This week, intentional time has been few and far between. Actually, anything intentional has possibly flewn out the window. Since the start of the week, we have been nothing but schedule changes, inconsistancies, and floops. What? You don't know what a floop is? Me either. It just sounds about right.
Monday's major event was registering Isa for school. She is official. Kindergarten starts in a couple weeks. Teachers are Ms. Smith and Sra. Frabel. We have a teacher conference next week to meet the teacher. I have already met Sra. Frabel and am not her largest fan, but maybe she will show me that she's a better teacher than my first impression. She's the one who evaluated Isa for early admission.
Monday also marked the end to our first 12 week series of 24/7 Dad. It was bittersweet. There were three guys who completed the course and through it all, we all grew fairly close. Now, to know that we will not be meeting once a week, was hard. But it was wonderful to hear them give their thoughts and opinions of how the class has affected their lives.
Tuesday was one of my days home with the kids. They simply drove me crazy. It was a very hot and muggy day. And with our lack of central air, it was difficult to keep the house cool enough for us not to go insane. The kids got the vibe, I'm sure, because they were extra nerve wrecking with their arguements and misbehavings. I survived. Barely. And when Jose got home, he helped Isa clean her room.
The agreement was if she cleaned her room, we could go to Chuck E. Cheese. I believe Jose saw the need for Chuck E. Cheese to calm my nerves and to cool us all down, so he cleaned with her to make it happen. We skipped the church softball game (which was their first win) and met my sister at Chuck E. Cheese, for a night of fun, food and cool air. When we returned home, both kids easily went to bed and my wits were restored.
Tuesday also marked the day when the neighbor, John, came knocking on my door, asking if we knew anyone who could use a couch, free. I had just taken Teo out of the bath, so I was slightly distracted by his naked butt running around the foyer as I spoke to John, so I just told him I'd check around. When I texted Jose, he reminded me that WE need a new couch. So, I went next door and asked if we could have it. By the end of the day, we got a new couch and a new recliner for our living room. The old chair returned to its lair in the basement and the couch is in the dining room waiting for a new home.
Wednesday was another work day. Meetings, meetings, meetings was the jist of it. Good meetings though. During the few moments that I was home, I recieved another knock at the door which led to the neighbor giving us a cabinet thing (like for an entry area), a chalk board, a large glass mirror, and a built in bar area (for the basement). Last night, we got it all downstairs and I believe I sweated about ten pounds of water off.
Today (Thursday) has also been very random. The kids woke me up kinda early, so after breakfast, I allowed cartoons and play. Teo did basically every single thing he could have to get in trouble. Every time he was sent to timeout, he was giggling. So, by 9:45, he was sent up for a nap (usually, he goes down at 10). Now, at 11:45, he is still awake. Screaming. Throwing things. He is simply fighting sleep and his desire for independence and stubborn struggle has worn me down. I went up to calm him down about a half hour ago, and he ended up sitting in bed, giving milk from his sippy cup to each of his stuffed friends in his bed. Afterwards, he would lick them. (I have NO idea!) I have gotten to the point where it is now a battle of willpower, so I will not give in and let him out of his room without a nap. He is so tired. When I was up there, he kept rubbing his eyes, laying down and relaxing for a split second before he realized he was at ease, then tensing back up and starting to scream and cry again. The silence is lasting a little longer and longer each time now, so soon, he will be asleep, I hope.
Isa and I have dentist appointments at 2 PM. McKenzie and Scott with be babysitting Teo here for the short amount of time that we will be gone. I pray that he becomes a normal kid by then. I'll let you know...
Showing posts with label 24/7 Dad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 24/7 Dad. Show all posts
Masculinity
[Fair Warning: This is going to be a long one. Just saying, you've been warned!]
Preliminary Introduction: I recently switched careers from a position of management at a small nonprofit of approximately thirty to fifty full- and part-time staff to a totally new, developing area of work at our church. It began with a grant from IYI and the National Fatherhood Initiatives, which has our church offering three classes to local dads. One of the three is called 24/7 Dad and that's what this is about.
