new page!
(I think it fits my personality perfectly!)
When the Ground is Sinking...
I have a friend. She has popped into my life at a time when I needed it. She has been a solid bestie ever since and upon reflection, I cannot believe that it has been less than a year since we instantly bonded.
I cry for her and the situation she is in. A lot. And I pray for her much more than that. She is continually sinking and struggling to keep her face from filling with quicksand. She keeps grabbing onto things that look solid, but that are only fleeting. Branches sticking out of the ground, disguised as roots. She falls back into the liquid ground. Turtle shells half buried, disguised as rocks. She starts to sink again. I have tried to reach out to grasp her hand, only to miss by mere fingertips. I cannot step too far or I will be next to her, in the quicksand, and I cannot be of help when I need rescued too.
Please, if you pray, be praying for her. The pit is getting deeper and deeper and the sand is pulling harder and harder and she is feeling very discouraged. She is reaching out for anything, and I am praying for her to find something solid to grab onto and pull herself out slowly. And to know that when she is on solid ground, she will be filthy and battered and bloody and broken, but to continue to stand strong because once she's out of the quicksand, the healing can begin.
Thank you.
I cry for her and the situation she is in. A lot. And I pray for her much more than that. She is continually sinking and struggling to keep her face from filling with quicksand. She keeps grabbing onto things that look solid, but that are only fleeting. Branches sticking out of the ground, disguised as roots. She falls back into the liquid ground. Turtle shells half buried, disguised as rocks. She starts to sink again. I have tried to reach out to grasp her hand, only to miss by mere fingertips. I cannot step too far or I will be next to her, in the quicksand, and I cannot be of help when I need rescued too.
Please, if you pray, be praying for her. The pit is getting deeper and deeper and the sand is pulling harder and harder and she is feeling very discouraged. She is reaching out for anything, and I am praying for her to find something solid to grab onto and pull herself out slowly. And to know that when she is on solid ground, she will be filthy and battered and bloody and broken, but to continue to stand strong because once she's out of the quicksand, the healing can begin.
Thank you.
Silent Morning.
It's a silent morning.
I hear fingertips clicking my keyboard. The clock ticking away the seconds. The motor of my laptop quietly whirring. Occassionally, the muffled sound of a car or truck on the street outside comes in.
Inside my mind, nothing is silent. Nothing stays so still and calm.
Today is Joshua's viewing. Tomorrow is the funeral.
My heart is so heavy with heartbreak for dear friends and sickness for the situation.
I drink my hot coffee and feel it slide down, warming my insides as it goes, making no noise.
It's a silent morning.
It's silent mourning.
I hear fingertips clicking my keyboard. The clock ticking away the seconds. The motor of my laptop quietly whirring. Occassionally, the muffled sound of a car or truck on the street outside comes in.
Inside my mind, nothing is silent. Nothing stays so still and calm.
Today is Joshua's viewing. Tomorrow is the funeral.
My heart is so heavy with heartbreak for dear friends and sickness for the situation.
I drink my hot coffee and feel it slide down, warming my insides as it goes, making no noise.
It's a silent morning.
It's silent mourning.
Broken Hearted for a Broken Heart
"Now I lay me, down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die, before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take."
I can't fall asleep. I napped earlier due to pure exhaustion, but now find myself sitting here, still awake, with my heart aching for Jill and Shane and the family.
Their loss has been twisted into a movement for a cause that has nothing to do with his death. By mere coincidence, he has become a tool for a fake nonprofit to push their own personal agenda.
Baby Joshua means more than that. He represents faith and strength to so many people. How can people be so cold-hearted?
My words have failed me and I cannot explain how much my soul hurts for the family. For their loss. For becoming the target of this media attention plot. For the nasty and hateful comments that have been posted on their blog and that continue to be posted. (Jill, just so you know, I am continuing to filter these. Until you tell me to stop, I will be deleting hateful and unnecessary comments.)
He was so beautiful.
Jill, I prayed with him while you left me in his room on Friday. I prayed and sang to him as I held his paci in place and stroked his forehead, lulling him into a light sleep. I removed his cap and ran my hand across his red hair. He was fierce and fiesty too and every time I stopped singing or praying, he would wake up. I will never forget his adoring face as he looked at you, holding him and laughing.
Like so many others, he has touched my life and made teeny tiny footprints on my heart. And today, after so many days before it, I have seen my kids in a new light. I know that you are seeing Hannah and Caleb through new eyes as well.
And I know that your fight is not over. I know your heart enough to know that this is just the beginning. The start of shouting awareness from the rooftops and of serving the Lord more and more with your graceful heart. You will continue to share Baby Joshua with other and continue to change lives.
But the next few days will be a different fight. Jill, you will be faced with questions and accusations. Please, remember, that God has given you these fights for a reason. You will have to face sweet Hannah and Caleb and comfort their broken hearts; it's just a different type of broken heart. And your heart is broken as well. It will take time to heal and will always remain changed. You will cope with all stages of grief as you endure one of the hardest challenges for a parent: to bury your child.
Remember, there is a large world out here full of believers, lovers of Christ, that are willing to fight the fights with you, no matter how large or how small. We will hold your hand, wipe your tears, embrace you, offer our shoulders and our outstretched arms. We will listen. We will pray.
