In short, Father Fiction, written by Donald Miller, is a memoir style book with chapters that are basically independent of one another (meaning that you can pick it up, read any chapter, and walk away) that has a wonderfully easy way of reading. It's like engaging in a conversation with the author. And he opens up and shares many pieces of his life and his lessons learned in a beautifully poetic manner.
The book focuses on Donald's life, growing up without a father, and how that affected him throughout childhood and now, as an adult. It's something that I think many people without fathers (or without strong, positive fathers) can relate to. And it is also a read that I think many people, in general, despite their father situation can connect with.
And now, the first chapter. "The Replacements: We've Got Men On The Ground"
Who in your life, growing up, became a father to you? Did you have a real dad at home? A step-dad? Did you spend a lot of time with friends and you "adopted" their fathers in some regards? Who was the man figure in your life and what did he show you about manhood?
I had a dad in my life. Not the best, but he was around. I love him dearly, but it is safe to say, he left me quite damaged. The modeling that I saw from him was not the best to shape me and my future. Learning from my dad, life is a party. Committment to women is an option. Work is an addiction. Alcohol is a necessity.
As a small child, my grandparents played a huge role in my life. I essentially lived at their house for quite awhile. My grandpa was a strong male in my early life. He was generally quiet, but would tell stories and jokes for hours. His laugh warmed your heart. He was retired so he spent most of his time at the kitchen table or at his recliner. He taught me how to relax. He taught me some of life's basic skills. I learned how to eat grapefruit from him, and he and I played cards for hours. I used to ride his mower around and around and around the yard. He taught me honor - he was a veteran with a purple heart. And, although he had no intentions to, he taught me how to care. As I got older, he developed alheizmers and he passed away when I was in college, a year before Isa was born.
With my grandparents, I had two uncles that were never married, so they lived there too. These two men taught me so much. They are pranksters, and I learned to take nothing serious. They taught me to fix cars and build snowmen. My uncles have always been the ones who allowed me to feel safe. When they wrap their arms around me, my world has no fear. When our home was burglarized at a young age, they went with my mom to make sure it was empty. They threated my husband the day we got married. They were also the ones with tears in their eyes. And, to this day, I know that if we have a problem with a car or the house, if we need help with the kids, they will be there.
When I was six, my mom remarried and I gained a stepdad. He was quiet, rugged. I knew he loved me, but we didn't talk much. From him, I learned that nature is beautiful. Respect for women can happen. Hobbies are important. Talking is not.
I had many other men in my life who taught me things. Real men. TV men. Teachers. Mentors. Friends' fathers. I have picked and chosen what to take from each man.
Donald Miller, in this book, talks about his "fathers" from Bill Cosby to his friend, Tom's dad to a teenage kid down the street that took him to a father-son Boy Scout trip. Then, he talks about this man named David who was a youth minister. He talks about how David encouraged him to pursue writing at a time when he could have easily gotten into drugs and stealing.
At the end of the chapter, he states, "People assume when you're swimming in a river you are supposed to know which way you are going, and I guess some of the time that is true, but there are certain currents that are very strong, and it's when we are in those currents we need somebody to come along, pull us out, and guide us in a safer direction."
A common discussion in psychology classes is "nature vs. nurture" - are we, as human beings, formed by nature? Or are we creatures of our environment and nurturing? Generally, the answer that comes up is some combination of both. (Leave it to the psychology people to make a gray area.)
When thinking of fatherhood, though, I am certain that this is true. Later in the book, the author touches on what makes a man and his struggle for this through his life. The arguement can be made for a variety of characteristics making a man, but what truely is it? (I'll leave this discussion for that chapter!) However, as a child without a strong father figure, how do you learn about life?
It's true. Mothers are wonderful beings and can take up many of the tasks. A mother can teach mechanics and home repair stuff to boys A mother can talk to them about sex and show them how to fish. A mother can fill in many roles, expect one: a mother cannot demonstrate how to behave like a man in the family. A mother cannot teach a son how to be a good father and a good husband.
I look at my husband, at our marriage.
I never had a great marriage demonstrated to me. The best I had was that from my mom and my stepdad, but it still had flaws. My husband never had a great marriage demonstrated to him. His parents were divorced when he was very young. His dad left the family and got remarried, got a new family. His mom proceeded to have various boyfriends and husbands, but no one stable and nurturing for the kids. The most care he recieved was from his older brothers, who cooked, got jobs to help provide, or even one who joined a gang and sold drugs to make sure food was on the table.
I was older before I realized what it meant to honor and cherish a husband. My husband never had a man deomonstrate how to honor and cherish a wife. We are "winging it" sometimes. I think through and wonder what our marriage would look like if we both came from intact families?
And there is parenting. I had a wonderful model of mothering taught to me. But my husband did not have the best model of mothering or fathering. He saw a single mom, working long hours trying to provide. He has five brothers and sisters and all of them tend to have the "fend for ourselves" mentality. They saw a variety of parenting techniques, none of which were productive or stable. And, now, my husband is trying to learn how being a father should look...how to love a child unconditionally, how to discipline with love, how to be consistant, etc. without a solid role model.
So, if we cannot get biological fathers to step-up in the lives of every child, we need to encourage men to step-in. "It takes a village to raise a child." So true.
Here's the challenge. Look at the kids in your life. Do any of them need a man that they can depend on? Do they need a solid, loving father figure to guide them? If so, (men) can you make it a goal to step-in for that child? (Women, can you speak to men around you and encourage them to step-in to the life of that kid?) Can you dedicate your time to helping him/her to grow up to become a fully-functioning contribution to society? Can you invite him/her into your heart and be there for years to come? Can you imagine what a difference this may make in the life of a child, if every man stepped up and stepped in?
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