Monday night, in class, it was only session two of twelve, so I feel we're still getting our feet wet. The class is facilitated by myself and a friend from Anchor named Paul. The first class, we had one participant. Last night, we expected three but only had two. Nevertheless, the class took off and bloomed like a sapling after the little helicoptor seedling lands in the gutter (at least, that's how it is at our house...trees growing from the roof in a matter of seconds, it seems!).
The topic of discussion was masculinity and before class, Paul and I were talking about what the curriculum for the day involved. Both of us were, quite frankly, uncertain and leery of how interesting it would be. The first half hour or so of class was good. The two fathers were opening up and sharing about their families and themselves quite a bit. After break came the part we were nervous about
To explain, the curriculum set forth a silhouette of a man and had it broken into six zones: the head, the arms and hands, the chest and abdomen, the back, the buttock and genitals, and the legs and feet. To further illustrate, I drew a "man" on the white board and highlighted the different areas to discuss as well.
We began with each body "zone" and discussed what this meant in regards to masculinity. Paul and I feared that this discussion would quickly be over and done with much sooner than we expected and that was basically all that the curriculum for the day was. However, we soon realized that our fears were unpresedented when we were finishing up at exactly the proper time. I also had many moments of experiencing thoughts, expectations, and assumptions about men that I never realized, or honestly, ever considered.
We used green marker to denote negative or detrimental thinking and red marker to denote positive or beneficial thinking, so I will use the same color coding here.)
THE HEAD -Non-emotional
My thoughts: Dads are often percieved, especially historically, to be "thinkers" and not "feelers" and when trying to be a good parent, that can be hard. Sometimes, it's okay to admit to others that you do not have all the answers and that you need help, especially when reaching a point where life is in disarray and things are falling apart, either at your own hands or the hands of others or circumstance. Socially now, and definately in the past, father was always the decision maker and many times, the woman's role in the house was to be submissive. If done in a negative way, submission can be seen as being powerless or incapable, when it really is not. The Bible instructs us as wives to be submissive, but it takes great strength to do so. And for fathers, there is nothing weak about reaching out to get the help when you need it. It doesn't make you weak or unable; it makes you human.
My Thoughts: As an honest women who has studied psychology, it's a no brainer to admit that men are physically stronger in arm capability than women. How many times have I handed bags or kids to my husband when my arms grow tired? But, to see how men (and society) can label masculinity by arms is intriguing. To think of the words provider and defender as negatives, as they were stated, was alarming. I often think of how much pressure is put on father to provide and defend for their families and the stress that must endure, especially in the world full of dangers and uncertainties. It deeply strikes my heart to think of how a man feels when something unpreventable happens to his wife or family, from a broken bone to a fatal car accident to cancer or disease, and how much psychological distress is caused, in addition to the expected, because of these standards to provide and defend. When the world was much simpler, such as nomads or tribal or even prarie families, it is easily seen as to how the father might integrate into this role, but as the world has evolved, the social pressures have not, and it is heartbreaking
Additionally, I find it amazing that some of the connections between masculinity and being a dad with the body zone of hands and arms included fixing things, holding, carrying, playing, and helping. I love that. That illusion of a mans strong arms embracing a newborn or a small child. It's a beautiful image. I love those photographs of a man, with his strong arms and chest, so carefully and lovingly holding a newborn. It's truely amazing
My Thoughts: The television shows two types of men. The suave ones with ripped abs and amazing pecs and a beautiful "chippendales" body (Think McDreamy and McSteamy). And the fat, stupid, lazy ones (aka the Homer Simpsons). Both do horrible things to self-image of males and are super detrimental. I simply hate media's portrayal of life sometimes. I do love, however, the male cradling of newborns (see above statements). I remember that when preparing to be parents for the first time, hearing or reading about the best way for fathers to bond with their new babies was to lay them naked (with a diaper preferrably) against their shirtless chest. The child learns the comfort of being held by daddy, their heartbeat and sounds of their body, and becomes attached to that scent. I shared this with Jose and remember many times, finding him and Isa together like this. I truely believe that it strengthened their bond. Because of the tough times we were enduring when Teo was born, this happened less frequently and I have witnessed over the last year, the slower pace at which they are bonding and creating their relationship.