Your words have always meant so much to me, even when I never commented. Joshua had a broken heart and I truely believe that having you for a mama and Shane for a daddy made it less broken. He is now with the best Father, Doctor, and Healer ever imaginable. And he lives on in each one of us.
I know that today, Joshua took a piece of my heart with him to heaven, but it's okay because he left a piece of his here on Earth with me.
I can't fall asleep. I napped earlier due to pure exhaustion, but now find myself sitting here, still awake, with my heart aching for Jill and Shane and the family.
Their loss has been twisted into a movement for a cause that has nothing to do with his death. By mere coincidence, he has become a tool for a fake nonprofit to push their own personal agenda.
Baby Joshua means more than that. He represents faith and strength to so many people. How can people be so cold-hearted?
My words have failed me and I cannot explain how much my soul hurts for the family. For their loss. For becoming the target of this media attention plot. For the nasty and hateful comments that have been posted on their blog and that continue to be posted. (Jill, just so you know, I am continuing to filter these. Until you tell me to stop, I will be deleting hateful and unnecessary comments.)
He was so beautiful.
Jill, I prayed with him while you left me in his room on Friday. I prayed and sang to him as I held his paci in place and stroked his forehead, lulling him into a light sleep. I removed his cap and ran my hand across his red hair. He was fierce and fiesty too and every time I stopped singing or praying, he would wake up. I will never forget his adoring face as he looked at you, holding him and laughing.
Like so many others, he has touched my life and made teeny tiny footprints on my heart. And today, after so many days before it, I have seen my kids in a new light. I know that you are seeing Hannah and Caleb through new eyes as well.
And I know that your fight is not over. I know your heart enough to know that this is just the beginning. The start of shouting awareness from the rooftops and of serving the Lord more and more with your graceful heart. You will continue to share Baby Joshua with other and continue to change lives.
But the next few days will be a different fight. Jill, you will be faced with questions and accusations. Please, remember, that God has given you these fights for a reason. You will have to face sweet Hannah and Caleb and comfort their broken hearts; it's just a different type of broken heart. And your heart is broken as well. It will take time to heal and will always remain changed. You will cope with all stages of grief as you endure one of the hardest challenges for a parent: to bury your child.
Remember, there is a large world out here full of believers, lovers of Christ, that are willing to fight the fights with you, no matter how large or how small. We will hold your hand, wipe your tears, embrace you, offer our shoulders and our outstretched arms. We will listen. We will pray.
Your words have always meant so much to me, even when I never commented. Joshua had a broken heart and I truely believe that having you for a mama and Shane for a daddy made it less broken. He is now with the best Father, Doctor, and Healer ever imaginable. And he lives on in each one of us.
I know that today, Joshua took a piece of my heart with him to heaven, but it's okay because he left a piece of his here on Earth with me.
In Honor of Baby Joshua
Joshua 6:27 from The Message:
"God was with Joshua. He became famous all over the land."
Today is a day of grief. Of mourning.
Baby Joshua was born on August 16th with a broken heart. Named Joshua after 1:9, "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."
After two surgeries and a number of crashes, Baby Joshua has taken his last breath. His heart has pumped one last time. And he is back with the Father of all fathers.
In the Bible, Joshua was a soldier. A fighter. He answered a calling from God to fight and boy, did he fight.
In the last year, baby Joshua was a soldier. A fighter. He defied all odds when his mother, Jill, has a hemmorage during pregnancy. He defied all odds by making it full term. And he defied all odds by surviving his first weeks.
In the Bible, Joshua became a recognized name.
In the last year, I have shared Joshua with more of my family and friends than I even imagined. My friends and family have shared baby Joshua with their friends and families. Today, I have recieved messages from people who do not know baby Joshua or the family. Messages flood Jill and Shane from people they have never met. At one point, Jill told me, her blog had 10,000 hits in one day. Through his story and his amazingly strong parents, baby Joshua has changed lives.
In the Bible, Joshua reached many points where he could have stopped. God asked him to keep fighting and he did.
In the last year, baby Joshua has reached many points where he could have returned to the arms of Christ. God asked him to stay a little longer, and he did. He stayed for his mommy. He stayed for the unsaved people who found faith through him. He stayed for a purpose. In baby Joshua's short life, he has impacted beauty on so many people. Some people live a hundred years and fail to touch so many lives.
Thank you God for such a tiny blessing. Thank you Jill and Shane for sharing him with the world. There are no words to say to express the pain and the loss that I feel for you. The sympathy pains that run deep are nothing compared to the utter ache you are enduring. Just know that I am here for you, whenever you are ready for me. And everyone else is keeping you in their prayers.
"God was with Joshua. He became famous all over the land."
Today is a day of grief. Of mourning.
Baby Joshua was born on August 16th with a broken heart. Named Joshua after 1:9, "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."
After two surgeries and a number of crashes, Baby Joshua has taken his last breath. His heart has pumped one last time. And he is back with the Father of all fathers.
In the last year, baby Joshua was a soldier. A fighter. He defied all odds when his mother, Jill, has a hemmorage during pregnancy. He defied all odds by making it full term. And he defied all odds by surviving his first weeks.
