How Quickly We Forget

I randomly began going through photos from last year. Ya know, 2012. It seems so long ago.

Christmas photos. Less than three months ago.

I began sobbing. There are photos in the files on my hard drive that I don't have the heart to post on facebook. Photos of Teo, too thin, sunken cheeks, sick and weak and trying so hard to celebrate with us although his body was revolting.

He is healthy now. But, it was scary for a while there. And, as I look back, I finally feel that fear that I didn't allow myself to experience then. I feel the heartache and pain that I rejected and pushed away. I feel it all now.

And, I am sad and hollow and scared, all over again.

Because three months ago, we were uncertain about what his body was doing. Confused about his kidneys and abnormal test results and possible biopsies. He went from being bloated to a skeleton in days, miserably sick during Christmas celebrations, and then, gained weight back from his medications. It was like a pendulem swing from 45 lbs to 37 and back up to nearly 50. Now, he has finally finished tapering off the steroids, so his weight should begin to go back down.

And yet, we are still uncertain. We still don't know what his body was doing. We still don't understand his kidneys and abnormal test results. We still face possible problems. The risk of relapse is high, the doctor said. It's unknown when or if it will happen.

We still have follow up appointments. So far, nothing but positive news, so it's quickly been forgotten how scary it was. The photos today reminded me of that. Reminded me how suddenly life can shift. Priorities can change. Our futures can be altered.

I'm going to go lay down with my baby boy who is sleeping soundly and give him a few extra kisses before I go to bed myself.