The grass is always greener on the other side...right? I have been seriously frustrated recently with being so busy, having the house to take care of, not having central air, etc. Today, when I was trying to think about what to blog, I found this post...written the first week that I had this blog.
In all of that, we finished one thing. Kinda. We have a basketball hoop now. Stupid.
Showing posts with label *2011 Goals*. Show all posts
Showing posts with label *2011 Goals*. Show all posts
I'm A Quitter.
I don't think I would ever be so proud to say those words...I AM A QUITTER.
But, here I am...admitting it to the world. Moreso that simply admitting it, I'm proud of it. I'm willing to scream it from the rooftops. I'm wanting to tell every single person that I pass on the streets. Yet, I haven't told people yet.
I made the decision that this time, I wasn't going to share it. In the past, when I told people, the reaction was adverse, to say the least. It didn't help me and the people were not supportive in the way that I wanted them to be. So, instead, this time, I just decided that I was going to do it. Alone. For myself. And, I have.
I have been ready to be a quitter for a long time now. I really never expected it to go this far. And, I grew to have a self-loathing about myself for it. I reached a point where I hated it. I hated everything about it, but yet, there I was, doing it again and again and again. And that caused me to hate me. But yet, I didn't stop. I couldn't stop.
There have been many times that I said I was going to stop. Or even that I tried to stop and quit quitting (does that make me a double quitter?). But, I never did. I kept doing it.
What makes this time different? I don't know. I just want to be different. I'm ready for serious changes, including serious health changes. And I just couldn't make myself understand how I could be healthy, lose weight, and work out, while continuing to do it.
So, I finally quit. Yes, I quit smoking.
A week ago, I took my last puffs on a cigarette. And I quit.
Cold turkey. No gum. No patches. No licorice sticks. Just quit. And I'm done with it. I pray and pray for the strength to be done forever. To forever be a quitter.
I had reached a point where I would take the cigarette out of the pack and just hold it for a half hour before smoking it, because I wanted to feel it, but not actually smoke it. I had reached a point where immediately after smoking, I would drink a glass of water because I hated the way my mouth felt and tasted. I had reached a point where I would sit outside while I smoked, thinking of how much I hated it and praying for God to help me quit.
I have smoked for nearly half of my life. That thought scared me. When I thought about it, I hated the idea that soon, I would be smoking for more than half of my life. So, now, the number will become a smaller fraction. I will celebrate when I can say that I only smoked for a quarter of my life (although that means I will be over 40 years old, so I'm not sure it'll be all celebration...lol!).
My kids have never known me as a non-smoker. Even while I was pregnant, I cut down, but never quit. I hated myself for that. To be truthful, Jose has never known me as a nonsmoker either. I smoked when we met and I continued to do so. When he'd argue with me and ask me to quit, I was always quick to answer that he knew I was a smoker when we met, when we began dating, and when we got married.
I spent two years of my life teaching kids to say no to tobacco, and then, I'd leave and smoke a cigarette. It was hypocritical, but it was a job, and knowing the fight that I had with smoking, I was passionate to tell as many kids as possible to not do it. I helped get our city to have a smoking ban and not allow smoking in public places. I firmly believed in that then and I still do now. Smoking is a personal and private thing and should not be forced upon others.
I sincerely thought I was going to smoke until I died. I know that there is still a ton of health problems that may arise from it. I also know that simply by quitting, I have made huge steps to changing that outcome. And I pray that God gives me strength to continue to live a more healthy, active lifestyle to make my chance of a long, healthy life better.
So, yes. I am a QUITTER! And I am damn proud of it!
But, here I am...admitting it to the world. Moreso that simply admitting it, I'm proud of it. I'm willing to scream it from the rooftops. I'm wanting to tell every single person that I pass on the streets. Yet, I haven't told people yet.
I made the decision that this time, I wasn't going to share it. In the past, when I told people, the reaction was adverse, to say the least. It didn't help me and the people were not supportive in the way that I wanted them to be. So, instead, this time, I just decided that I was going to do it. Alone. For myself. And, I have.
I have been ready to be a quitter for a long time now. I really never expected it to go this far. And, I grew to have a self-loathing about myself for it. I reached a point where I hated it. I hated everything about it, but yet, there I was, doing it again and again and again. And that caused me to hate me. But yet, I didn't stop. I couldn't stop.