In the last year, I have shared Joshua with more of my family and friends than I even imagined. My friends and family have shared baby Joshua with their friends and families. Today, I have recieved messages from people who do not know baby Joshua or the family. Messages flood Jill and Shane from people they have never met. At one point, Jill told me, her blog had 10,000 hits in one day. Through his story and his amazingly strong parents, baby Joshua has changed lives.
In the last year, baby Joshua has reached many points where he could have returned to the arms of Christ. God asked him to stay a little longer, and he did. He stayed for his mommy. He stayed for the unsaved people who found faith through him. He stayed for a purpose. In baby Joshua's short life, he has impacted beauty on so many people. Some people live a hundred years and fail to touch so many lives.
Thank you God for such a tiny blessing. Thank you Jill and Shane for sharing him with the world. There are no words to say to express the pain and the loss that I feel for you. The sympathy pains that run deep are nothing compared to the utter ache you are enduring. Just know that I am here for you, whenever you are ready for me. And everyone else is keeping you in their prayers.
Just Call Me "Mrs. Nice Girl"
Disclaimer: This is not a post to brag on myself. Just reflecting on some things that have been said to me. I really do not want anyone to think that this is me being conceited. I tend to think that I am humble and I hate when people compliment me, but this seems different.
So, a long time friend one day told me that she has never met anyone like me. That she has never in her life had a friend like me. That I am there, even if she doesn't think she needs me and that I care, even when she doesn't want me to. And that she is so grateful to have me there.
One of my best friends has told me multiple times in the past couple months that I am "so friendly" and that everyone loves me. She became my friend through a series of weird events that are so extraordinary and that would have never made it seem as if it would be like it is today. (Side note: God is so awesome like that!)
Last week, I had an email conversation with someone that contacted me through craigslist about couches that we were selling. I ended up finding out that she's a struggling, unemployed student that is just trying to make ends meet. She told me that it was really nice to "meet" me.
This morning, in speaking with a guy that I've met through my work with the church, I was told that he just felt comfortable talking to me. And yesterday, he said that I just seemed to be so good at what I do - connecting with people and having relationships.
This afternoon, I had a playdate with a woman that I have only met once. We have spoken on the phone twice: once today when she said she was running late and once when she called to ask a few questions about the church. We set up the playdate on facebook. Towards the end of our time together, she turned to me and said, "Ya know, it's weird but I just feel so comfortable with you. I have no reservations about telling you things about me and my family." I didn't know quite what to say.
Then she complimented my hat.
That's when I realized that I could care less about things that people compliment me on, such as my sneakers or my clothes or other crap that I've bought. I take some pride in compliments that I recieve when people see my home or my creations, such as brochures or my scrapbook pages or sewing projects, because of time and effort that I have committed to those things. But, hearing people tell me that they enjoy spending time with me, talking with me makes my heart swell, because it is nothing that I have done to make myself that way. By hearing them say that, I can see that they are seeing the Carla that God created, made from dust, and that they are seeing the hard work that my mom (and dad, kinda) put into shaping me and molding me into a person that loves people, cares for people. And I am able to say that "that is just who God made me to be."
So, it is His "fault" that I am so nice. So friendly. And I wouldn't change it for the world. Even if it means that I help carry other people's load, or that I cry at night for the lives of others, or that I fear for their fears and am joyful for their joys. So many people have this mindset that people hurt, people are painful, people are sin. And yea, we all hurt, we all cause pain and we all sin. But, where most people then "shut off" that element of them that creates and maintains relationships, I don't. I don't want to.
We have all been burned by someone. Or many someones. But when we meet new someones, we cannot know if they are going to cause us pain or heartbreak. And statistically, they will. But does that mean we do not need to be kind to them, that we should not say hello and form a relationship with them? And, looking at all the people I love in my life, past or present, I would not want to re-do a single one, even those that stabbed me in the back or broke my heart. I cannot know that I would be exactly where I am today and who I am today without those people and their influences. And I wouldn't want to miss that. I wouldn't want to change that.
Everytime I reach out and form a friendship with someone, I walk away gaining more than I gave. I am so thankful to God for allowing me to have an open heart to loving people, no matter where they are in their life, and to seeing people from the inside, not the appearance they give. I am so grateful that my heart has not been hardened by the life that I have lived.
So, here's the challenge: Think of one person you encounter in your life...whether it's the same cashier that you see whenever you go to the store, or a neighbor that lives down the street, or the friend of a friend that you see at gatherings but never talk to...a person that you see, maybe wave, but never really do much more. Think of this person and make the motion to start a conversation with them. A real conversation, beyond "Hi. How are you?" (although that's a great start) and then, next time, have the conversation and become more involved. Eventually, invite them to coffee or to have dinner. Most likely, they won't bite on the offer. So ask again. Sooner or later, maybe they will become something more than just a conversation...and then you will see that God's timing was perfect.
It may take doing this with ten or twenty or thirty people, but if you do it sincerely, with God's love, you will see something happen. I can't even explain it; you just have to live it.
So, a long time friend one day told me that she has never met anyone like me. That she has never in her life had a friend like me. That I am there, even if she doesn't think she needs me and that I care, even when she doesn't want me to. And that she is so grateful to have me there.
One of my best friends has told me multiple times in the past couple months that I am "so friendly" and that everyone loves me. She became my friend through a series of weird events that are so extraordinary and that would have never made it seem as if it would be like it is today. (Side note: God is so awesome like that!)
