Super Frustrated

...I just need to keep repeating..."it could be worse...it could be worse...it could be worse"...right?

This last week has flown by, and while much has gotten done, sometimes, I wonder if it was more like the whole one step forward and two steps back kinda thing. It's been hard. So hard that today, I was a total grump and made everyone in my house miserable until they allowed me to take a five hour nap. Yes, seriously. I was in such a foul mood that I didn't even eat lunch. I hate feeling like that.

I'm just reaching the point where I'm not winning mom of the year awards, wife of the year awards, homeowner of the year awards, etc. You get the point. Honestly, I may be closer to the homeowner award than the wife or mom ones.

I'm in a mood to complain...complain about my husband, about our house, about the rain, about the projects, and the kids, and finances, etc. So, I'm going to log off now. It's late anyways.

I promise that sometime this week I will try to post something not so gloomy...if we don't end up outside until 11 PM each night this week, that is. Uh...

Crazy

When I went to therapy yesterday, the therapist asked why I was there.

I stated, "For you to tell me I'm not crazy."

His response was, "You're not crazy because if you think you're crazy, you're not. A crazy person doesn't realize that they are crazy so they wouldn't ask if they were crazy. So by questioning being crazy means that you are not."

Got it?

Today, Therapy Was...

...scary.
...emotional.
...anxiety.
...full of doubt.
...frustrating.
...stressful.
...tense.
...exasperating.
...gloomy.
...sorrowful.

I go back next week.

And.....I Go Back.

I just called and made an appointment with my therapist. Again. I am returning to therapy. Again.

I am praying that this is nothing. I am praying that he gives me the tools to walk away and be okay.

More boulders have fallen on top of me recently. Only, these boulders have caused me to questions some elements in my past, some empty areas, some images in my head. And, now, I'm not only coping with the boulder itself, but what it represents.

However, despite the weight pressing upon me, despite the nauseous feeling in my stomach the last few days, I have a sort of peace that God's plan is in action in my life. That God has me right where he needs me. And that the time is now to cope and move forward. I feel strong enough, through Him, to deal with this, which is amazing because the thought of this, a year or so ago, would have ruined me. But the puzzle pieces are beginning to make sense, and if it's not this, I think there is something that I need to figure out. And God wants me to figure it out now.

I know that God is in motion right now, and as scary as this all seems, I know it will be okay.

Unrest and Discontent

I know that this is an issue inside of me. A Carla thing that needs fixed. But it sucks.

I have this need for approval and acceptance. I think it stems from some of the stuff I took in as a kid, where I felt as if disapproval was a sign that I was a failure. People don't disapprove of things that are good and proper. People don't dislike things that should be liked. And when I was a kid, maybe it was true.

But as an adult, situations get much harder. And recently, I have pissed off upset a lot handful of people. But try as I might, I can't determine why it bothers me so much. Other than it's this thing inside of me that feels like I need to be accepted.

Then we get to boundaries. Oh, dear boundaries. I feel the urge to apologize to these people, but try as I might, I'm not really sorry for the things that occurred. I'm sorry for various circumstances and maybe some of the things that happened, but on the whole, I don't see my fault. So, I get the gut feeling when I think about apologizing for what I did. That feeling of being pushed to the edge of a cliff. And then, I ask myself, if I have to apologize and I'm not truely sorry, do I want a relationship built on that? Or is that just begging for more problems?

So I let it go. For awhile. But then, sometimes, it creeps back. And I feel like drudge for it. Because I still have some stupid voice inside of me that says that being a Christian means that people aren't mad at me. And it's stupid. And in my head, I know that it's stupid. But tell that to those things that I internalized as a young kid.

I wish I knew how to let it go for good.

[Disclaimer: This is about three or so situations in general. Most of the time, I really screw up and I am more than willing to apologize and move forward with the relationship. But these in particular, are very very complicated.]

Sometimes, I wonder if it'd just be easier to move somewhere far away and just start over, brand new. Like self-proclaimed witness protection. Which probably wouldn't be so bad since Jose has developed a fear when we are in public that someone is going to mistake him for his brother and kill him....

Ugh.