I'm A Quitter.

I don't think I would ever be so proud to say those words...I AM A QUITTER.

But, here I am...admitting it to the world. Moreso that simply admitting it, I'm proud of it. I'm willing to scream it from the rooftops. I'm wanting to tell every single person that I pass on the streets. Yet, I haven't told people yet.

I made the decision that this time, I wasn't going to share it. In the past, when I told people, the reaction was adverse, to say the least. It didn't help me and the people were not supportive in the way that I wanted them to be. So, instead, this time, I just decided that I was going to do it. Alone. For myself. And, I have.

I have been ready to be a quitter for a long time now. I really never expected it to go this far. And, I grew to have a self-loathing about myself for it. I reached a point where I hated it. I hated everything about it, but yet, there I was, doing it again and again and again. And that caused me to hate me. But yet, I didn't stop. I couldn't stop.

There have been many times that I said I was going to stop. Or even that I tried to stop and quit quitting (does that make me a double quitter?). But, I never did. I kept doing it.

What makes this time different? I don't know. I just want to be different. I'm ready for serious changes, including serious health changes. And I just couldn't make myself understand how I could be healthy, lose weight, and work out, while continuing to do it.

So, I finally quit. Yes, I quit smoking.

A week ago, I took my last puffs on a cigarette. And I quit.

Cold turkey. No gum. No patches. No licorice sticks. Just quit. And I'm done with it. I pray and pray for the strength to be done forever. To forever be a quitter.

I had reached a point where I would take the cigarette out of the pack and just hold it for a half hour before smoking it, because I wanted to feel it, but not actually smoke it. I had reached a point where immediately after smoking, I would drink a glass of water because I hated the way my mouth felt and tasted. I had reached a point where I would sit outside while I smoked, thinking of how much I hated it and praying for God to help me quit.

I have smoked for nearly half of my life. That thought scared me. When I thought about it, I hated the idea that soon, I would be smoking for more than half of my life. So, now, the number will become a smaller fraction. I will celebrate when I can say that I only smoked for a quarter of my life (although that means I will be over 40 years old, so I'm not sure it'll be all celebration...lol!).

My kids have never known me as a non-smoker. Even while I was pregnant, I cut down, but never quit. I hated myself for that. To be truthful, Jose has never known me as a nonsmoker either. I smoked when we met and I continued to do so. When he'd argue with me and ask me to quit, I was always quick to answer that he knew I was a smoker when we met, when we began dating, and when we got married.

I spent two years of my life teaching kids to say no to tobacco, and then, I'd leave and smoke a cigarette. It was hypocritical, but it was a job, and knowing the fight that I had with smoking, I was passionate to tell as many kids as possible to not do it. I helped get our city to have a smoking ban and not allow smoking in public places. I firmly believed in that then and I still do now. Smoking is a personal and private thing and should not be forced upon others.

I sincerely thought I was going to smoke until I died. I know that there is still a ton of health problems that may arise from it. I also know that simply by quitting, I have made huge steps to changing that outcome. And I pray that God gives me strength to continue to live a more healthy, active lifestyle to make my chance of a long, healthy life better.

So, yes. I am a QUITTER! And I am damn proud of it!

Listen up Satan...

There's a war going on.

My life has become a warzone. I have entered into it unknowingly, but I am not going to falter.

The last few days, things, as silly and petty as they may seem, have been happening, and somewhere in my core, deep in my soul, I know they are not just things. There is a battle going on over my soul. God is using me and doing things in my life. I have asked Him to come in, to enter me, to enter my life and to use it to glorify His will, not mine. And He has. (Isn't God so amazing?)

So, here I am at a national conference for my denomination. God is here. He is HERE. I can feel Him. Sense Him. Hear Him. Taste Him. (Isn't He wonderful?) And Satan is scared. He is scared by the power. He is scared by my recent dedication. Satan has seen that this time, this love for God is real, embedded inside of my soul, and he is shaking in fear. So he has began to fight back.

