Sometimes, I Just Don't Understand

People.

Even after recieving a B.A. in Psychology, I still don't understand them. Maybe, I should go for my Masters just so I'm no longer so baffled by their actions.

And as much as I try to psycho-analyze myself, I am still sometimes unable to even understand myself. Why I do certain things and react in certain ways.

It always breaks my heart when people say that they give up on relationships. They are so beautiful. Well, they can be. I have been in the situation a hundred million times where I want to give up on relationships, because giving up on relationships means un-investing my heart, and that allows me to feel less pain.

Less pain when hurtful words are exchanged.

Less pain when accusations are made.

Less pain when knives are thrown.

When you walk away from someone before they can walk away from you, that gives you the power, right? That gives you the upper-hand. The ability to hurt before being hurt.

"You can only fight with a person when they are willing to get in the ring with you." (This statement JUST came out in a preview that is on my television. Weird.)

So, by becoming un-involved, you can avoid the fight. You can avoid the pain that comes from loving someone. You can walk away from the feeling of loving more than you are being loved.

God, I am so sorry. Often, when I reflect on relationships, it comes back to my relationship with my Creator. How much He loves us. How often we hurt Him. How many times has He given me an over abundance of love, only for me to give Him just a piece. And how does He respond? With more love. With more kindness. With more patience.

So, when I think of quitting. Quitting love. Quitting friendships and relationships and walking away from family, I need to think of Him. His sacrifice. His love.

And I need to love harder. Love stronger. Love when I am told to love no more.

Even when it hurts.