The Future - Month 1

For New Years, I wrote this...however, they were more of goals than resolutions...

We have finished the first month of 2011...and here's where I stand with these goals.
1. I have continued to go to therapy and work on boundaries. I have obtained a borrowed copy of the book, but have yet to open it...can we say February goal? I have been able to draw more lines and say no a little more often.

2. We have been spending at much time as possible with the kids, but it's been a busy month. However, we are trying to read together more, cuddle more, etc. I miss them a lot on the evenings that I work.

3. I am still dealing with my issues. I have blogged a lot more lately to sort through the thoughts. I have also been talking to Jose more and as mentioned above, still doing therapy.

4. We have began the O.W.L. group with some special ladies. I posted about it here. I haven't done the best, but at most, I am at least much more aware of what I am putting into my body now. I have begun to eat breakfast. Have basically cut out all soda other than diet. Am eating much less as far as late night snacks. And of course, I am drinking more water and eating a lot less junk food. There has been a drop in weight so something must be working...

5. As time allows, I have tried to increase my physical activity...I am not to a consistant three times per week yet though...soon. Soon.

6. I've done 15 scrapbook pages in January! The all day scrapping event helped a ton! See the newest pages here. Only 35 more to go to reach my goal...hehe!

7. Since the first week of January, I have been unable to work on cleaning out electronic photos or getting any more printed...I plan to work on them again soon.

8. I still haven't touched my ipod files. If anyone wants to volunteer to organize them all, the project is theirs!

9. The house projects are huge and will take a lot of time. At the first of the year, my dad and Jose got two windows in. Since then, Jose has been stripping and staining the dining room trim. See some photos here. And here.

10. I have become a lot less focused on facebook. It's just not necessary...

11. The house exterior and fence will wait until spring has sprung.

12. I have been going to bed fairly consistantly around 1 AM (or earlier), except on weekends and times when we are kidless, but those nights are different because I am able to sleep in.

13. I have 2 tin orders to complete, a mini mural and a canvas painting. I have also hit 100 followers on heARTworks facebook page! Whoot whoot!
14. I continue to have discussions about affairs and it has definately been laid upon my heart to do more in the form of a website...I am still hoping for a launch date of my wedding anniversary.

15. I finished one book in January. Father Fiction by Donald Miller. I have also read about half of another and have a list of three or so waiting for me. I need to count pages, but I feel accomplished already.

16. Jose and I took a mini-vacation to Columbus, Ohio. It was a renewal kinda thing. You can read about it and see photos here,

17 & 18. Haven't done a darn ditty thing in regards to sewing or knitting...maybe once the dining room is livable, we can find my craft room again...it's kinda buried.

19. Again, doors will wait until at least spring.

20. And, I have been so focused on drinking water that milk is just a pain...but I am focusing on getting more dairy in general, so hopefully in the next few months, we can start working milk in.

One month down, eleven more to go! Now taking bets: Can I do it? If not, which do you think I will complete and which will be deemed as "failures"?

The Fear of Being "Crazy"

I didn't have therapy this week. It was by my choice. The week was already headed towards crazy, so why not space therapy out two weeks and see how it works.

I don't know how it has worked. I miss it. I feel like I need it. I think about things and in my head, ask, "Should I talk to the therapist about this?"

I have a fear. A slight panic inside of me. That I hide my life inside this shell of insanity so that I don't have to think or deal with it. If I can just go through motions and not dive into the dirty, painful parts, does that mean that I am okay? That I am "healed"?

My life has a cyclic element to it. There is always this deep dark time, this feeling as if I am drowning and can't be normal, then this calm. This plateau. This regularity. And that's when I am okay and "healed", except that I always cycle back to the time of being lost and in my personal hell. I am afraid that if I quit now, if I think that I'm doing extraordinarily, and stop working on myself, that I will end up right back there in that...place.

And that place is why I sought help on the first hand. Because I recognized a cycle and I want out of it. It is almost like a looming part of my life..this thing that I cannot escape. I have fought with these demons since I was young and I want to be free. I need to be free, so I try. And I fight. And I need to figure out what they are...

This image is not mine. It's a wallpaper I found online, but it visually represents so well...

How can you fight a creature inside of you if you don't know what exactly it is? You use garlic to ward off vampires, but it does no good on a werewolf? What benefit do I have if I hold garlic in my hand, but the attacking creatures are not vampires.

My therapist and I are working to find this out, I believe. But it is a slow process. And I am afraid that there will be more attacks before I figure out the weapon to defeat them. Maybe scheduling for two weeks was a bad idea...

This is a painting I did when Jose and I first got married. I locked myself in the

bathroom, upset and crying for hours and ended up making this.

Afterthought:

When I was in high school, I wrote a lot, especially poetry. This one explains my life and how I feel sometimes....

Cannot See

I am so afraid of the things I cannot see

They are out there, watching and waiting for me

I’m locked in a closet without a key

It’s so dark in here and I cannot see

I am terrified of the possibilities

The many accidents with many liabilities

Everyone points fingers, full of hostilities

My nightmares are filled with possibilities

The crowd gathers at night to prosecute

Their anger seeks to execute

The world is full of tasty forbidden fruit

That will cause everyone to prosecute

I no longer fear the problem, only the solution

With my imprisonment in an institution

Acting like I could kill them with retribution

Because they don’t seek for a solution

They stare at me with their disdain

I feel like they can see through to the bloodstain

The way they’re treating me is inhumane

Through my cage, I also show my disdain

I fear that this will all end in fatality

Am I condemned for my personality

Or more likely, is it because of my nationality?

In my insanity, I dream for fatality

In front of my audience, I cry in frustration

And I study their faces for an explanation

I am getting tired of being under observation

I no longer feel fear, just exhaustion and frustration

I am humiliated as I am being undressed

And they only ignore me and my last request

With death I am now becoming obsessed

It is killing me to become emotionally undressed

I am awoken every morning at sunrise

And my mind is filled with thoughts that terrorize

I am a spectacle as crews come to televise

And they don’t know how I despise the sunrise

I am no longer afraid of what I cannot see

Because seeing is worse, I guarantee

When in the blackness, they also cannot see me

And I can finally cry when they cannot see