Scared as Hell, and Almost as Mad.

I am so mad at my husband tonight. I don't know why. It's not one big thing, but a cummulation of so many small things today that I just can't handle it.

It's like backsliding. Going back to a little over a year ago, back when everything happened, back when my world came crashing down. And he just doesn't seem to care. But, I can see it. The repeated arguements, the lack of change. It's like we're on repeat. And part of me is on edge, just waiting for our marriage to crumble apart again. And although I've done it once, I don't want to build the pieces and put them together again. And since I didn't do it properly the first time to stop the mess, I don't know how to do it this time either.

We still don't talk. Immediately after everything last year, we talked. A lot. About the mess and about other things, other deep and meaningful things. Now, we don't talk. We barely even talk about the mundane and stupid crap.

And my feelings and emotions still don't matter. I can tell him how I feel or if he hurts me, and I'm always wrong. I am always being stupid or ridiculous or whatever.

Today, after being angry for over two hours, he tries to talk to me. I was explaining the first of many hurts today and said that it hurt my feelings that he said a sketch wasn't very good. His arguement was, "That's not what I said. What I said was, 'I don't like it.' " Yea. That's exactly it.

Then, I tried to shrug it off. Started saying that I called Sprint because my phone is horrible and I wanted to know if I could get an upgrade. His first comment, "What about my phone?" I have had my phone for over a year. He has had his for a few months, and in the time that I've had mine, he has switched phones about three times. I got upset. He said I was being dramatic.

Shake it off. Change subject. I ask if he can take the kids to the babysitter tomorrow because I have an all day conference. "Why?" he asks. "Because I have an all day conference." "What time?" he asks. "I just told you," I say, "All day." He repeats, "What time?" "ALL DAY" "Like from when?" "Ugh," I moan, "from 8 to 3:30 or so." His response, "Why can't you take them then?" Breathe Carla. Breathe. I am home with the kids most every day. I take them to the sitter. I often pick them up. Until a week ago, we spent three months without him having a license, which means every time they went to the sitter, I took them and got them. And before that, we had the agreement that we would alternate with taking kids and picking them up.

Ok, shrug it off. Move on. Suck it up Carla. So, dinner is ready. I start serving it up. We had used up two old half empty bags of french fries and chic. nuggets and opened a bag of tater tots and chicken tenders. I filled up a huge pizza pan. Asked him if he wanted fries or chicken nuggets, nope, just tator tots and tenders. Then, he got mad that there were only five tenders and about the same number of tots on his plate. I said that he'd hafta wait until I served all four of us (he was second) to see what was left over. He threw a fit and said he would find something else to eat. I threw his plate on the counter and left the room. And yes, I know, at this point, I was so fed up, I was being dramatic. I just can't handle it. He and the kids ate dinner. I didn't.

Two hours later after watching a movie, he tries to be all cute. No apology. Nothing. Just tries to get kisses and keeps saying "I love you."

Too bad. Sometimes, "I love you" doesn't compare to a simple and heartfelt "I'm sorry." And sometimes, just keep your mouth shut if you don't have anything nice to say. And sometimes, remember that you don't get things all the time for you. And sometimes, helping out without a fight is the best thing you can do.

This morning, I did the dishes that we accummulating in the sink since Sunday night when I made the deal with him that I would do laundry if he did dishes. I did laundry. He spent about four hours watching Fox. This morning, I cleaned the counters that were covered from dinner last night which he made while I worked and took out the trash that was filled last night while I worked. This morning, I reminded him to go to the BMV and the gym. I then had to pack his gym bag and take him paperwork for his license. I also had to go to Merri's about an hour later than planned because he requested I bring him Taco Bell. I barely got a thank you.

I am extremely sorry for the bitch session, but I am frustrated and I am hurt and I am scared. This is a mere step from the path we took before and I cannot go there again, in any form: addiction, drunkenness, affairs, screaming fits, etc...the situations are all the same deep down within and I am not strong enough to go through any of them. Days like today scare the hell outa me.