My Thoughts: A lot of the back comments were similar to those of the arms - protect, strength, but others came through too. I found it very intriguing that some of the comments came to moral strength as well. And it makes sense. Thinking of it now, it is similar to the cliche of having a "backbone" and doing things that aren't easy. If you take it into principle, it would be doing the right thing no matter what. Doing what needs to be done. In the past, and sometimes now, especially in some blue collar jobs, it could be so much as doing back breaking labor to take care of your family as well.
In concept with the spirit of the fatherhood programs (which is making a change in socialital views of "fathers"), many deadbeat dads aren't having the integrity or following through with the choices they made when they created a child. And it's something that hits me personally to think about. Some of it can go back to how commonplace and accepted it is to be involved in sex despite your situation. Married people commit affairs all the time. Teenagers have sex before they're ready. Adults who are single engage in recreational sex. It's everywhere. And I don't even have room to lecture. I was pregnant before I got married. Granted, it was with the man I married and it was after four years of being together, but it still doesn't necessarily make it right. But no one even questioned it. [And I just realized that I've gone off on a tangent, so I'm going to stop there.]
In discussion afterwards, we asked which area is the most important, and I believe the back was one of them. And I can see why.
">My Thoughts: Maybe this is where I should have put my previous rant. :) I learned a lot during this body "zone" as I have different genitalia than the dads in the room (obviously). And it made some things make sense to me.
When Teo was born, I never understood Jose's immediate concern with his "junk." And the comparisons made by other fathers about the size of their sons' stuff. I was busy counting fingers and toes and I felt like everyone else was concerned with his "boy parts." This became much more obvious when we started realizing a problem. Teo had a hydrocele (short version: part of his abdominal cavity hadn't quite closed up and abdominal fluid was collecting in one testicle, causing quite the cosmetic issue. I was concerned about the medical issue, and while Jose was too, he had additional concerns about how it would look. Fortunately, his hydrocele corrected itself shortly, allowing his stuff to return to normal. In mentioning this to the class (I know, poor Teo...everyone is gonna know his business!), they completely understood and expressed it as the desire for their sons to be accepted in the locker room.
They unanimously agreed that boys who develop slower are teased and harrassed and called names, such as "sissy." This led to an additional discussion about how years ago, names like sissy and wimp meant just that, but now, to be weak or less-of-a-man automatically labels boys as gay. Additionally, this causes a lot more boys to question their sexuality at ages when their not even fully developed. Again, a soapbox could develop here, but I deter.
One thing that I learned though, that was sad and interesting to me, was the history of sagging pants. One father has a teenage son, and brought the topic up in regards to this "zone" and I had to ask, because I had never heard of where the fashion trend came from. Basically, what I was told is this: The tradition of wearing pants below the butt came from prison and was a sign from one male to the others that he was okay with being approached for sexual reasons. (That's the nicest way I can put it.) I will remember this if and when (hopefully never) Teo starts to pull his down too far.
And now, the last "zone" of masculinity:
My Thoughts: While the comments weren't as plentiful, they were so very powerful. The legs on a man are the part that must endure all day, standing, working, walking, driving. They are the strength that allows the entire body to continue on to do its duties no matter what. This can be representative of many things, including the sticking to it attitude that is oftentimes needs. On the negative end, legs can symbolize a man running, running away from his responsibilities, running away from what needs done.
FEEDBACK FROM YOU:
What "zone" of the body do you think of when you think of masculinity? Is there any cliches or standards that you thought about that weren't listed above? What's one thing new or profound that was discussed that you had never thought about?
Preliminary Introduction: I recently switched careers from a position of management at a small nonprofit of approximately thirty to fifty full- and part-time staff to a totally new, developing area of work at our church. It began with a grant from IYI and the National Fatherhood Initiatives, which has our church offering three classes to local dads. One of the three is called 24/7 Dad and that's what this is about.
Monday night, in class, it was only session two of twelve, so I feel we're still getting our feet wet. The class is facilitated by myself and a friend from Anchor named Paul. The first class, we had one participant. Last night, we expected three but only had two. Nevertheless, the class took off and bloomed like a sapling after the little helicoptor seedling lands in the gutter (at least, that's how it is at our house...trees growing from the roof in a matter of seconds, it seems!).
