The Drink:
I order diet. We have made the change in our house from regular soda to diet soda. Once you get used to it, you cannot taste a difference, and at some point, you realize that you don't even like to drink regular anymore. I have re-developed my love for music. It's in a different dynamic than before. I no longer desire to have hateful or hurtful music fill my ears. I no longer want to be filled with lyrics that are full of violence. I listen to the words and want to hear things that fill my heart. To hear music that resonates, not only with my sense of rhythm, but with my life and my choices for my life. I could always sense a difference between positive and negative music. The feelings that arise inside of me when I listen to it. And now, I am to a point where I don't even like the negative music anymore.
The Salad:
When I eat salad, it's nothing extravagant. If I fill it up with a bunch of toppings, it's too much and I do not have room for my main meal. So, I keep it simple: lettuce, dressing, a couple croutons and maybe some cheese. I have decided that simplicity is what I need for survival. I am fed up with the "need" for stuff. Things. Money. Value. We strive to have things. We thrive to have stuff. I have reached the end of my desire for the worldly posessions. Looking at where my life was when I accumulated this stuff, I can see why it may be better to have none. Yes, we will keep belongings, but I am done with the clutter. If it has sat, unused for a given amount of time, it's gone. I will sell it on craigslist or give it away on freecycle or pass it along to friends or leave it at the curb. I just do not need these objects that mean nothing to me making my life more messy. We have slowly de-cluttered and simplified our living room. It is amazing to me how much more calming it is. Yes, we have kids, so on many days, there are shoes here and toys there, but they have a place and when we clean up, it is quick and painless. I want this for my entire house. My entire life.
The Main Course:
The meat and potatoes. When living in a home where my husband does most of the cooking, we almost always have some sort of meat and potatoes. But it's filling and it's overall nutritious and it never gets old. People have been eating meat and potatoes as a meal for generations. People have been serving one another in the name of Christ for generations.
With my job, I step into people's lives. Sometimes they ask, sometimes I offer. Many times, neither of us get what we bargained for. I have developed this thirst for serving people, helping people, loving people. I have this thirst that cannot be quenched, and God sees this. He continues to give me more challenges, more families and people to serve, more love to give. It's phenomenal to see that when you love one person, it's hard. When you love five people, it becomes a little easier. When you open up your arms and love everyone (or try to) and welcome people into your life, come what may, the reward is more amazing that just assisting someone. My heart feels so full. When I closed up my life, when I was closed off to God and didn't care, I felt so empty. So alone. And everyday, every interaction was a struggle, a difficulty that I didn't want to do. But...
The Interruption:
Whenever we eat dinner, there is always at least one interruption - whether Isa spills something and needs a napkin or Teo throws his fork across the dining room or someone is at the door or Jose needs a refill of his drink...no matter what, it's unexpected and can be stressful, but we must take a moment to be thankful for even those small things because that means we are alive. Jose just returned home with the kids. First thing that Teo did was hit the power button on my laptop. How do kids know these things? Of the 100 buttons on the keyboard, he always hits the power button. I had a minor freak out, worried, as I tucked him in that everything written before now was lost. But, I changed him into his PJs, gave him his sippy and began to say bedtime prayers. As I peeked at him, halfway through, his sippy was at his side and his hands were folded together. When finishing, I said AMEN, and he echoed, "Mee Meen." Oh, how I love that booger. And, in case you didn't figure it out, my computer didn't shut down entirely with the click of the button, so all was not lost.
The Main Course, Continued:
Back to the meat and potatoes...Once our marriage hit it's rock bottom, once I realized that Jose and I could not carry this world alone and once we agreed that one of the necessary committments we needed to make was to find a church, God has carried us. He has changed my heart and he has changed Jose's heart. Before, if I had to work late, a fight ensued. Before, if one of us wanted to help someone financially or another way, a fight ensued. Before, if we discussed any Biblical topic, a fight ensued. Before, if one of us wanted to join some friends for the night, a fight ensued. Before, if finances were tight, a fight ensued. Now....the change is vast. Yes, we still argue. Yes, we still have struggles. But, it's different. Like a weight has been lifted. And all I want to do is share that with everyone I love, everyone I know, everyone I meet. No, I'm not a Bible thumper. No, I'm not going to force religion and God down your throat if I meet you in line at the grocery store. But, if you ask, my eyes will gain an extra sparkle and my speech will gain some speed and my passion will pour out of me.
But, there's more to ministry and sharing God's love than asking them to join church or to pray for their salvation. Many people are not there yet in their journey. Maybe I understand this all too well. I graduated from college, a faith-based college, five years ago. I had a passion for God when I started there, but when I left, I just wanted to be done. It's not the school's fault. I just wasn't at a point where I felt that I needed God. Maybe it was my age. Maybe it was my relationship with my boyfriend of 4 years who had no faith. Maybe it was my rebellion against my mom. Or maybe it was my agression towards my father. Maybe it was my friends. Maybe it was my love for secular music and movies. Maybe it was a combination of all these things and more. Either way, I graduated, five months pregnant and was married to that boyfriend. Through the next four years, I thought about finding a church. But, it wasn't important. My daughter was born. I had a good job with continual raises and promotion. We moved. We got a car. We were "good" people. Why did we need God? Without Him, we were doing amazing things. We bought a house. We got another house. Jose had a stable job with awesome benefits. We were able to afford a vacation and we bought stuff. Our son was born on February 23rd.
