[Fair Warning: This is going to be a long one. Just saying, you've been warned!]
Preliminary Introduction: I recently switched careers from a position of management at a small nonprofit of approximately thirty to fifty full- and part-time staff to a totally new, developing area of work at our church. It began with a grant from IYI and the National Fatherhood Initiatives, which has our church offering three classes to local dads. One of the three is called 24/7 Dad and that's what this is about.
Monday night, in class, it was only session two of twelve, so I feel we're still getting our feet wet. The class is facilitated by myself and a friend from Anchor named Paul. The first class, we had one participant. Last night, we expected three but only had two. Nevertheless, the class took off and bloomed like a sapling after the little helicoptor seedling lands in the gutter (at least, that's how it is at our house...trees growing from the roof in a matter of seconds, it seems!).
The topic of discussion was masculinity and before class, Paul and I were talking about what the curriculum for the day involved. Both of us were, quite frankly, uncertain and leery of how interesting it would be. The first half hour or so of class was good. The two fathers were opening up and sharing about their families and themselves quite a bit. After break came the part we were nervous about
To explain, the curriculum set forth a silhouette of a man and had it broken into six zones: the head, the arms and hands, the chest and abdomen, the back, the buttock and genitals, and the legs and feet. To further illustrate, I drew a "man" on the white board and highlighted the different areas to discuss as well.
We began with each body "zone" and discussed what this meant in regards to masculinity. Paul and I feared that this discussion would quickly be over and done with much sooner than we expected and that was basically all that the curriculum for the day was. However, we soon realized that our fears were unpresedented when we were finishing up at exactly the proper time. I also had many moments of experiencing thoughts, expectations, and assumptions about men that I never realized, or honestly, ever considered.
We used green marker to denote negative or detrimental thinking and red marker to denote positive or beneficial thinking, so I will use the same color coding here.)
THE HEAD
-Knows everything
-Non-emotional
-Decision maker
-Admitting and getting help if needed
-Showing you care
-"Hard-headed"
-Awareness
My thoughts: Dads are often percieved, especially historically, to be "thinkers" and not "feelers" and when trying to be a good parent, that can be hard. Sometimes, it's okay to admit to others that you do not have all the answers and that you need help, especially when reaching a point where life is in disarray and things are falling apart, either at your own hands or the hands of others or circumstance. Socially now, and definately in the past, father was always the decision maker and many times, the woman's role in the house was to be submissive. If done in a negative way, submission can be seen as being powerless or incapable, when it really is not. The Bible instructs us as wives to be submissive, but it takes great strength to do so. And for fathers, there is nothing weak about reaching out to get the help when you need it. It doesn't make you weak or unable; it makes you human.
THE ARMS & HANDS
-Provider
-Defender
-Holding & Healing
-Aggressive & Abusive
-Fixing things
-Helping
-Carrying
-Playing
My Thoughts: As an honest women who has studied psychology, it's a no brainer to admit that men are physically stronger in arm capability than women. How many times have I handed bags or kids to my husband when my arms grow tired? But, to see how men (and society) can label masculinity by arms is intriguing. To think of the words provider and defender as negatives, as they were stated, was alarming. I often think of how much pressure is put on father to provide and defend for their families and the stress that must endure, especially in the world full of dangers and uncertainties. It deeply strikes my heart to think of how a man feels when something unpreventable happens to his wife or family, from a broken bone to a fatal car accident to cancer or disease, and how much psychological distress is caused, in addition to the expected, because of these standards to provide and defend. When the world was much simpler, such as nomads or tribal or even prarie families, it is easily seen as to how the father might integrate into this role, but as the world has evolved, the social pressures have not, and it is heartbreaking
Additionally, I find it amazing that some of the connections between masculinity and being a dad with the body zone of hands and arms included fixing things, holding, carrying, playing, and helping. I love that. That illusion of a mans strong arms embracing a newborn or a small child. It's a beautiful image. I love those photographs of a man, with his strong arms and chest, so carefully and lovingly holding a newborn. It's truely amazing
CHEST & STOMACH
-Image of "ripped" man
-Beer-bellied
-Cradling babies to chest
My Thoughts: The television shows two types of men. The suave ones with ripped abs and amazing pecs and a beautiful "chippendales" body (Think McDreamy and McSteamy). And the fat, stupid, lazy ones (aka the Homer Simpsons). Both do horrible things to self-image of males and are super detrimental. I simply hate media's portrayal of life sometimes. I do love, however, the male cradling of newborns (see above statements). I remember that when preparing to be parents for the first time, hearing or reading about the best way for fathers to bond with their new babies was to lay them naked (with a diaper preferrably) against their shirtless chest. The child learns the comfort of being held by daddy, their heartbeat and sounds of their body, and becomes attached to that scent. I shared this with Jose and remember many times, finding him and Isa together like this. I truely believe that it strengthened their bond. Because of the tough times we were enduring when Teo was born, this happened less frequently and I have witnessed over the last year, the slower pace at which they are bonding and creating their relationship.