I quivered. At the latest trial (I found out that I'm here, 3 hours from home, in a hotel, with very minimal spare change, with a flat tire...and no tire iron or car jack with the nearest mechanic chain which we have a credit account for over an hour away and no cash financial means to get it fixed until tomorrow), I did shed a few tears. I did panic. I'm far from perfect...(But I focus on the fact: God is superior.)

But, I also took a deep breath. And then realized that God is in control. He has it taken care of. If I just would let go of the grip I hold, if I will only release my fist and let Him take it, He will. And it's okay.

So, listen up Satan. I know that you have more tricks up your sleeves, but, they are just that...tricks. But God is bigger than you. His treats are greater than whatever you can dish out to me. And I know that He is in control of my life. He has carried me this far, I know that He will carry me all the way until I am where He wants me. (Isn't God the most glorious Father?) He will use me so long as I let Him. And, Satan, you sneakly lil' devil, have nothing that can compare to the victory that I will have in Him. If I end up homeless, it's in God's plan. If I end up bankrupt and unemployed, it's in God's plan. So far, He has used me, my shortcomings, my trials, to glorify Him. And He won't stop. (God is so good.)

And, hey Satan, I won't stop loving Him and trusting Him. Not this time. I did that once. I wandered away. But, not again. Never again. Am I scared to think of where this may take me? Yes. I am human. But am I going to walk in faith anyways? Yes. So, leave me alone. And even if you don't, too bad. I am going to continue to love God. I am going to sing His praise and give Him glory. I am going to fight. I am going to do everything in my power allow God to do everything He desires to do in my life to glorify Him.

It's like I wrote in a chat with a friend:

I just KNOW that God is working...doing amazing things...here at the conference and in my life in general...and Satan is just RIGHT THERE...trying to mess me up.

And it's freeing at the same time, because for the first time, I really feel it. I really see the warfare going on.

And that, to me, is a huge victory!

Because, before, I would have ran...

hidden...

ignored...

but here I am...screaming out!

And, suck it satan...because I'm still here and I'm still going to walk around declaring God is good and to praise Him.

So, hey, listen up Satan....God is amazing. And you aren't.

[Additional note: As I stood in the parking lot waiting for my amazing pastors/friends to come help me change the tire, since they had tire irons and car jacks, I opened the Bible on my phone and just clicked open a psalm randomly. It was after I had written this post. And here's what I read...Psalms 40: 1 I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. 2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. 3 He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the LORD and put their trust in him. 4 Blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods. 5 Many, LORD my God, are the wonders you have done, the things you planned for us. None can compare with you; were I to speak and tell of your deeds, they would be too many to declare. 6 Sacrifice and offering you did not desire— but my ears you have opened— burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require. 7 Then I said, “Here I am, I have come— it is written about me in the scroll. 8 I desire to do your will, my God; your law is within my heart.” 9 I proclaim your saving acts in the great assembly; I do not seal my lips, LORD, as you know. 10 I do not hide your righteousness in my heart; I speak of your faithfulness and your saving help. I do not conceal your love and your faithfulness from the great assembly. 11 Do not withhold your mercy from me, LORD; may your love and faithfulness always protect me. 12 For troubles without number surround me; my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see. They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me. 13 Be pleased to save me, LORD; come quickly, LORD, to help me. 14 May all who want to take my life be put to shame and confusion; may all who desire my ruin be turned back in disgrace. 15 May those who say to me, “Aha! Aha!” be appalled at their own shame. 16 But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who long for your saving help always say, “The LORD is great!” 17 But as for me, I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me. You are my help and my deliverer; you are my God, do not delay. How beautiful. How perfect. How amazing is God?]

The Decision To Take Time To Decide

Contemplation of contentment is one of the hardest thought processes, I believe. When do you know to move forward, when to climb the mountain, and when to stop?

That above was my facebook status today. I posted yesterday that I'm in a weird position of wanting more. Today has been full of thought and some discussion. Today has been full of many conversations with God.

And what I have decided is that I'm not quite ready to decide.

That's okay right?