There have been many times that I said I was going to stop. Or even that I tried to stop and quit quitting (does that make me a double quitter?). But, I never did. I kept doing it.
What makes this time different? I don't know. I just want to be different. I'm ready for serious changes, including serious health changes. And I just couldn't make myself understand how I could be healthy, lose weight, and work out, while continuing to do it.
So, I finally quit. Yes, I quit smoking.
A week ago, I took my last puffs on a cigarette. And I quit.
Cold turkey. No gum. No patches. No licorice sticks. Just quit. And I'm done with it. I pray and pray for the strength to be done forever. To forever be a quitter.
I had reached a point where I would take the cigarette out of the pack and just hold it for a half hour before smoking it, because I wanted to feel it, but not actually smoke it. I had reached a point where immediately after smoking, I would drink a glass of water because I hated the way my mouth felt and tasted. I had reached a point where I would sit outside while I smoked, thinking of how much I hated it and praying for God to help me quit.
I have smoked for nearly half of my life. That thought scared me. When I thought about it, I hated the idea that soon, I would be smoking for more than half of my life. So, now, the number will become a smaller fraction. I will celebrate when I can say that I only smoked for a quarter of my life (although that means I will be over 40 years old, so I'm not sure it'll be all celebration...lol!).
My kids have never known me as a non-smoker. Even while I was pregnant, I cut down, but never quit. I hated myself for that. To be truthful, Jose has never known me as a nonsmoker either. I smoked when we met and I continued to do so. When he'd argue with me and ask me to quit, I was always quick to answer that he knew I was a smoker when we met, when we began dating, and when we got married.
I spent two years of my life teaching kids to say no to tobacco, and then, I'd leave and smoke a cigarette. It was hypocritical, but it was a job, and knowing the fight that I had with smoking, I was passionate to tell as many kids as possible to not do it. I helped get our city to have a smoking ban and not allow smoking in public places. I firmly believed in that then and I still do now. Smoking is a personal and private thing and should not be forced upon others.
I sincerely thought I was going to smoke until I died. I know that there is still a ton of health problems that may arise from it. I also know that simply by quitting, I have made huge steps to changing that outcome. And I pray that God gives me strength to continue to live a more healthy, active lifestyle to make my chance of a long, healthy life better.
So, yes. I am a QUITTER! And I am damn proud of it!
I Feel Good.
A week and a half ago, we went to Wisconsin for my father-in-law's wedding. As we were waiting for the reception to begin, we were chatting with some of my husband's family...
...and his aunt asked me when I was due.
I was shocked. I had no clue what to do. I think I handled it well enough, even though it stabbed me to the core. I basically said I wasn't pregnant, patted my belly, and said that my baby was next to me as I patted Teo's head.
Then, I texted a friend and shared my pain. Because, it was painful. To know that my son is over 2 years old and I look pregnant. To know that the "baby weight" that I have gained over the last 6 years or so is still there and growing. To know that I could afford to lose 100+ pounds. To know that I have let go and not really cared enough to do anything about it. To know that my self control sucks. And that was my final straw.
I am only 26. I can change these habits. I want to look back at my life now and know that these years were the worst years of my life in regards to health. So, the journey has began.
That day in Wisconsin, I knew something needed to change. I wasn't sure how to begin, so vowed that once I returned from the conference in Ohio, I would really begin to make a change. I got home on Sunday. Today is Wednesday. There have been some major changes made and I feel really good about my life. I have joined Sparkpeople.com and will be keeping a health blog there, along with food and excercise tracking. I'm not making a ton of huge changes at the start of it...but making small changes, bit by bit...with hope that they become long term and permenant changes.
Tonight, a friend and I did another night of trekking the neighborhood. Over three miles and tonight we stretched our limits and jogged off and on too. I've been trying to watch my food intake and eating more fresh fruits and veggies and less starches.
Let's see if I can stick to this...I hope so. I feel so good, healthwise, and can't wait to feel even better!
...and his aunt asked me when I was due.
I was shocked. I had no clue what to do. I think I handled it well enough, even though it stabbed me to the core. I basically said I wasn't pregnant, patted my belly, and said that my baby was next to me as I patted Teo's head.
Then, I texted a friend and shared my pain. Because, it was painful. To know that my son is over 2 years old and I look pregnant. To know that the "baby weight" that I have gained over the last 6 years or so is still there and growing. To know that I could afford to lose 100+ pounds. To know that I have let go and not really cared enough to do anything about it. To know that my self control sucks. And that was my final straw.