THE BACK
-Strength
-"Carry the world on your shoulders"
-Integrity
-Having the ability to follow through
-Piggyback rides
-"Got their back" (their children and family)
My Thoughts: A lot of the back comments were similar to those of the arms - protect, strength, but others came through too. I found it very intriguing that some of the comments came to moral strength as well. And it makes sense. Thinking of it now, it is similar to the cliche of having a "backbone" and doing things that aren't easy. If you take it into principle, it would be doing the right thing no matter what. Doing what needs to be done. In the past, and sometimes now, especially in some blue collar jobs, it could be so much as doing back breaking labor to take care of your family as well.
In concept with the spirit of the fatherhood programs (which is making a change in socialital views of "fathers"), many deadbeat dads aren't having the integrity or following through with the choices they made when they created a child. And it's something that hits me personally to think about. Some of it can go back to how commonplace and accepted it is to be involved in sex despite your situation. Married people commit affairs all the time. Teenagers have sex before they're ready. Adults who are single engage in recreational sex. It's everywhere. And I don't even have room to lecture. I was pregnant before I got married. Granted, it was with the man I married and it was after four years of being together, but it still doesn't necessarily make it right. But no one even questioned it. [And I just realized that I've gone off on a tangent, so I'm going to stop there.]
In discussion afterwards, we asked which area is the most important, and I believe the back was one of them. And I can see why.
THE GENITALS & BUTTOCKS
-The showing of the butt ("saggin' pants")
-"Grow a pair"
-Ability to reproduce
-Pressure of "size matters"
-Question of homosexuality
-Circumcision debate
">My Thoughts: Maybe this is where I should have put my previous rant. :) I learned a lot during this body "zone" as I have different genitalia than the dads in the room (obviously). And it made some things make sense to me.
When Teo was born, I never understood Jose's immediate concern with his "junk." And the comparisons made by other fathers about the size of their sons' stuff. I was busy counting fingers and toes and I felt like everyone else was concerned with his "boy parts." This became much more obvious when we started realizing a problem. Teo had a hydrocele (short version: part of his abdominal cavity hadn't quite closed up and abdominal fluid was collecting in one testicle, causing quite the cosmetic issue. I was concerned about the medical issue, and while Jose was too, he had additional concerns about how it would look. Fortunately, his hydrocele corrected itself shortly, allowing his stuff to return to normal. In mentioning this to the class (I know, poor Teo...everyone is gonna know his business!), they completely understood and expressed it as the desire for their sons to be accepted in the locker room.
They unanimously agreed that boys who develop slower are teased and harrassed and called names, such as "sissy." This led to an additional discussion about how years ago, names like sissy and wimp meant just that, but now, to be weak or less-of-a-man automatically labels boys as gay. Additionally, this causes a lot more boys to question their sexuality at ages when their not even fully developed. Again, a soapbox could develop here, but I deter.
One thing that I learned though, that was sad and interesting to me, was the history of sagging pants. One father has a teenage son, and brought the topic up in regards to this "zone" and I had to ask, because I had never heard of where the fashion trend came from. Basically, what I was told is this: The tradition of wearing pants below the butt came from prison and was a sign from one male to the others that he was okay with being approached for sexual reasons. (That's the nicest way I can put it.) I will remember this if and when (hopefully never) Teo starts to pull his down too far.
And now, the last "zone" of masculinity:
THE LEGS
-Stamina (Working strength)
-Running from responsibility
My Thoughts: While the comments weren't as plentiful, they were so very powerful. The legs on a man are the part that must endure all day, standing, working, walking, driving. They are the strength that allows the entire body to continue on to do its duties no matter what. This can be representative of many things, including the sticking to it attitude that is oftentimes needs. On the negative end, legs can symbolize a man running, running away from his responsibilities, running away from what needs done.
FEEDBACK FROM YOU:
What "zone" of the body do you think of when you think of masculinity? Is there any cliches or standards that you thought about that weren't listed above? What's one thing new or profound that was discussed that you had never thought about?