I've reached a place where I am serious about the the possibility of a decision. Not too vague, right? In all honesty, the decision doesn't matter.
My therapist is worried that if I don't work to do what I need to do that I will crash. What I heard is that I need to work on me. But, I still need to consider my kids and my husband and my home and my work and my wellbeing. I need to consider my motives and ensure that if I make this decision, I do it for the right reasons. I need to be dedicated, as this decision will be costly of both finances and time. And I need to rely on God to truely show me that this is His wish for me. If this is His will, things will happen to make it work and that will ease my reservations and concerns about it.

And now, I just need to pray. Pray and research and determine what I want to do. Pray and research and trust that God will show me what He wants me to do.

And.....I Go Back.

I just called and made an appointment with my therapist. Again. I am returning to therapy. Again.

I am praying that this is nothing. I am praying that he gives me the tools to walk away and be okay.

More boulders have fallen on top of me recently. Only, these boulders have caused me to questions some elements in my past, some empty areas, some images in my head. And, now, I'm not only coping with the boulder itself, but what it represents.

However, despite the weight pressing upon me, despite the nauseous feeling in my stomach the last few days, I have a sort of peace that God's plan is in action in my life. That God has me right where he needs me. And that the time is now to cope and move forward. I feel strong enough, through Him, to deal with this, which is amazing because the thought of this, a year or so ago, would have ruined me. But the puzzle pieces are beginning to make sense, and if it's not this, I think there is something that I need to figure out. And God wants me to figure it out now.

I know that God is in motion right now, and as scary as this all seems, I know it will be okay.

We Are Meant To Shine

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

~Marianne Williamson

On Friday, I laid down the demand that Jose was taking the kids to the play area at the local mall and I was taking a nice long soak bath, alone, with nothing but me, my ipod, and a book. I grabbed a book from the shelf without thinking much about it. I just wanted to have something to read for pure pleasure, not just for work. However, I'm sure that God led my fingers to guide the book which was chosen. A great book for a great Easter weekend and within two days, the 200+ pages had been read.

Quick synopsis: The book, titled Shattered Silence, is an autobiography by Melissa G. Moore, the daughter of the famous "Happy Face" serial killer. She goes through her life from age five on, as she experiences it, and it was so much more than what I expected. The book is so much more than about having a serial killer dad, but it's about the life of a child in a broken home, growing up without a dad at times, learning how close she was to danger, having a home full of abuse, self-esteem problems, eating for emotional reasons, etc. It was fabulous and I didn't want to put it down. At one point, Saturday night, I even fell asleep reading. It's been years since I fell asleep with a book. (So, in case you don't notice, I recommend you read it and it's well worth the less than ten dollars that it costs on Amazon.com!)

The above quote falls within the last pages of the book. After having a few rough days, with some very emotional arguements with Jose, with dealing with my own self-esteem issues, with struggles of balance...this book was refreshing. It hit home too often with how I feel at times, and although the situations are different, it reminds me of the trials that all of us go through, what it means to be human.

This little light of mine,

I'm gonna let it shine.

This little light of mine,

I'm gonna let it shine.

This little light of mine,

I'm gonna let it shine,

let it shine

let it shine

let it shine.

A Poem For The Hurting

There are a ton of people that I encounter every day, and there are so many of my friends and acquaintances that I really hurting with things right now, so today, I stumbled across this poem in my files. I don't remember when it was written (probably high school) nor what inspired it, but it seemed too perfect...so here ya to. This is for those of you in my life who are suffering:

Don’t cry my friend

For as your tears fall

You’re raining on ants

Who try to stand tall

Those little ants

Are the tiniest things

Yet when you cry

They feel your rain

Don’t worry my friend

For God holds you near

You may not know it

But He counts every tear

He spreads out His arms

And rocks you to sleep

It’s easy to cry

It’s okay to weep

But remember the Truth

That God holds you close

And never forget

That He loves you most

If it happened to me

I would cry too

But my task now is comfort

To help you get through

So dear friend,

All I will say

Is that I’m here for you

Forever and a day