In my prior post, I wrote about consequences. A little bit o' Garden of Eden chat. A little bit of parenting lesson. A whole lotta thinking, remember, brain matter splatter - it's what I do.
I don't remember Jesus hanging on the cross, pointing fingers. "You, Roman soldiers, this is YOUR fault. Mary, I blame YOU. God, YOU are such a jerk. This is so unfair." And honestly, Jesus is the only one who could legitamately blame others. He was blameless and was cruicified. It was unfair and unjust. But, He did it anyways.
Have you ever been in an arguement? Of course you have, unless you're blameless and perfect. Arguements can go one of two ways: (1) Both parties stand firm in their belief that the other person did something wrong and eventually end the arguement by walking away, storming off, going to bed mad, etc. or (2) One person apologizes and accepts blame.
My husband can vouch for this statement: Our arguments are tremendously different since we've learned how to fight in a healthy way. For years, we were only fighting in the first way. "You did this." "You did that, which is why I did it." "How could you do this to me?" "Don't you think about anyone other than yourself?" "You're such an idiot." "You're such an asshole." "I hate you." Yea, it makes me sick to admit that those types of statements were made far too often in our home. Daily almost. And, we never resolved any of it. I'd storm off and leave. Or he would slam the door and go to bed. Or we'd turn on the television and sulk while watching CSI and dreaming of murdering the other person.
Oh, and believe me, I would get sooooo mad when my mom or others would tell me things like "You need to be nicer to him" and "You shouldn't fight so much."
Then, our huge marital catastrophe went down. [Short version: In 2009 when our son was merely months old, my husband had an affair. His girlfriend ended up pregnant. I found out, but really had known within me. We fought and found faith and love that we had never had before. Long version: Read old blog posts.]
Something clicked for me in the aftermath of our mess. I could sit and blame my husband for everything. It was him, afterall, that left night after night, that snuck around, that lied. I was sitting at home, taking care of our kids, or out with friends [girlfriends, to be exact] while he was cheating. He was the idiot that didn't use protection and got her pregnant. I could sit and blame the other chick for it all. She was the one that knew he was married. She could have come talked to me before going out with him. She was the one who went to church regularly. She didn't follow "girl code" or "chicks before dicks" or whatever stupid mentality that it.
However, in it all, I couldn't. Maybe it was how miserable my husband looked. Or how sincere her apologizes were. Maybe some element inside of me broke the cultural and socializations that I had known. All I know is this: I wasn't blameless. I was a bitch to him. I was hateful and spiteful and ugly. I was unkind and unloving. I chose work over home, projects over my marriage, friends over my husband.
Within a week or so of finding out about the affair, I apologized to my husband. And I meant it.
I have a friend who still, to this day, cannot grasp this and I'm certain that there are many who will read this and think that I have lost my mind. I didn't. I found my heart. I found a sense of brutal honesty and lost an element of my pride.
I'm not saying to be a doormat [that's a favorite proverb of mine, by the way] or to admit blame when it's dishonest or to try to avoid conflict. Sometime, it's appropriate to stand up and fight. But, remember, you are not perfect nor blameless in any situation. And when you learn to recognize it, admit it, and truely repent against it [meaning to change your ways], then changes happen in your relationships.
I can't speak for others, but for me, I know this is true: I need to stop putting myself on a pedestal. I suck at life, but I'm trying. I'm trying, but I still suck. When I find myself pointing fingers and passing blame and judging others, I have to step back and look at myself first. It's too easy to look down at people and pinpoint them in their faults. But, when you walk into a conflict taking responsibility for your faults, you'll find that the conflict is much smaller than you thought.
No comments:
Post a Comment