Last week, I had an email conversation with someone that contacted me through craigslist about couches that we were selling. I ended up finding out that she's a struggling, unemployed student that is just trying to make ends meet. She told me that it was really nice to "meet" me.
This morning, in speaking with a guy that I've met through my work with the church, I was told that he just felt comfortable talking to me. And yesterday, he said that I just seemed to be so good at what I do - connecting with people and having relationships.
This afternoon, I had a playdate with a woman that I have only met once. We have spoken on the phone twice: once today when she said she was running late and once when she called to ask a few questions about the church. We set up the playdate on facebook. Towards the end of our time together, she turned to me and said, "Ya know, it's weird but I just feel so comfortable with you. I have no reservations about telling you things about me and my family." I didn't know quite what to say.
Then she complimented my hat.
That's when I realized that I could care less about things that people compliment me on, such as my sneakers or my clothes or other crap that I've bought. I take some pride in compliments that I recieve when people see my home or my creations, such as brochures or my scrapbook pages or sewing projects, because of time and effort that I have committed to those things. But, hearing people tell me that they enjoy spending time with me, talking with me makes my heart swell, because it is nothing that I have done to make myself that way. By hearing them say that, I can see that they are seeing the Carla that God created, made from dust, and that they are seeing the hard work that my mom (and dad, kinda) put into shaping me and molding me into a person that loves people, cares for people. And I am able to say that "that is just who God made me to be."
So, it is His "fault" that I am so nice. So friendly. And I wouldn't change it for the world. Even if it means that I help carry other people's load, or that I cry at night for the lives of others, or that I fear for their fears and am joyful for their joys. So many people have this mindset that people hurt, people are painful, people are sin. And yea, we all hurt, we all cause pain and we all sin. But, where most people then "shut off" that element of them that creates and maintains relationships, I don't. I don't want to.
We have all been burned by someone. Or many someones. But when we meet new someones, we cannot know if they are going to cause us pain or heartbreak. And statistically, they will. But does that mean we do not need to be kind to them, that we should not say hello and form a relationship with them? And, looking at all the people I love in my life, past or present, I would not want to re-do a single one, even those that stabbed me in the back or broke my heart. I cannot know that I would be exactly where I am today and who I am today without those people and their influences. And I wouldn't want to miss that. I wouldn't want to change that.
Everytime I reach out and form a friendship with someone, I walk away gaining more than I gave. I am so thankful to God for allowing me to have an open heart to loving people, no matter where they are in their life, and to seeing people from the inside, not the appearance they give. I am so grateful that my heart has not been hardened by the life that I have lived.
So, here's the challenge: Think of one person you encounter in your life...whether it's the same cashier that you see whenever you go to the store, or a neighbor that lives down the street, or the friend of a friend that you see at gatherings but never talk to...a person that you see, maybe wave, but never really do much more. Think of this person and make the motion to start a conversation with them. A real conversation, beyond "Hi. How are you?" (although that's a great start) and then, next time, have the conversation and become more involved. Eventually, invite them to coffee or to have dinner. Most likely, they won't bite on the offer. So ask again. Sooner or later, maybe they will become something more than just a conversation...and then you will see that God's timing was perfect.
It may take doing this with ten or twenty or thirty people, but if you do it sincerely, with God's love, you will see something happen. I can't even explain it; you just have to live it.
A Meal of Thoughts on my Plate
The Drink:
I order diet. We have made the change in our house from regular soda to diet soda. Once you get used to it, you cannot taste a difference, and at some point, you realize that you don't even like to drink regular anymore. I have re-developed my love for music. It's in a different dynamic than before. I no longer desire to have hateful or hurtful music fill my ears. I no longer want to be filled with lyrics that are full of violence. I listen to the words and want to hear things that fill my heart. To hear music that resonates, not only with my sense of rhythm, but with my life and my choices for my life. I could always sense a difference between positive and negative music. The feelings that arise inside of me when I listen to it. And now, I am to a point where I don't even like the negative music anymore.
The Salad:
When I eat salad, it's nothing extravagant. If I fill it up with a bunch of toppings, it's too much and I do not have room for my main meal. So, I keep it simple: lettuce, dressing, a couple croutons and maybe some cheese. I have decided that simplicity is what I need for survival. I am fed up with the "need" for stuff. Things. Money. Value. We strive to have things. We thrive to have stuff. I have reached the end of my desire for the worldly posessions. Looking at where my life was when I accumulated this stuff, I can see why it may be better to have none. Yes, we will keep belongings, but I am done with the clutter. If it has sat, unused for a given amount of time, it's gone. I will sell it on craigslist or give it away on freecycle or pass it along to friends or leave it at the curb. I just do not need these objects that mean nothing to me making my life more messy. We have slowly de-cluttered and simplified our living room. It is amazing to me how much more calming it is. Yes, we have kids, so on many days, there are shoes here and toys there, but they have a place and when we clean up, it is quick and painless. I want this for my entire house. My entire life.
The Main Course:
The meat and potatoes. When living in a home where my husband does most of the cooking, we almost always have some sort of meat and potatoes. But it's filling and it's overall nutritious and it never gets old. People have been eating meat and potatoes as a meal for generations. People have been serving one another in the name of Christ for generations.
