Fear and Faith

Last night, after blogging, we talked. Jose and I. It wasn't an amazing talk, but it was a start.

Today, after admitting my fears of a reoccurrance of last years misery, I had signs everywhere to remind me. The location of the conference was a church where we had attended with "her" early in our marriage. Her family still attends there. The lunch was catered by the restaurant where "she" works. Even so much as the flyer in the stall where I had to pee was for the nonprofit agency for pregnancy where "she" went and where "her" mom still works.

I was really struggling with it all, until a friend replied to a message and turned my eyes to a new way of seeing: "I think He may be trying to let you know that you have nothing to worry about. You are with Jose... he stayed for you and the kids! Maybe God is just trying to get you to face something you dont want to to prove that your love is stronger than you think it is!" Wow. What a true change of perspective.

I kept thinking quite a bit throughout the day and realized that more than anything, I let the fear of it happening again paralyze me and cause me to become hostile last night. The hurt became my shield and I turned to the offensive. I became so ready to walk away before I could get hurt and didn't stop to think of all the massive changes we have made in the last year. Above anything else, the change that makes the most difference is the invitation of God to our family and our marriage. It's hard to find faith sometimes, and this is one of my weak points - to let God work and do what needs done in our home.

Dear God, continue to give me strength, as this fear will not quickly dissappear. Give me guidance to use You in dealings within my home, my family, and my marriage. Remind me of your wonderful power and ability to renew my life. Thank you Jesus for your death and rebirth so that I am reminded that areas of my life need to die to be reborn. Amen.