Wrestling with God

I should be doing something productive. But I can't.

Too many thoughts and emotions are threatening to sweep me away in their riptide. I fear drowning in the deep waters of humanity and sin. The tension in my abdomen is signaling anxiety and the ache in my chest is warning of deep sadness. I don't want to ignore them, but I don't know what to do about them either.

Life sucks. And it's okay to say it.

I can't do it. I really can't. There are so many elements that are beyond my control and the standard response is, "I'll just pray about it." But, truthfully, I don't even know how to pray anymore.

When someone is old and fragile and in pain, how do you pray?
When someone is missing and the plausible scenarios include death or torture, how do you pray?
When your child is sick and it's uncertain of what or why, how do you pray?

It isn't a question of how to pray, but what to pray for? There is a battle between what I want and what God's will may be, and it is hard to pray for His will when the answer may be something painful and difficult to endure. It is excruciating to pray for God to do what is necessary for His purpose when it's uncertain what that may bring.

I am terrified to give my life to Him fully.

Everyone in my life has failed my expectations and I know that I am human, so I have flawed expectations, but I am so scared to give God control and then to feel let down and betrayed.

I wish I had a positive way to end this post, but I am afraid that at this moment, I can't.

Life sucks. It sucks because it's not what it is meant to be.

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