I'm A Quitter.

I don't think I would ever be so proud to say those words...I AM A QUITTER.

But, here I am...admitting it to the world. Moreso that simply admitting it, I'm proud of it. I'm willing to scream it from the rooftops. I'm wanting to tell every single person that I pass on the streets. Yet, I haven't told people yet.

I made the decision that this time, I wasn't going to share it. In the past, when I told people, the reaction was adverse, to say the least. It didn't help me and the people were not supportive in the way that I wanted them to be. So, instead, this time, I just decided that I was going to do it. Alone. For myself. And, I have.

I have been ready to be a quitter for a long time now. I really never expected it to go this far. And, I grew to have a self-loathing about myself for it. I reached a point where I hated it. I hated everything about it, but yet, there I was, doing it again and again and again. And that caused me to hate me. But yet, I didn't stop. I couldn't stop.

There have been many times that I said I was going to stop. Or even that I tried to stop and quit quitting (does that make me a double quitter?). But, I never did. I kept doing it.

What makes this time different? I don't know. I just want to be different. I'm ready for serious changes, including serious health changes. And I just couldn't make myself understand how I could be healthy, lose weight, and work out, while continuing to do it.

So, I finally quit. Yes, I quit smoking.

A week ago, I took my last puffs on a cigarette. And I quit.

Cold turkey. No gum. No patches. No licorice sticks. Just quit. And I'm done with it. I pray and pray for the strength to be done forever. To forever be a quitter.

I had reached a point where I would take the cigarette out of the pack and just hold it for a half hour before smoking it, because I wanted to feel it, but not actually smoke it. I had reached a point where immediately after smoking, I would drink a glass of water because I hated the way my mouth felt and tasted. I had reached a point where I would sit outside while I smoked, thinking of how much I hated it and praying for God to help me quit.

I have smoked for nearly half of my life. That thought scared me. When I thought about it, I hated the idea that soon, I would be smoking for more than half of my life. So, now, the number will become a smaller fraction. I will celebrate when I can say that I only smoked for a quarter of my life (although that means I will be over 40 years old, so I'm not sure it'll be all celebration...lol!).

My kids have never known me as a non-smoker. Even while I was pregnant, I cut down, but never quit. I hated myself for that. To be truthful, Jose has never known me as a nonsmoker either. I smoked when we met and I continued to do so. When he'd argue with me and ask me to quit, I was always quick to answer that he knew I was a smoker when we met, when we began dating, and when we got married.

I spent two years of my life teaching kids to say no to tobacco, and then, I'd leave and smoke a cigarette. It was hypocritical, but it was a job, and knowing the fight that I had with smoking, I was passionate to tell as many kids as possible to not do it. I helped get our city to have a smoking ban and not allow smoking in public places. I firmly believed in that then and I still do now. Smoking is a personal and private thing and should not be forced upon others.

I sincerely thought I was going to smoke until I died. I know that there is still a ton of health problems that may arise from it. I also know that simply by quitting, I have made huge steps to changing that outcome. And I pray that God gives me strength to continue to live a more healthy, active lifestyle to make my chance of a long, healthy life better.

So, yes. I am a QUITTER! And I am damn proud of it!