The topic of discussion was masculinity and before class, Paul and I were talking about what the curriculum for the day involved. Both of us were, quite frankly, uncertain and leery of how interesting it would be. The first half hour or so of class was good. The two fathers were opening up and sharing about their families and themselves quite a bit. After break came the part we were nervous about
To explain, the curriculum set forth a silhouette of a man and had it broken into six zones: the head, the arms and hands, the chest and abdomen, the back, the buttock and genitals, and the legs and feet. To further illustrate, I drew a "man" on the white board and highlighted the different areas to discuss as well.
We began with each body "zone" and discussed what this meant in regards to masculinity. Paul and I feared that this discussion would quickly be over and done with much sooner than we expected and that was basically all that the curriculum for the day was. However, we soon realized that our fears were unpresedented when we were finishing up at exactly the proper time. I also had many moments of experiencing thoughts, expectations, and assumptions about men that I never realized, or honestly, ever considered.
We used green marker to denote negative or detrimental thinking and red marker to denote positive or beneficial thinking, so I will use the same color coding here.)
-Knows everything
-Decision maker
-Admitting and getting help if needed
-Showing you care
-"Hard-headed"
-Awareness
My thoughts: Dads are often percieved, especially historically, to be "thinkers" and not "feelers" and when trying to be a good parent, that can be hard. Sometimes, it's okay to admit to others that you do not have all the answers and that you need help, especially when reaching a point where life is in disarray and things are falling apart, either at your own hands or the hands of others or circumstance. Socially now, and definately in the past, father was always the decision maker and many times, the woman's role in the house was to be submissive. If done in a negative way, submission can be seen as being powerless or incapable, when it really is not. The Bible instructs us as wives to be submissive, but it takes great strength to do so. And for fathers, there is nothing weak about reaching out to get the help when you need it. It doesn't make you weak or unable; it makes you human.
THE ARMS & HANDS
-Provider
-Defender
-Holding & Healing
-Aggressive & Abusive
-Fixing things
-Helping
-Carrying
-Playing
My Thoughts: As an honest women who has studied psychology, it's a no brainer to admit that men are physically stronger in arm capability than women. How many times have I handed bags or kids to my husband when my arms grow tired? But, to see how men (and society) can label masculinity by arms is intriguing. To think of the words provider and defender as negatives, as they were stated, was alarming. I often think of how much pressure is put on father to provide and defend for their families and the stress that must endure, especially in the world full of dangers and uncertainties. It deeply strikes my heart to think of how a man feels when something unpreventable happens to his wife or family, from a broken bone to a fatal car accident to cancer or disease, and how much psychological distress is caused, in addition to the expected, because of these standards to provide and defend. When the world was much simpler, such as nomads or tribal or even prarie families, it is easily seen as to how the father might integrate into this role, but as the world has evolved, the social pressures have not, and it is heartbreaking
Additionally, I find it amazing that some of the connections between masculinity and being a dad with the body zone of hands and arms included fixing things, holding, carrying, playing, and helping. I love that. That illusion of a mans strong arms embracing a newborn or a small child. It's a beautiful image. I love those photographs of a man, with his strong arms and chest, so carefully and lovingly holding a newborn. It's truely amazing
CHEST & STOMACH
-Image of "ripped" man
-Beer-bellied
-Cradling babies to chest
My Thoughts: The television shows two types of men. The suave ones with ripped abs and amazing pecs and a beautiful "chippendales" body (Think McDreamy and McSteamy). And the fat, stupid, lazy ones (aka the Homer Simpsons). Both do horrible things to self-image of males and are super detrimental. I simply hate media's portrayal of life sometimes. I do love, however, the male cradling of newborns (see above statements). I remember that when preparing to be parents for the first time, hearing or reading about the best way for fathers to bond with their new babies was to lay them naked (with a diaper preferrably) against their shirtless chest. The child learns the comfort of being held by daddy, their heartbeat and sounds of their body, and becomes attached to that scent. I shared this with Jose and remember many times, finding him and Isa together like this. I truely believe that it strengthened their bond. Because of the tough times we were enduring when Teo was born, this happened less frequently and I have witnessed over the last year, the slower pace at which they are bonding and creating their relationship.