With my job, I step into people's lives. Sometimes they ask, sometimes I offer. Many times, neither of us get what we bargained for. I have developed this thirst for serving people, helping people, loving people. I have this thirst that cannot be quenched, and God sees this. He continues to give me more challenges, more families and people to serve, more love to give. It's phenomenal to see that when you love one person, it's hard. When you love five people, it becomes a little easier. When you open up your arms and love everyone (or try to) and welcome people into your life, come what may, the reward is more amazing that just assisting someone. My heart feels so full. When I closed up my life, when I was closed off to God and didn't care, I felt so empty. So alone. And everyday, every interaction was a struggle, a difficulty that I didn't want to do. But...
The Interruption:
Whenever we eat dinner, there is always at least one interruption - whether Isa spills something and needs a napkin or Teo throws his fork across the dining room or someone is at the door or Jose needs a refill of his drink...no matter what, it's unexpected and can be stressful, but we must take a moment to be thankful for even those small things because that means we are alive. Jose just returned home with the kids. First thing that Teo did was hit the power button on my laptop. How do kids know these things? Of the 100 buttons on the keyboard, he always hits the power button. I had a minor freak out, worried, as I tucked him in that everything written before now was lost. But, I changed him into his PJs, gave him his sippy and began to say bedtime prayers. As I peeked at him, halfway through, his sippy was at his side and his hands were folded together. When finishing, I said AMEN, and he echoed, "Mee Meen." Oh, how I love that booger. And, in case you didn't figure it out, my computer didn't shut down entirely with the click of the button, so all was not lost.
The Main Course, Continued:
Back to the meat and potatoes...Once our marriage hit it's rock bottom, once I realized that Jose and I could not carry this world alone and once we agreed that one of the necessary committments we needed to make was to find a church, God has carried us. He has changed my heart and he has changed Jose's heart. Before, if I had to work late, a fight ensued. Before, if one of us wanted to help someone financially or another way, a fight ensued. Before, if we discussed any Biblical topic, a fight ensued. Before, if one of us wanted to join some friends for the night, a fight ensued. Before, if finances were tight, a fight ensued. Now....the change is vast. Yes, we still argue. Yes, we still have struggles. But, it's different. Like a weight has been lifted. And all I want to do is share that with everyone I love, everyone I know, everyone I meet. No, I'm not a Bible thumper. No, I'm not going to force religion and God down your throat if I meet you in line at the grocery store. But, if you ask, my eyes will gain an extra sparkle and my speech will gain some speed and my passion will pour out of me.
But, there's more to ministry and sharing God's love than asking them to join church or to pray for their salvation. Many people are not there yet in their journey. Maybe I understand this all too well. I graduated from college, a faith-based college, five years ago. I had a passion for God when I started there, but when I left, I just wanted to be done. It's not the school's fault. I just wasn't at a point where I felt that I needed God. Maybe it was my age. Maybe it was my relationship with my boyfriend of 4 years who had no faith. Maybe it was my rebellion against my mom. Or maybe it was my agression towards my father. Maybe it was my friends. Maybe it was my love for secular music and movies. Maybe it was a combination of all these things and more. Either way, I graduated, five months pregnant and was married to that boyfriend. Through the next four years, I thought about finding a church. But, it wasn't important. My daughter was born. I had a good job with continual raises and promotion. We moved. We got a car. We were "good" people. Why did we need God? Without Him, we were doing amazing things. We bought a house. We got another house. Jose had a stable job with awesome benefits. We were able to afford a vacation and we bought stuff. Our son was born on February 23rd.
On April 6th, my husband began his physical affair after a lengthy emotional affair. I had my mom take the kids many weekends and I would escape life at the bar during the months after Teo was born. On May 5th, Jose told me. Certain circumstances led him to confess, although I am certain that guilt was not one of them. The consequences were grim. Through the days and nights of numbness, followed by stabbing pain and endless tears, I knew. I knew before May 5th. Many of those days and nights of numbness and pain occurred before the confession. Suddenly, like a slap in the face, I realized that without God, we were failing miserably. We couldn't keep our heads above water. We were like watching a train wreck in progress.
I will never forget the reactions that came from friends and family. One such person was "shocked" because we had it all, including the "fenced in yard for the kids to play"...she was heartbroken for us, not because of what we were enduring, but because we had the perfect life according to our stuff - the house, yard, cars, clothes, possessions. Others were just amazed by how well we held it in until that point. Still others found no wrong in what happened, or gave Jose a manly pat on the back for accomplishing something that some men cannot.
However, I know that if anyone had asked us, during those four years between college and the affair to join them at church or to accept God back into our lives, we would have kindly told them no. We were good people. We didn't need church. We didn't need God.
One of the consequences that I required to attempt to fix our marriage and our life was Church. And, I won't lie, it wasn't because we needed God. At least, I didn't see that yet. I originally had the thought that if I got Jose to church, he would find new friends that had morals, friends that would call him out if he tried to cheat again. And it never once crossed my mind that I needed God, but of course, Jose did. I was utterly wrong. Growing up in a church didn't make me any better than Jose. Going out and getting drunk beyond comprehension every weekend didn't make me better than Jose. I can honestly say that if he hadn't cheated, he would have done something else, or I would have. If it wasn't an affair, it would have been drinking beyond control or finding relief in drugs or becoming suicidal. We were a wreck, but we were too blind, too "in control," too numb to see.
