Unrest and Discontent

I know that this is an issue inside of me. A Carla thing that needs fixed. But it sucks.

I have this need for approval and acceptance. I think it stems from some of the stuff I took in as a kid, where I felt as if disapproval was a sign that I was a failure. People don't disapprove of things that are good and proper. People don't dislike things that should be liked. And when I was a kid, maybe it was true.

But as an adult, situations get much harder. And recently, I have pissed off upset a lot handful of people. But try as I might, I can't determine why it bothers me so much. Other than it's this thing inside of me that feels like I need to be accepted.

Then we get to boundaries. Oh, dear boundaries. I feel the urge to apologize to these people, but try as I might, I'm not really sorry for the things that occurred. I'm sorry for various circumstances and maybe some of the things that happened, but on the whole, I don't see my fault. So, I get the gut feeling when I think about apologizing for what I did. That feeling of being pushed to the edge of a cliff. And then, I ask myself, if I have to apologize and I'm not truely sorry, do I want a relationship built on that? Or is that just begging for more problems?

So I let it go. For awhile. But then, sometimes, it creeps back. And I feel like drudge for it. Because I still have some stupid voice inside of me that says that being a Christian means that people aren't mad at me. And it's stupid. And in my head, I know that it's stupid. But tell that to those things that I internalized as a young kid.

I wish I knew how to let it go for good.

[Disclaimer: This is about three or so situations in general. Most of the time, I really screw up and I am more than willing to apologize and move forward with the relationship. But these in particular, are very very complicated.]

Sometimes, I wonder if it'd just be easier to move somewhere far away and just start over, brand new. Like self-proclaimed witness protection. Which probably wouldn't be so bad since Jose has developed a fear when we are in public that someone is going to mistake him for his brother and kill him....

Ugh.