THE BACK
-Strength
-"Carry the world on your shoulders"
-Integrity
-Having the ability to follow through
-Piggyback rides
-"Got their back" (their children and family)
My Thoughts: A lot of the back comments were similar to those of the arms - protect, strength, but others came through too. I found it very intriguing that some of the comments came to moral strength as well. And it makes sense. Thinking of it now, it is similar to the cliche of having a "backbone" and doing things that aren't easy. If you take it into principle, it would be doing the right thing no matter what. Doing what needs to be done. In the past, and sometimes now, especially in some blue collar jobs, it could be so much as doing back breaking labor to take care of your family as well.
In concept with the spirit of the fatherhood programs (which is making a change in socialital views of "fathers"), many deadbeat dads aren't having the integrity or following through with the choices they made when they created a child. And it's something that hits me personally to think about. Some of it can go back to how commonplace and accepted it is to be involved in sex despite your situation. Married people commit affairs all the time. Teenagers have sex before they're ready. Adults who are single engage in recreational sex. It's everywhere. And I don't even have room to lecture. I was pregnant before I got married. Granted, it was with the man I married and it was after four years of being together, but it still doesn't necessarily make it right. But no one even questioned it. [And I just realized that I've gone off on a tangent, so I'm going to stop there.]
In discussion afterwards, we asked which area is the most important, and I believe the back was one of them. And I can see why.
THE GENITALS & BUTTOCKS
-The showing of the butt ("saggin' pants")
-"Grow a pair"
-Ability to reproduce
-Pressure of "size matters"
-Question of homosexuality
-Circumcision debate
">My Thoughts: Maybe this is where I should have put my previous rant. :) I learned a lot during this body "zone" as I have different genitalia than the dads in the room (obviously). And it made some things make sense to me.
When Teo was born, I never understood Jose's immediate concern with his "junk." And the comparisons made by other fathers about the size of their sons' stuff. I was busy counting fingers and toes and I felt like everyone else was concerned with his "boy parts." This became much more obvious when we started realizing a problem. Teo had a hydrocele (short version: part of his abdominal cavity hadn't quite closed up and abdominal fluid was collecting in one testicle, causing quite the cosmetic issue. I was concerned about the medical issue, and while Jose was too, he had additional concerns about how it would look. Fortunately, his hydrocele corrected itself shortly, allowing his stuff to return to normal. In mentioning this to the class (I know, poor Teo...everyone is gonna know his business!), they completely understood and expressed it as the desire for their sons to be accepted in the locker room.
They unanimously agreed that boys who develop slower are teased and harrassed and called names, such as "sissy." This led to an additional discussion about how years ago, names like sissy and wimp meant just that, but now, to be weak or less-of-a-man automatically labels boys as gay. Additionally, this causes a lot more boys to question their sexuality at ages when their not even fully developed. Again, a soapbox could develop here, but I deter.
One thing that I learned though, that was sad and interesting to me, was the history of sagging pants. One father has a teenage son, and brought the topic up in regards to this "zone" and I had to ask, because I had never heard of where the fashion trend came from. Basically, what I was told is this: The tradition of wearing pants below the butt came from prison and was a sign from one male to the others that he was okay with being approached for sexual reasons. (That's the nicest way I can put it.) I will remember this if and when (hopefully never) Teo starts to pull his down too far.
And now, the last "zone" of masculinity:
THE LEGS
-Stamina (Working strength)
-Running from responsibility
My Thoughts: While the comments weren't as plentiful, they were so very powerful. The legs on a man are the part that must endure all day, standing, working, walking, driving. They are the strength that allows the entire body to continue on to do its duties no matter what. This can be representative of many things, including the sticking to it attitude that is oftentimes needs. On the negative end, legs can symbolize a man running, running away from his responsibilities, running away from what needs done.
FEEDBACK FROM YOU:
What "zone" of the body do you think of when you think of masculinity? Is there any cliches or standards that you thought about that weren't listed above? What's one thing new or profound that was discussed that you had never thought about?
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