So, if anyone asked us to join them at church or if anyone encouraged us to find God, we would have said "okay, okay," but we never would have taken the steps to actually do so. I mean, really, we were so "okay" and "fine" that we didn't need anything else.
Sadly, it took everything crashing and burning for us to see that something needed to change. Unfortunately, we are not the only people who operate that way. And when doing ministry, it's always a guessing game. Often, when things are going well, people fail to see why they need religion, faith, and God. Othertimes, in other situations, when things are failing miserably, people fail to see how religion, faith, and God could possibly help them. So, when serving others, we cannot focus on salvation. We cannot serve them only dependant on them coming to church or joining a congregation or Bible study. So, when I speak to someone, when I serve, oftentimes, I barely mention faith aside from saying that I work for the church. By saying that, they know where I stand. I am not going to push religion on them and ruin any chance of relationship that may exist. Patience has shown me that there is always a time. And God will always provide the opportunity. By creating lasting relationships and by helping people with their immediate needs, I am acting out Christ's love. I am showing them God's heart without saying a word about religion. And I have seen, in my short time since reaffirming God as my God and Christ as my Savior, that when you love people like that, sooner or later, they start the conversation about faith. And that is more powerful than door-to-door ministry and outreach.
In the past few months, I have seen more God-incidences and miracles that I can track. I have seen pain. I have hugged total strangers. I have given business cards to people in the weirdest circumstances. I have cried for these people. I have prayed and begged God on behalf of these people. I have met amazing workers, doing the task that God has given them whether it be counseling or housing or case work or serving in a factory. I have seen the hand of God in the world in a way that I never have seen before and all I had to do was to open my eyes and open my heart.
Everyday, I yearn for this. I breathe for this. I love this and I want to serve God through the people as long as he grants me the ability to do so. I think about how blessed I am constantly. I think about how honored I am to have God allow me to do His work in such a small scale. I only pray that He gives me the words, the knowledge, the right thing at the right time, so that I'm not acting in a human means, but as more.
I pray that God continues to carry me, my marriage, my family, my church, my pastor, my work, my friends, my acquaintances, my interactions to come together for His master plan. Because I cannot fathom doing anything differently than I do now. I cannot see anything else satisfying my hunger more than this does. And I am eager and anxious to see what God will bring to this ministry in the next year, or two years, or five years, or twenty-five years...This is the food I want to eat to be full.
The Dessert:
Chocolate chip cookies. They are my weakness. I cannot eat one without desiring another. I guess it's like this desire to serve. I get a taste of how hard and emotionally draining and stressful it can be, however, it is so glorious and rewarding, that I must go back for more. Fortunately, my position in life is not as fattening as cookies are.
Thank you for joining me for my meal. God bless.
In Everything...God Shines Through...
My week has been filled with ups and downs, and the best I can do is to continue to pray and praise God for what He is doing in our world. If you care to join me in praises or prayer, here's a short list (not nearly everything that I have been praying/praising for) of what's been on my heart:
Dear Father, you are THE Father to so many who are fatherless and those who have earthly fathers, whether good or damaging. Thank you for being MY Father. MY Savior. MY Creator. I can look around me and see Your hand, doing great works and challenging people to become better servants to You. I am so grateful to have submitted to being Your servant and although I am still learning, I pray that You are patient with me. Guide me. Lead me. Allow me to worship You and to show Your great love to the people I interract with. Please. Be with the situations above. Guide them. Lead them. Allow them to accept and love you and to become pillars in doing Your work. Thank You. For all you have done with the above situations. Thank you for the guidance, the leadership, the grace which You use when dealing with us. You are so Holy. You are so amazing. You are the reason I live. Amen.
- A college roommate accepted a job here and will be moving from the neighboring state. She is trying to find an apartment, but if necessary, will be staying here. It's selfish, I know, but I'm so excited because it's been over 5 years since we've lived in the same area! Praise God for providing a job, shelter for her (whether it's our home or the apartment), and for friendship! Also, pray that the job is a good fit, that she loves it and that she is able to impact lives of local youth.
- Another college friend has a son born with HLHS. He is a little over a month old and yesterday, they did another surgery because the shunt in his heart was too large. He has struggled off and on since being born and is being held in God's hands. There is so much to pray for and praise God for with baby Joshua, so if you want more info, go HERE.
- I've been working with a family that live near our church that has reached out to us. They took in a 19 year old and her 11 month old baby about a month ago. The teenager had no desire to work or help around the house, and often left, chasing drugs or alcohol or other negative things, leaving the family to care for the baby. They clothed her, fed her, bought her necessities and loved her. Last week, CPS took the baby and today had a court hearing. None of the baby's family wants anything to do with her and the mother and grandmother keep testing postive for drug usage. The teen mom also has an older daughter that was staying with the grandma and who has been removed from the home and put into foster care also. Although the woman (that sought our help) and her family were willing to fight for the baby to stay with them, it looks like it would be a losing battle and today, she seemed to be accepting that. She is in contact with the foster family and they are willing to allow them to stay in touch with the baby. The foster family has taken the baby to the doctor for the first time since she was a newborn and the doctors are concerned about her growth. The teenage mother had not fed her anything except bottles and never took her from the carseat. Only once she arrived with this family did she start eating cereals and other foods and get challanged to strengthen her muscles and bones. The foster family will be taking her to Riley's to test for bone disease. So, prayers for the children, the families, the lost souls and everyone involved in this. Praise to God for bringing the situation to light, allowing the children to recieve the love and care they deserve, and for His hand in it all.
