The Dream: Details of What Disrupted my Night

Last night, I had a dream that came from nowhere. And ended just as suddenly. It woke me from a dead sleep and I had a hard time falling back asleep (although obviously the kids both waking up as if it were 9 AM didn't help). But it burned into my mind and I wonder, still, 12 hours later, what it was all about.

I was home and the other chick came in, carrying the baby in a car seat. She emptied her arms, including the baby, and went back outside. I followed to see what was going on, and she went to get more things and took them into the house to leave them. I walked across the yard, towards the road where they were parked. It was not only the other chick, but standing around the car was a guy, and there were two toddlers running around.

Despite the fact that I had no understanding what was going on when she first walked into the house, by this time, I somehow knew that we were babysitting Jose's daughter. Only, it was seen as strictly babysitting.

I didn't feel anger or fear. I approached her and reached out for her arm. She allowed me to pull her towards me to talk. I leaned in to hug her, but she pulled away, saying she wasn't ready for that. I told her that I was glad she opened up a little and that even if we present ourselves as just friends of the family, I was glad that she was allowing Jose to know Sophia. She shrugged. I tried to talk to her, but she seemed to be in another place. She told me that we would be babysitting until Monday. In my dream, it was Friday.

I turned to the guy with her and hugged him. I think it surprised him, and I didn't know him, but I told him that it meant a lot to know that Sophia had a father figure. He said it was his pleasure. I assumed that the two kids romping around my yard were his.

I tried to hug the other chick again, and she limply allowed me. I wanted to talk, but the dream started to quickly fade away and my brain started racing.

I woke up realizing that my heart was racing and I was breathing shallowly. I was scared, but didn't want the fear to make things worse, so in my dream, I went ahead and reached out, through my personal pain.

There are so many depths to it all, far beyond what I could explain from my dream itself.

I need to remember that she is a person. A living, breathing, emotional being. She is not my scapegoat or my voodoo doll. She has pain and hurt and makes mistakes too. Hugging her, reaching out to grab her wrist, in my dream, was my way of solidifying that thought.

In the dream, there was a step taken that moved us from the potential place of anxiety about interraction, towards civility. I doubt we could ever be friends. I would need a lot of medication and therapy for that. But, before the affair, I really liked her. We weren't the best of friends, but she and I are a lot alike. And we got along wonderfully when we did see each other. I got her back into contact with Jose after they lost touch. If I never did that, there may never have been an affair. Even after the affair, I made contact with her to sort out the mess in my mind. She willingly came to the house to speak with Jose and I the day I was told about the affair and the baby. We talked a long time. Later that week, I asked her to meet me at the park to talk. We talked for hours. At that time, she knew my husband better than I did. He turned to her with his pain and his emotions. I needed her to share it with me. After that, things got emotional. Once my shock wore off, I got mad. She tried to control things that I didn't want her to control. There was a scene at the park. And then the texts and phone calls got ugly for awhile. The last time we ever saw or spoke to her was when the paternity test was done. But, at one time, I really liked her. Before it all. The dream reminded me of that.

In my dream, I didn't see the baby. I didn't even take the time to stop and look at her. In some of my most anxious times, I wonder if she looks like Isa when she was little. It scares me somehow. To think that this other chick holds a piece of my husband in her arms everyday. But in my dream, the baby didn't matter. I was grateful for Jose to have the opportunity to know her, even if it was never said that he was her dad. In the dream, he never came outside with us. He stayed inside, with Sophia.

I am amazed by how perfectly my subconscious remembered the other chick. I can see the details of her face, feel the hug, even now from my dream. Everything else was askew in typical dreamlike fashion. Our yard wasn't the right size. Her car wasn't her car. The house wasn't the right shape. But there she was, just like reality.

I felt genuine relief in my dream to see a guy there, with her. A guy that in my dream was not a quick boyfriend but was a real solid aspect of Sophia's life. It lifted a weight from my heart and I can only hope and pray that in real life, there is such a man. A man who will step up and father her, despite the fact that her blood is not his own. I have known many good men and women step into that role and it is amazing.

It makes me wonder, where do we go from here?