I am only 26. I can change these habits. I want to look back at my life now and know that these years were the worst years of my life in regards to health. So, the journey has began.
That day in Wisconsin, I knew something needed to change. I wasn't sure how to begin, so vowed that once I returned from the conference in Ohio, I would really begin to make a change. I got home on Sunday. Today is Wednesday. There have been some major changes made and I feel really good about my life. I have joined Sparkpeople.com and will be keeping a health blog there, along with food and excercise tracking. I'm not making a ton of huge changes at the start of it...but making small changes, bit by bit...with hope that they become long term and permenant changes.
Tonight, a friend and I did another night of trekking the neighborhood. Over three miles and tonight we stretched our limits and jogged off and on too. I've been trying to watch my food intake and eating more fresh fruits and veggies and less starches.
Let's see if I can stick to this...I hope so. I feel so good, healthwise, and can't wait to feel even better!
Here's My Reason For Being Absent.
This, my dear friends, is why I have been MIA for a week.
It all started with pulling weeds. Actually, it started with painting the house. I helped Jose as much as possible, but I'm afraid of ladders, so that help was short lived. So, while he spent the week priming the house, I decided to be productive as well. So, I began to pull weeds. And trim the bushes. Then, I began to cut down some bushes that were ugly and out of control.
It should be noted that since moving in in 2007, we have done little to nothing in regards to landscaping. We just had more projects with higher priority. I think that one time, maybe two years ago, I pulled weeds, but just enough to make it presentable. Nothing more.
So, the pulling weeds and trimming took over two nights (Monday and Tuesday) of last week. There was something, I think it may have been parsley, growing ridiculously in the bed. The root system of it was chaos. And trimming the back two bushes was a lot trickier than you'd think...because they are covered in thorns. I had to pull about a dozen thorns from my hands, and that was with gloves on.
The next night (Wednesday) was consumed by digging out unwanted trees and bushes along the side. One of my bff's, Jamie, came over to help and together we were able to remove two bushes that I had cut down to nubs and about four trees that were growing along the foundation. The stupid trees were hidden by untrimmed bushes for the past few years and were about thigh high. So, it was definately an all-night job.
Thursday is my tv night, so I didn't dedicate much time to the yard, but Friday night, I began to see my final plan in my head. However, we had other plans and didn't end up working. The threat of rain and sprinkles coming down contributed to that as well, so on Saturday, Jose and I spent the entire day outside working while my mom had the kids.
I dug out an entire bush to transplant. For about three hours, I dug a hole and carefully dug around the bush as to not damage its roots. Finally, with some man help, we were able to move the bush....two feet away to its new home. My mom laughed at me, but I wanted to be able to have the flower bed line up with the side of the house and the bush was too far over. So, we made it circle around and put it in an empty spot. I also finished up the area, spread the dirt out, pulled the rest of the stray weeds, and removed the rocks that were there.
Yesterday, we did nothing in the yard. It rained all day and we just needed a break. And I took a super long nap, which was amazing.
So, today, we took a trip to Lowes. Bought 63 little bricks (about 50 cents each), 3 bags of mulch (about $4) , 2 bags of planting soil ($2.50), and 4 containers of flowers ($1 each). And ta-da! Lined the area, mulched the area, planted the flowers (and put some in planters by the door), and done. Oh yea, and I planted grass seeds on the left where the flower bed used to be, but where we want grass to grow. And threw our chairs in front, for now.
And, Jose's got the house all primered and will be painting soon. I do believe that maybe, just maybe, we will be done with these large projects (painting the house, replacing the doors, and the front landscaping) by the end of May. That would freakin' rock! Stay tuned!
Holy Crapola Batman....
...there aren't enough hours in the day!
And, I think I have allergies. Which is kicking my butt this spring season. For the last two weeks, I have had at least 5 days of migraines, and the one this morning was a whopper of a headache, leading me to gag on my coffee. However, I have been able to make it go away, once I realized that allergy medicine worked miracles.
And, I have taken up a few extra hours a week doing marketing on the FWFC website. Look for another post soon asking your opinion. The page has changed drastically since the first post asking for your thoughts. There's some more pages I need to create, but overall, it's going well...I think.