- A couple that are close friends have been approved to foster two young sisters! Praise God as they have been waiting and in the process for over a year now! Isa and Teo know this couple as their Aunt and Uncle, so will be overjoyed to have other children to play with!
- Personally, I'm facing some struggles. A grant ending and uncertainty about the next one and finances. Dealing with a house that is a giant project. Arguements and hurts within my marriage from both parties. The normal difficulty of raising kids. Self-esteem stuff. Past wounds not healing. I praise God for where I am, in contrast to where I was a year or two ago, but need Him to continue to work in my life.
- A acquaintance from college that has become a near and dear friend now is in another country doing God's work. Praise God and pray for them continually.
- One of the fathers that attended my class this past month is still in my prayers. He is 16, with one child and another on the way. He has lived in a group home for 2 years now. He attended class with a friend, who is 18, not a father that he "knows of", and has been in the same group home for 1 1/2 years. Both have had an uphill battle with life until now and continue to face struggles as they become young men in a tempting world. I praise God for where they are now, in contrast to where they were, and pray that He continues to touch their lives.
- A friend's father in law underwent a double bypass surgery last week and has been pretty unstable since. Pray for him and the family.
- Another friend is trying to work through a relationship that is difficult. She has two young kids with the father, and there are many hurts and pains that they need to work through. Pray for God to continue to work in their lives, so that His Will be done, whichever way the path may lead. Praise Him for opening some doors and pray that He continues to open more.
Dear Father, you are THE Father to so many who are fatherless and those who have earthly fathers, whether good or damaging. Thank you for being MY Father. MY Savior. MY Creator. I can look around me and see Your hand, doing great works and challenging people to become better servants to You. I am so grateful to have submitted to being Your servant and although I am still learning, I pray that You are patient with me. Guide me. Lead me. Allow me to worship You and to show Your great love to the people I interract with. Please. Be with the situations above. Guide them. Lead them. Allow them to accept and love you and to become pillars in doing Your work. Thank You. For all you have done with the above situations. Thank you for the guidance, the leadership, the grace which You use when dealing with us. You are so Holy. You are so amazing. You are the reason I live. Amen.
My unintentional week.
This week, intentional time has been few and far between. Actually, anything intentional has possibly flewn out the window. Since the start of the week, we have been nothing but schedule changes, inconsistancies, and floops. What? You don't know what a floop is? Me either. It just sounds about right.
Monday's major event was registering Isa for school. She is official. Kindergarten starts in a couple weeks. Teachers are Ms. Smith and Sra. Frabel. We have a teacher conference next week to meet the teacher. I have already met Sra. Frabel and am not her largest fan, but maybe she will show me that she's a better teacher than my first impression. She's the one who evaluated Isa for early admission.
Monday also marked the end to our first 12 week series of 24/7 Dad. It was bittersweet. There were three guys who completed the course and through it all, we all grew fairly close. Now, to know that we will not be meeting once a week, was hard. But it was wonderful to hear them give their thoughts and opinions of how the class has affected their lives.
Tuesday was one of my days home with the kids. They simply drove me crazy. It was a very hot and muggy day. And with our lack of central air, it was difficult to keep the house cool enough for us not to go insane. The kids got the vibe, I'm sure, because they were extra nerve wrecking with their arguements and misbehavings. I survived. Barely. And when Jose got home, he helped Isa clean her room.
The agreement was if she cleaned her room, we could go to Chuck E. Cheese. I believe Jose saw the need for Chuck E. Cheese to calm my nerves and to cool us all down, so he cleaned with her to make it happen. We skipped the church softball game (which was their first win) and met my sister at Chuck E. Cheese, for a night of fun, food and cool air. When we returned home, both kids easily went to bed and my wits were restored.
Tuesday also marked the day when the neighbor, John, came knocking on my door, asking if we knew anyone who could use a couch, free. I had just taken Teo out of the bath, so I was slightly distracted by his naked butt running around the foyer as I spoke to John, so I just told him I'd check around. When I texted Jose, he reminded me that WE need a new couch. So, I went next door and asked if we could have it. By the end of the day, we got a new couch and a new recliner for our living room. The old chair returned to its lair in the basement and the couch is in the dining room waiting for a new home.
Wednesday was another work day. Meetings, meetings, meetings was the jist of it. Good meetings though. During the few moments that I was home, I recieved another knock at the door which led to the neighbor giving us a cabinet thing (like for an entry area), a chalk board, a large glass mirror, and a built in bar area (for the basement). Last night, we got it all downstairs and I believe I sweated about ten pounds of water off.
