Like today, I was almost overwhelmed by it. Then, I had to just stop. Seriously, I just had to say it outloud: "Stop." And then, remember that I wasn't the one with the problem.
See, we had some stuff going on recently. (When do we not?) And, I somehow got put into the middle of a very VERY sticky situation. Only, I didn't chose sides. I chose the truth, as I knew it. And, then, to make matters worse, I got subpoenaed.
That's when things got ugly. Very ugly. Name-calling and threats ugly. But, the facts are, me being subpoenaed didn't matter. I had nothing to testify. I was called and I told the truth, but the case was dismissed and then all hell broke lose.
And after the threats and name-calling, we were entirely cut from the lives of the people involved. And, it doesn't really bother me, but it bothers Jose (who was also the one actually recieving the threats and name-calling on my behalf) and he has since tried to make attempts to build a bridge, but I don't necessarily agree with his attempts.
I feel belittled. I feel as if he is sneaking around to build a bridge and in doing so, is going behind my back and stating that I was wrong. But, in my heart and soul, I don't feel wrong. I have prayed and asked God if I should have done things differently, if I should reach out to make ammends, but I do not feel the Holy Spirit calling me to do so. And, the feeling in the pit of my stomach comes when I read the texts my husband sent or hear of the interactions (or attempts of interractions). The feeling comes when I think of reaching out, not when I consider walking the other way and not looking back.
How do you know truth and love when you're knee-deep in a situation where lies, betrayal, sneaking around, and false testimony live? How do you follow your gut when you're not even sure of what the situation truely is? And then, what do you do when you are dragged into that situation, kicking and screaming, by your hair? Then, when it's over, and you're lying bloody and battered on the concrete, how do you move forward? Do you try to build a bridge? Do you make the first steps to make ammends with your attacker? Or, do you keep moving forward, one foot in front of the other (or crawl forward, elbow by elbow) to create a greater distance? Is it Godly to leave someone that has attacked you? Or does God call us to rebuild the relationship? What if I don't really want to? What if my spouse does? Do I apologize when I am not sorry? Do I reach out when I don't want to?
And let's throw another twist in the story....what if the attacker was attacked as well? What if the attacker is actually a victim of another attack?
Today, I looked at my husbands phone and read through some texts that literally made me feel sick to my stomach. And then, I second-guessed myself. And the brick in my gut grew. I spent an hour feeling panicky and with some extreme anxiety. I spent an hour in a fog with my head filled. Then, I had to do something to snap out of it. So, I told myself to stop, then I said that it wasn't my battle to fight; it isn't a battle that I care to fight. Why go into a war when you are not even passionate about the reason for the war?
Fact of the matter is, reaching out won't help. At least, not like this. I wouldn't say that I'm courageous at all, but I'm not afraid either. The day I found out about my husband's affair, I called the other chick and demanded that she come to our home and sit, face me, and talk as adults. Yes, I did. So, it's not that I'm worried or scared. I'm not willing to apologize (because I don't, in this instance, think I was out of line). I think it's worthless to yell or scream or call names. I think threats are stupid. And, in all honesty, I kinda like the silence that has come from it.
Is it ever possible that God tells someone to walk away from a relationship and leave the wounded man in the dirt?
And how do I tell my husband to leave it alone for now (because he is not making it any better)?
3 comments:
Just my 2 cents....take it or leave it...
what is wrong with letting Jose try to make amends, and you not? If he feels like he needs to, why not let him, but make it clear that you have no desire to? I guess I just look at it that Jose is his own person and can decide for himself. I also feel like as part of being submissive to our husbands, that sometimes we just have to trust their decisions and let them do what they need to do (within reason of course.) Maybe this is one of those things that you just need to step back and allow him the freedom to do what he feels he needs to do.
I do believe God wants us to walk away from "bad" relationships. He does not want us to be abused. So if this relationship is toxic to you, walk away from it. You've planted the seeds, and you've done all you can.
Like I said, just my 2 cents. Take it or leave it.
I have no problem with Jose making ammends, but he is not making ammends with the right person. He is making ammends with the primary attacker, not the person he wants to keep his relationship with. And the means that he is making ammends with is not a Godly manner. When reading texts from Jose saying that I was wrong in doing what I did or that another person involved is a "cock sucker" and trying to build bridges on lies and tearing other people down, is not okay. And then, Jose gets mad trying to build the bridge and instead of walking away, he has to get the last word in, consequently throwing an explosive device on whatever bridge has been built. I am perfectly fine with him having a relationship. I have actually given much thought to sending an email to one person stating that Jose had nothing to do with it and there is no reason to hold it against him, that she can be mad at me all she wants, but to allow Jose and the kids to be around. So, I'll step back, but his methods are the problem, not the actual making ammends....
So sorry you are having such a tough time. I'll be praying for you. No real wisdom to impart...but many virtual (((HUGS))) and nods of understanding the overwhelming yuck something like this has attached.
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