And, we havedived dove into house projects. More and more and more of them. It's quite insane actually, but it makes me so happy to see the progress. The garage is painted completely, the back side of the house is mostly painted (except the trim, which is due to my fear of ladders...don't ask.). The side of the house is primed halfway. We have installed a new front door and a screen door, and have two more screen doors waiting to be put in. I have painted the back door and the door to the roof, and put a first coat on the side door. I am also partially through some landscaping stuff. I just pray that the rain stays away. Plus, I need to do a ton of caulking.
And, we have some upcoming events this summer. We are hoping to finish painting the house during Jose's vacation week this month. And, we are having a yard sale this month too. It's also our anniversary weekend at the end of May. Then, we have some plans to make for July with Jose's dad getting married in Wisconsin and a work conference and a possible weekend vacation.
And, our house is a disaster on the inside. If it does rain in the next few days, I will be making some adjustments to our plans and we will spend an evening doing some deep cleaning. The laundry pile is large enough to consume me and no one will ever find the remains. There is a mound of stuff on the landing that needs to find a home. My yard sale pile is overflowing in the kitchen. The foyer looks like a demolition zone from all the work being done, with dirt and sawdust. The basement...oh, don't let me even think of the basement. I may cry.
So. What have you been up to?
And, I think I have allergies. Which is kicking my butt this spring season. For the last two weeks, I have had at least 5 days of migraines, and the one this morning was a whopper of a headache, leading me to gag on my coffee. However, I have been able to make it go away, once I realized that allergy medicine worked miracles.
And, I have taken up a few extra hours a week doing marketing on the FWFC website. Look for another post soon asking your opinion. The page has changed drastically since the first post asking for your thoughts. There's some more pages I need to create, but overall, it's going well...I think.
And, we have
And, we have some upcoming events this summer. We are hoping to finish painting the house during Jose's vacation week this month. And, we are having a yard sale this month too. It's also our anniversary weekend at the end of May. Then, we have some plans to make for July with Jose's dad getting married in Wisconsin and a work conference and a possible weekend vacation.
And, our house is a disaster on the inside. If it does rain in the next few days, I will be making some adjustments to our plans and we will spend an evening doing some deep cleaning. The laundry pile is large enough to consume me and no one will ever find the remains. There is a mound of stuff on the landing that needs to find a home. My yard sale pile is overflowing in the kitchen. The foyer looks like a demolition zone from all the work being done, with dirt and sawdust. The basement...oh, don't let me even think of the basement. I may cry.
So. What have you been up to?
Where's Carla?
Sorry for the lack of posts, but my life has been consumed by deck planning, house painting, migrane fighting, good food eating, church membership obtaining, three job working, scrapbook organizing, garage saleing, movie watching, lots of water drinking, family entertaining, and just busy keeping.
I think some of it is really just trying to stay busy and not think...not that it works. There's something that happens when you are painting a garage door that makes your body go on auto pilot and your brain keeps racing.
However, we really have been busy. We will go into debt with house projects, I'm sure. But, it will be worth it (and we will be able to pay them off quickly) when we have gutters that no longer leak, a tan house instead of a rusty blue one, a beautiful deck, new doors, and a yard that makes sense and is "organized".
I believe half of our time this weekend was spent at Menards. They surely made a mistake when they gave me a credit card there. Surely. (Lowe's made the same mistake!)
And I have every intention of spending all my freetime (in the daylight) in the yard, doing hard manual labor. It's going to be my weight loss plan for the summer. I intend to be sunkissed by the time I'm done as well. So, if you know where I live and drive by, feel free to stop by, but only if you are willing to help! ;)
When it's not feasible to work in the yard, we will be cleaning and finishing up indoor projects. Like mudding the basement walls, Jose will be finishing the under-the-stair shelves in the basement (they are sooo cool!), possibly changing up Isa's mural, building shelving in our closet, remodeling the full size bath upstairs, creating something useful in Teo's closet, painting the play room in the basement, stripping and staining the living room trim and (eventually) painting the living room, etc.
It will never end.......
Oh, and I'm still working and painting and raising kids.
I think some of it is really just trying to stay busy and not think...not that it works. There's something that happens when you are painting a garage door that makes your body go on auto pilot and your brain keeps racing.
