Sorrow

Jose and I had a conversation the other day about life.

Our life is kicking our ass. I don't know a graceful way to say it. We have been hit, right and left, with things that threaten to overcome us.

I told him that I feel this feeling. A deep and longing ache within my chest that I cannot fill. It often threatens to overtake me. It causes my heart to hurt and tears well up in my eyes. And I do not know how to make it go away or how to make it stop.

As I explained it, I said it was like missing someone. It's like I shared this impactful and intensely personal relationship with someone and now, they are gone. It's my God-shaped hole and I know that it will never be satisfied while I am here on earth. It's a sorrow that leaves me yearning to be reunited with my Creator in heaven, yet I know that I must wait upon the Lord and do my best to survive life without being swallowed by the junk that the world throws at me.

Yet, as much as I long for God, there is a part of me that hesitates. I don't connect with Him in the ways that I can because I am afraid. It is the illogical reason that long-distance relationships fail. People don't reach out for connection because the risks are too great and there is a level of reality that prohibits you from being able to touch one another. I cannot feel God and He will not physically embrace me in the ways that I want, so a part of me resists pursuing Him. The fleshly part of me so badly wants to be held tight and comforted as I cry, and since that won't happen, I prefer to keep Him at a safe distance.

So, I am filled with sorrow. And I can only blame myself.