I Must Take Action

This post is going to be very blunt, while remaining vague. Very personal, while remaining open. Very hard to write and most likely, will be typed through many tears.

In my life, I have seen heartbreak. I have felt heartbreak. I have lived through heartbreak. But in every situation I have ever encountered in the past, there has been a way of overcoming the pain. There has been a plan or a wall built, but whenever I think of building a wall now, my gut twists up and I know that I cannot. That if I don't stick to this, fight against this thing, that there is the chance that no one will.

I sit and weigh it out, like dropping pennies on a scale. This goes here. That goes there. A pro. A con. A thought. A teardrop. And, the scale fails to tip one direction or the other, which makes it even more difficult for me to determine what to do about this situation.

First and foremost, it's not about me. Or you. Or you. It's about something else entirely. And my personal feelings are removed from it as much as humanly possible. I can be screamed at and put down and torn apart, but it will not change what my heart is saying. But, what my heart is saying is hard to do. What my heart is saying is it's own entity that is pulling me in different directions. My own emotions, feelings, instincts are betraying me and that is what causes me the most concern.

I am put in a place where there is no path whatsoever. There is no guide for me to follow, no manual written on what to do. There is no clear cut way for this to happen. And, that is scary. That is my primary fear, that once this thing is put into motion, there is no going back. Words cannot be erased.

I feel like I am forging a new path in life with different things and no one that I reach out to knows which way I should go. No one can offer strong words of guidance. And like so many other things, there is no right and wrong, no proper and improper way to do this.

And people will be hurt. But, should I be concerned with my decisions hurting people when their choices brought about my actions? That's unclear and hard to follow. I know. Like I said, sorting thoughts, not making sense. I need to sort thoughts, and I know what's going on, I know what choices I am having to make.

My boundaries are being tested to the extremes here. I am scared to act. But I am scared to not act. I don't like the decisions that I am having to make, but I have not put myself in the position to have to make the decisions...they have put me here. Maybe this is part of the process, the building boundaries process, because the lack of boundaries before has gotten me so involved that it's harder than ever to put these walls together piece by piece. I need them to just be there. I don't want to build them. I just want them to appear. But, it's like the three pigs. The house that took the most resources, time, money, effort...the house made out of brick, that's the one that made it through the huffing and puffing of the big bad wolf. If I take the easy road, my boundaries will crumble and fall whenever they are pressed against. Maybe I need to go through this to make them stronger...maybe.

Either way, my heart breaks for those who are innocent and hurting. For those who are not at fault, but who will be impacted by this and not knowing the outcomes, not knowing the ultimate impact is the hardest. I have prayed and prayed about the situation for months and months now, knowing that sooner or later, I would be called to do more than pray. And now, I must act.