A Mental Chiropractic Visit: Re-Aligning My Thoughts

Often, I take my husband for granted. I am strong enough to admit that. And, while I admit it freely, I hate it. I hate that I think that I am so deserving that I take him for granted. Because, I don't deserve him. Yes, with everything that we have been through and knowing that he cheated on me, I don't deserve him.

Jose and I, Christmas 2005

No one deserves to have another person in their life.

We are such a egotistical society that we believe that we deserve things. If someone makes an error with a meal at a restaurant, we deserve to walk away without paying. If we do a good job at work, we deserve a raise. If we are a human being, we deserve to have a partner to spend our life with.

Jose and I, Myrtle Beach, Summer of 2008.

It is something that I need to constantly remind myself of, but I do not deserve what I have. I do not deserve my home. I do not deserve to have two cars. I do not deserve to have a job. I do not deserve my children. I do not deserve my husband. But, I have been blessed with them. And because God has granted me such blessings, it is my responsibilty to take care of them and respect them.

Lately, with all the mess in my head, I have neglected my husband.

In the last few months, I have gotten so wrapped up in helping my friends through their lives (which serves as a distraction for me, but that's a whole different blog), that I have put my husband, subconsciously, at the bottom of my priority list.

Jose and I, new homeowners, Summer of 2007

And while my life is functioning and seemingly well, my priorities need rearranged.

After a conversation with a wonderful friend last night, my eyes were opened to the possibility that one of the problems in my marriage was that I have hurt my husband. That he was feeling neglected and left in the background of my life. And as I thought about it, it seemed ludacris. He never says anything about it, so of course that's not a problem.

But I came home last night and sat down to talk to him, and looking at him (not just a quick glance that usually occurs, but looking, really looking at him), I saw a young man who has grown immensely, but who has been ignored. A man who I love and fear at the same time. A man who has endured more in his lifetime than many people have gone through by their death at an old age. I saw the man that I married, that has been at my side during the birth of two children, and a man that I do not look at often enough. A man that I do not talk to nearly enough. And a man that is hurt.

I blurted out, "I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry." Then I started to cry.

He looked at me like I had grown two heads. And he asked, "Why?" So I explained. And he quickly dismissed my apology and my explaination that I have put my friends and sometimes, near strangers, before him. But I knew he was lying, so I asked if it bothered him.

Sheepishly, he admitted. "A little bit." I told him to be entirely honest. He said yes, it was a problem. I made him say it: "It is not okay that you put your friends before me." And I agree.

I never committed my life to my friends. I have not created a family with my friends. And, although I love my friends, I cannot let my marriage fail because I am helping them through their problems.

Jose and I. Being cool like we are. Fall of 2010.

One Sunday, my pastor and his friend, another pastor, were co-preaching. His friend, Matt, said something that stood out to me. [I am totally putting this into my own words and paraphrasing here.] He said that there is a line between generosity and stupidity. It is generous to give excess to charity, to tithe, to serve in a way that does not leave you in need. But, it is stupid to give your entire paycheck to charity when you have bills due. It is stupid to tithe all of your income. And it is stupid to serve and leave yourself empty.

I was serving on empty. [Again, an entirely different blog topic.]

And worse yet, I was seeking out people that I didn't even know in an effort to serve when there are people in my own home that I need to love. My priorities have been wrong.

So, in an effort to apologize, as well as an attempt to rekindle some of the romance and relationship that we had at one time, we are making our escape. A weekend escape that is.

Jose and I. Fourth anniversary weekend. May 2009.

I spent the night making reservations and plans and while the husband knows we are going somewhere, he does not know where. It will be a weekend with no kids, no laptop, no phones. There will be no hidden agenda, other than spending time together. I have planned things that I know he would enjoy (at least, I hope he will enjoy them) and not thinking about what I want to do. And, despite planning the entire weekend around him, I am giddy. I am excited. I am ready to go.

So, if you need to rethink your priorities, I encourage you to do so. Is there someone or something that you have put on the backburner that should really be a necessity?

And more importantly, is there someone or something that you have taken for granted or something that you have put into that "I deserve it" category that needs to be rethought? Take a moment to re-align some of your thinking and see what the new perspective means to you.

Jose and I. Summer of 2006.