Feeling Needed: What Fatherless Kids May Be Missing

I'm going to break the next chapter into at least two segments.

As I re-read Father Fiction by Donald Miller, I am reminded of the void that is left in children when they are growing up in broken homes. In Chapter 4 titled "Belonging: What the Eisenhowers Knew," Donald Miller reflects upon a book he read by Dwight D. Eisenhower. Through reading, Donald saw that through his life, Eisenhower caused a lot of trouble, but despite it all, had a sense of confidence and a frame of mind that the world needed him. Eisenhower felt that if he didn't exist, the world would not be the same and he gained this sense from his parents. His parents believed that "the world could be fixed of its problems if every child understood the necessity of their existance" and taught their kids that if they were not there, their family would not function.

When you were growing up, what sense was instilled upon you about how important you were to your family, to the world?

If you were taught that your existance was a necessity and that if you failed to exist that everything would fall apart, can you imagine how you would have felt being told that you didn't matter, that you being alive has no impact on the world?

If you were raised to think that you were meager and meaningless to the larger picture, that things would go on perfectly if you did not exist, can you fathom the impact of being taught that your existance was a necessity to your family and the world at large?

And it goes beyond being told. How many times have I told my kids that I need them, that I love them, that I do not know what I would do without them? But then, what does my behavior reflect? What are my unspoken actions telling them?

Let's take this one step further...if you are being told that the world needs you, but your father walks off and leaves you, how would that impact your view upon yourself? With the exception of circumstances like death, it would cause you to doubt and not believe what you are being told, because if you were needed, he wouldn't have left.

We can tell these kids all day long that they are important, that they are a necessity, that they will change the world, but telling them will never replace having that sense of need coming from two parents.

I want to leave you with this excerpt from the chapter by Donald Miller:

"You can't blame a kid for feeling unwanted if his father takes off. If you think about it, God gives a father a specific instinct that makes him love his kid more than anything in the world. I suppose that the same instinct was floating around in my father's brain too, but for whatever reason, he took a look at me and split. Even the instinct God gave him wasn't strong enough to make my dad stay. And that has made me feel, at times, there is this detestable person living within my skin who makes people feel as though they must carry me on their backs. Walking through the park one night, I realized I was operating out of a feeling of inferiority. Deep inside, I believed life was for other people - that joy was for others, and responsibility was for others, and so on and so on. In life, there were people who were meant to live and people who were accidentally born, elected to plod the globe as the despised.

"These thoughts are illogical, I realize. There isn't any proof that a guy who grows up in a family with a good dad is any better than a guy who grows up in a family with a bad one. Still, a logical argument isn't able to change the heart. My mind knew there was nothing wrong with me - that the problem was the message my father handed down - but this knowledge didn't make me feel any more secure."