Today (Thursday) has also been very random. The kids woke me up kinda early, so after breakfast, I allowed cartoons and play. Teo did basically every single thing he could have to get in trouble. Every time he was sent to timeout, he was giggling. So, by 9:45, he was sent up for a nap (usually, he goes down at 10). Now, at 11:45, he is still awake. Screaming. Throwing things. He is simply fighting sleep and his desire for independence and stubborn struggle has worn me down. I went up to calm him down about a half hour ago, and he ended up sitting in bed, giving milk from his sippy cup to each of his stuffed friends in his bed. Afterwards, he would lick them. (I have NO idea!) I have gotten to the point where it is now a battle of willpower, so I will not give in and let him out of his room without a nap. He is so tired. When I was up there, he kept rubbing his eyes, laying down and relaxing for a split second before he realized he was at ease, then tensing back up and starting to scream and cry again. The silence is lasting a little longer and longer each time now, so soon, he will be asleep, I hope.
Isa and I have dentist appointments at 2 PM. McKenzie and Scott with be babysitting Teo here for the short amount of time that we will be gone. I pray that he becomes a normal kid by then. I'll let you know...
Monday's major event was registering Isa for school. She is official. Kindergarten starts in a couple weeks. Teachers are Ms. Smith and Sra. Frabel. We have a teacher conference next week to meet the teacher. I have already met Sra. Frabel and am not her largest fan, but maybe she will show me that she's a better teacher than my first impression. She's the one who evaluated Isa for early admission.
Monday also marked the end to our first 12 week series of 24/7 Dad. It was bittersweet. There were three guys who completed the course and through it all, we all grew fairly close. Now, to know that we will not be meeting once a week, was hard. But it was wonderful to hear them give their thoughts and opinions of how the class has affected their lives.
Tuesday was one of my days home with the kids. They simply drove me crazy. It was a very hot and muggy day. And with our lack of central air, it was difficult to keep the house cool enough for us not to go insane. The kids got the vibe, I'm sure, because they were extra nerve wrecking with their arguements and misbehavings. I survived. Barely. And when Jose got home, he helped Isa clean her room.
The agreement was if she cleaned her room, we could go to Chuck E. Cheese. I believe Jose saw the need for Chuck E. Cheese to calm my nerves and to cool us all down, so he cleaned with her to make it happen. We skipped the church softball game (which was their first win) and met my sister at Chuck E. Cheese, for a night of fun, food and cool air. When we returned home, both kids easily went to bed and my wits were restored.
Tuesday also marked the day when the neighbor, John, came knocking on my door, asking if we knew anyone who could use a couch, free. I had just taken Teo out of the bath, so I was slightly distracted by his naked butt running around the foyer as I spoke to John, so I just told him I'd check around. When I texted Jose, he reminded me that WE need a new couch. So, I went next door and asked if we could have it. By the end of the day, we got a new couch and a new recliner for our living room. The old chair returned to its lair in the basement and the couch is in the dining room waiting for a new home.
Wednesday was another work day. Meetings, meetings, meetings was the jist of it. Good meetings though. During the few moments that I was home, I recieved another knock at the door which led to the neighbor giving us a cabinet thing (like for an entry area), a chalk board, a large glass mirror, and a built in bar area (for the basement). Last night, we got it all downstairs and I believe I sweated about ten pounds of water off.
Today (Thursday) has also been very random. The kids woke me up kinda early, so after breakfast, I allowed cartoons and play. Teo did basically every single thing he could have to get in trouble. Every time he was sent to timeout, he was giggling. So, by 9:45, he was sent up for a nap (usually, he goes down at 10). Now, at 11:45, he is still awake. Screaming. Throwing things. He is simply fighting sleep and his desire for independence and stubborn struggle has worn me down. I went up to calm him down about a half hour ago, and he ended up sitting in bed, giving milk from his sippy cup to each of his stuffed friends in his bed. Afterwards, he would lick them. (I have NO idea!) I have gotten to the point where it is now a battle of willpower, so I will not give in and let him out of his room without a nap. He is so tired. When I was up there, he kept rubbing his eyes, laying down and relaxing for a split second before he realized he was at ease, then tensing back up and starting to scream and cry again. The silence is lasting a little longer and longer each time now, so soon, he will be asleep, I hope.
Isa and I have dentist appointments at 2 PM. McKenzie and Scott with be babysitting Teo here for the short amount of time that we will be gone. I pray that he becomes a normal kid by then. I'll let you know...
Self-Control and Motivation
I have something. I'm not going to say what it is, but I know. It needs to change. I'm sick and tired of it. I'm done. But I keep going back. And I hate that I have no control over it. So, I'm going to change it.
Self-control and motivation are two things that I lack. Seriously lack. And this is a huge element of what needs to change, so it's not just a change of behavior, but of habit and emotions.
But, I have a plan. Not a great, well thought out plan, but a small plan. And an awesome support. She will be like my coach (and in return, I will support her in one of her decisions, and hopefully soon, join her!).
She brought up the point of "fearless confidence" that we discussed in church yesterday.
"If I was fearlessly confident, I would...."
I am going to ask God for this fearless confidence that I need to do this. And, hopefully, I succeed. Please pray for me....
Self-control and motivation are two things that I lack. Seriously lack. And this is a huge element of what needs to change, so it's not just a change of behavior, but of habit and emotions.
But, I have a plan. Not a great, well thought out plan, but a small plan. And an awesome support. She will be like my coach (and in return, I will support her in one of her decisions, and hopefully soon, join her!).
She brought up the point of "fearless confidence" that we discussed in church yesterday.
"If I was fearlessly confident, I would...."
I am going to ask God for this fearless confidence that I need to do this. And, hopefully, I succeed. Please pray for me....
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