However, we really have been busy. We will go into debt with house projects, I'm sure. But, it will be worth it (and we will be able to pay them off quickly) when we have gutters that no longer leak, a tan house instead of a rusty blue one, a beautiful deck, new doors, and a yard that makes sense and is "organized".
I believe half of our time this weekend was spent at Menards. They surely made a mistake when they gave me a credit card there. Surely. (Lowe's made the same mistake!)
And I have every intention of spending all my freetime (in the daylight) in the yard, doing hard manual labor. It's going to be my weight loss plan for the summer. I intend to be sunkissed by the time I'm done as well. So, if you know where I live and drive by, feel free to stop by, but only if you are willing to help! ;)
When it's not feasible to work in the yard, we will be cleaning and finishing up indoor projects. Like mudding the basement walls, Jose will be finishing the under-the-stair shelves in the basement (they are sooo cool!), possibly changing up Isa's mural, building shelving in our closet, remodeling the full size bath upstairs, creating something useful in Teo's closet, painting the play room in the basement, stripping and staining the living room trim and (eventually) painting the living room, etc.
It will never end.......
Oh, and I'm still working and painting and raising kids.
The Future - Quarter Thru
For New Years, I wrote this...however, they were more of goals than resolutions...
It is now April 20th. We are more than a quarter of the way through the year. Where does time go?
One month down, eleven more to go! Now taking bets: Can I do it? If not, which do you think I will complete and which will be deemed as "failures"?
It is now April 20th. We are more than a quarter of the way through the year. Where does time go?
- My therapist has released me and I have been able to regain control of my life. Or honestly, maybe even have control for the first time. I can see it in full effect as I have been hit with a few very tough storms lately. And I haven't had a panic attack or freaked out or even been obsessively thinking about it.
- We have been fully involved and try to spend time with our kids more. Not always the most amazing, but doing more things with them. I am even trying to find out a way to not work in the evenings as much. It breaks Isa's heart whenever I tell her I have to work for the night.
- I have turned to God and he has taken many of my problems and made them lighter on my heart. As I mentioned, I am done with therapy, unless I think that I need to return. It's a continual thing, but I would say I got this one.
- My nutrition isn't the best. But we're trying. More fresh foods in the fridge. More water. Only diet soda (except the occassional Dr. Pepper).
- My physical activity consists of cleaning. That's about it. And we took the kids for a walk last week, and hope to do more as the weather gets nicer.
- I did 15 scrapbook pages in January! I'm not sure about February and March, but I did a craft night with a friend and did 6 more. And I did 21 pages at an All Day Scrap last weekend, and another 8 last night....soooooo...that adds up to 50! :)
- I have been printing photos as the sales occur and I have printed all of 2010 from January to October. Still working on it.
- I have tinkered with my iPod, but it's mostly things like removing duplicate songs. This one is such a huge task, I just don't know what to do.
- We are always working on the house. We have done so many since January...the windows, the dining room re-do, shelf in the craft room, shelves in the pantry and in the food storage room, a shelf in the toy room of the basement. Now, Jose's working on shelves under the basement stairs.
- I have become a lot less focused on facebook and I went through a week or so ago and deleted about 300 people.
- The house exterior and fence will wait until spring has sprung. Really sprung.
- I was doing really good at going to bed fairly around 1 AM (or earlier), except on weekends and times when we are kidless, but those nights are different because I am able to sleep in. And recently, I'm really struggling to go to bed.
- I have a mural order to do, but I am waiting for some more info and confirmation. I also have an appointment to go to this week for another potential job.
- I don't know what I want to do with this idea. I'm not sure what it looks like and I haven't been able to think it through any more.
- I finished Father Fiction by Donald Miller and The Gutter by Craig Gross. I also have two books I am in the middle of reading and have a list of three or so waiting for me. I need to count pages. But I feel like I'm slacking in this area.
- Jose and I took a mini-vacation to Columbus, Ohio in January, and that's all so far. We have some ideas for more though...
- I did a couple sewing projects with the living room/dining room curtains and a curtain for our bedroom closet. I have more to do, but it felt so good to sew.
- However, I haven't done a darn ditty thing in regards to knitting...I did clean the craft room though, so that's a start.
- Again, doors will wait until the weather is a little better. And until we have some money.
- Haha! I haven't had much milk consumption. Oops.
One month down, eleven more to go! Now taking bets: Can I do it? If not, which do you think I will complete and which will be deemed as "failures"?
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