I'm A Quitter.

I don't think I would ever be so proud to say those words...I AM A QUITTER.

But, here I am...admitting it to the world. Moreso that simply admitting it, I'm proud of it. I'm willing to scream it from the rooftops. I'm wanting to tell every single person that I pass on the streets. Yet, I haven't told people yet.

I made the decision that this time, I wasn't going to share it. In the past, when I told people, the reaction was adverse, to say the least. It didn't help me and the people were not supportive in the way that I wanted them to be. So, instead, this time, I just decided that I was going to do it. Alone. For myself. And, I have.

I have been ready to be a quitter for a long time now. I really never expected it to go this far. And, I grew to have a self-loathing about myself for it. I reached a point where I hated it. I hated everything about it, but yet, there I was, doing it again and again and again. And that caused me to hate me. But yet, I didn't stop. I couldn't stop.

There have been many times that I said I was going to stop. Or even that I tried to stop and quit quitting (does that make me a double quitter?). But, I never did. I kept doing it.

What makes this time different? I don't know. I just want to be different. I'm ready for serious changes, including serious health changes. And I just couldn't make myself understand how I could be healthy, lose weight, and work out, while continuing to do it.

So, I finally quit. Yes, I quit smoking.

A week ago, I took my last puffs on a cigarette. And I quit.

Cold turkey. No gum. No patches. No licorice sticks. Just quit. And I'm done with it. I pray and pray for the strength to be done forever. To forever be a quitter.

I had reached a point where I would take the cigarette out of the pack and just hold it for a half hour before smoking it, because I wanted to feel it, but not actually smoke it. I had reached a point where immediately after smoking, I would drink a glass of water because I hated the way my mouth felt and tasted. I had reached a point where I would sit outside while I smoked, thinking of how much I hated it and praying for God to help me quit.

I have smoked for nearly half of my life. That thought scared me. When I thought about it, I hated the idea that soon, I would be smoking for more than half of my life. So, now, the number will become a smaller fraction. I will celebrate when I can say that I only smoked for a quarter of my life (although that means I will be over 40 years old, so I'm not sure it'll be all celebration...lol!).

My kids have never known me as a non-smoker. Even while I was pregnant, I cut down, but never quit. I hated myself for that. To be truthful, Jose has never known me as a nonsmoker either. I smoked when we met and I continued to do so. When he'd argue with me and ask me to quit, I was always quick to answer that he knew I was a smoker when we met, when we began dating, and when we got married.

I spent two years of my life teaching kids to say no to tobacco, and then, I'd leave and smoke a cigarette. It was hypocritical, but it was a job, and knowing the fight that I had with smoking, I was passionate to tell as many kids as possible to not do it. I helped get our city to have a smoking ban and not allow smoking in public places. I firmly believed in that then and I still do now. Smoking is a personal and private thing and should not be forced upon others.

I sincerely thought I was going to smoke until I died. I know that there is still a ton of health problems that may arise from it. I also know that simply by quitting, I have made huge steps to changing that outcome. And I pray that God gives me strength to continue to live a more healthy, active lifestyle to make my chance of a long, healthy life better.

So, yes. I am a QUITTER! And I am damn proud of it!

I Feel Good.

A week and a half ago, we went to Wisconsin for my father-in-law's wedding. As we were waiting for the reception to begin, we were chatting with some of my husband's family...

...and his aunt asked me when I was due.

I was shocked. I had no clue what to do. I think I handled it well enough, even though it stabbed me to the core. I basically said I wasn't pregnant, patted my belly, and said that my baby was next to me as I patted Teo's head.

Then, I texted a friend and shared my pain. Because, it was painful. To know that my son is over 2 years old and I look pregnant. To know that the "baby weight" that I have gained over the last 6 years or so is still there and growing. To know that I could afford to lose 100+ pounds. To know that I have let go and not really cared enough to do anything about it. To know that my self control sucks. And that was my final straw.

I am only 26. I can change these habits. I want to look back at my life now and know that these years were the worst years of my life in regards to health. So, the journey has began.

That day in Wisconsin, I knew something needed to change. I wasn't sure how to begin, so vowed that once I returned from the conference in Ohio, I would really begin to make a change. I got home on Sunday. Today is Wednesday. There have been some major changes made and I feel really good about my life. I have joined Sparkpeople.com and will be keeping a health blog there, along with food and excercise tracking. I'm not making a ton of huge changes at the start of it...but making small changes, bit by bit...with hope that they become long term and permenant changes.

Tonight, a friend and I did another night of trekking the neighborhood. Over three miles and tonight we stretched our limits and jogged off and on too. I've been trying to watch my food intake and eating more fresh fruits and veggies and less starches.

Let's see if I can stick to this...I hope so. I feel so good, healthwise, and can't wait to feel even better!