On April 6th, my husband began his physical affair after a lengthy emotional affair. I had my mom take the kids many weekends and I would escape life at the bar during the months after Teo was born. On May 5th, Jose told me. Certain circumstances led him to confess, although I am certain that guilt was not one of them. The consequences were grim. Through the days and nights of numbness, followed by stabbing pain and endless tears, I knew. I knew before May 5th. Many of those days and nights of numbness and pain occurred before the confession. Suddenly, like a slap in the face, I realized that without God, we were failing miserably. We couldn't keep our heads above water. We were like watching a train wreck in progress.
I will never forget the reactions that came from friends and family. One such person was "shocked" because we had it all, including the "fenced in yard for the kids to play"...she was heartbroken for us, not because of what we were enduring, but because we had the perfect life according to our stuff - the house, yard, cars, clothes, possessions. Others were just amazed by how well we held it in until that point. Still others found no wrong in what happened, or gave Jose a manly pat on the back for accomplishing something that some men cannot.
However, I know that if anyone had asked us, during those four years between college and the affair to join them at church or to accept God back into our lives, we would have kindly told them no. We were good people. We didn't need church. We didn't need God.
One of the consequences that I required to attempt to fix our marriage and our life was Church. And, I won't lie, it wasn't because we needed God. At least, I didn't see that yet. I originally had the thought that if I got Jose to church, he would find new friends that had morals, friends that would call him out if he tried to cheat again. And it never once crossed my mind that I needed God, but of course, Jose did. I was utterly wrong. Growing up in a church didn't make me any better than Jose. Going out and getting drunk beyond comprehension every weekend didn't make me better than Jose. I can honestly say that if he hadn't cheated, he would have done something else, or I would have. If it wasn't an affair, it would have been drinking beyond control or finding relief in drugs or becoming suicidal. We were a wreck, but we were too blind, too "in control," too numb to see.
So, if anyone asked us to join them at church or if anyone encouraged us to find God, we would have said "okay, okay," but we never would have taken the steps to actually do so. I mean, really, we were so "okay" and "fine" that we didn't need anything else.
Sadly, it took everything crashing and burning for us to see that something needed to change. Unfortunately, we are not the only people who operate that way. And when doing ministry, it's always a guessing game. Often, when things are going well, people fail to see why they need religion, faith, and God. Othertimes, in other situations, when things are failing miserably, people fail to see how religion, faith, and God could possibly help them. So, when serving others, we cannot focus on salvation. We cannot serve them only dependant on them coming to church or joining a congregation or Bible study. So, when I speak to someone, when I serve, oftentimes, I barely mention faith aside from saying that I work for the church. By saying that, they know where I stand. I am not going to push religion on them and ruin any chance of relationship that may exist. Patience has shown me that there is always a time. And God will always provide the opportunity. By creating lasting relationships and by helping people with their immediate needs, I am acting out Christ's love. I am showing them God's heart without saying a word about religion. And I have seen, in my short time since reaffirming God as my God and Christ as my Savior, that when you love people like that, sooner or later, they start the conversation about faith. And that is more powerful than door-to-door ministry and outreach.
In the past few months, I have seen more God-incidences and miracles that I can track. I have seen pain. I have hugged total strangers. I have given business cards to people in the weirdest circumstances. I have cried for these people. I have prayed and begged God on behalf of these people. I have met amazing workers, doing the task that God has given them whether it be counseling or housing or case work or serving in a factory. I have seen the hand of God in the world in a way that I never have seen before and all I had to do was to open my eyes and open my heart.
Everyday, I yearn for this. I breathe for this. I love this and I want to serve God through the people as long as he grants me the ability to do so. I think about how blessed I am constantly. I think about how honored I am to have God allow me to do His work in such a small scale. I only pray that He gives me the words, the knowledge, the right thing at the right time, so that I'm not acting in a human means, but as more.
I pray that God continues to carry me, my marriage, my family, my church, my pastor, my work, my friends, my acquaintances, my interactions to come together for His master plan. Because I cannot fathom doing anything differently than I do now. I cannot see anything else satisfying my hunger more than this does. And I am eager and anxious to see what God will bring to this ministry in the next year, or two years, or five years, or twenty-five years...This is the food I want to eat to be full.
The Dessert:
Chocolate chip cookies. They are my weakness. I cannot eat one without desiring another. I guess it's like this desire to serve. I get a taste of how hard and emotionally draining and stressful it can be, however, it is so glorious and rewarding, that I must go back for more. Fortunately, my position in life is not as fattening as cookies are.
Thank you for joining me for my meal. God bless.
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