When Jose and I started to have a lot of problems, even before the affair, we could see a common issue in the lack of communication. More specifically, the lack of good communication. We would fight a lot and rarely said good things or recognized when things were right. So, one day, I created this jar. At first, it was a large pickle jar that had remanants of the wrapper still around it. I cut colored slips of paper and set them next to the jar. One color was for good comments and praises, the other was for negative comments or complaints.
The concept was this: there are many small things that I see that I would love to say thank you for, but I'm often too busy or Jose's busy. On the flip side, there are many things that irritate me about him that I want to address, but not make an arguement out of. And, often, I recognize those things in the midst of an arguement.
So, the Jar of Love was born. When small things happen that we want to give praise about, we scribble it down and into the jar it goes. Often, things are written, such as "Thank you for making coffee. It's really nice to wake up and have it already brewed." or "Thanks for waking up with Teo all five times last night. I noticed." or "You did a wonderful job cleaning the back yard." Similarly, when there are small things that are frustrating, they also get scribbled down and into the jar. Things like, "I hate how you leave the dirty dishes on the counter when the sink is three feet away." or "I tripped over your shoes. Again." or "Sometimes, I think you're too pushy with the kids." In a weird way, just writing it down, knowing that you'll have the opportunity to discuss it in the near future, helps and you're less angry.
All are dated, at least with a month and year.
After the affair, I threw every single slip of paper into the trash. I couldn't bear to see the "I love what a great wife you are" with the date of April 2009, knowing full well that as he wrote it, he was sleeping with someone else.
Since then, we have kept the slips. They are still in the jar.
The jar has its on and off moments. There will be a span of time when we use it all the time. Then we'll stop for awhile.
When we went to marriage counseling, we told our therapist about it. He suggested a few more "rules" about the Jar of Love. And then he asked permission to share it with his other clients. (Of course, we agreed.)
Since then, we have made the rule that if you put in a negative comment, you should also put in a positive one. It's like the rule that some bosses use about evaluating staff: tell the the good things about their performance first, then drop the bomb.
Strangely, it works. When you recieve two compliments and then a complaint, you're less angry and defensive. We speak calmly about the problems that arise out of the Jar and come to conclusions. We make solutions. We are able to see that the small things are being recognized and work harder to do more. We resolve problems and are able to do so without the screaming matches, which honestly don't resolve much of anything.
It's been awhile since we've used the Jar....maybe I'll write a few slips tonight. :)
5 comments:
Thank You for being so open. As someone who has been through multiple affairs, it can be lonely. I often felt isolated. I didn't want to be with friends or family and have to pretend everything was okay. To this day, most people don't know.
April, don't feel isolated. I vowed to not be silent, and not in a way to be mean to my husband, but because I knew it would kill me to suffer in silence. Since day one, I have openly discussed it with friends and family, and even near strangers. Our life has changed so much by the affair, because of the affair, that it is our testimony. It is what has allowed us to flourish in a life that God wanted us to have. Yea, it sucks that it took something so massive, so painful, so messy, to open our eyes, but it is what it is. If you ever need to talk, my "door" is always open. carlasue476@hotmail.com is my email. check it nearly every day.
I love love love this Carla. It's absolutly inspired, and with your permission, I might swipe it. You know my story and you know that I crave the communication that this would bring to the table. In fact, Amos and I often refer to our "love banks". A book we once read together suggested that every transaction you have with your lover either inspires a "deposit" or a "withdrawl" to or from the "love bank" which is basically your emotional reaction to one another. So occasionally we will ask... How's my love bank doing? And we have a chance to talk about it. This concept marries the idea of an emotional love bank to a physical one and I love it!
Thanks for your honesty Carla, I had no idea that you had gone through this... my best friend had an extremely difficult 6-8 months this year at least, her husband was talking to his ex wife and didn't see the problem with it... and ended up leaving for 3-4 months to stay with his mom (conveniently enough 3 1/2 hours away from his family and 5 minutes from his ex) I'd like to share this with my friend, if you don't mind... support is always good to come by and have! :)
Esther, yes! Use it. Steal it. Modify it so that it works for you and Amos. I love the metaphor of "love banks"! And Christina, feel free to share my blog and contact info with your friend. Its a hard path to walk down and she is not alone. I would love to share stories with her and hopefully be able to give her hope. <3 both of you ladies!
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