I have read the entire book once through. I have blogged the entire book once through. I will now, after completing this post, tuck the book on it's shelf and leave it there, until I feel the need to pick it up again. The "God nudge" to look at it, read a specific thought or chapter, just when I need it. I feel certain that it will not be on my shelf, gathering dust, for long.
In coming full circle, I have blogged through most of the book, chapter through chapter, highlighting lines, paragraphs, thoughts that have struck me and my life. I strongly encourage you to get the book, either from amazon (linked above), another online site, a local bookstore, or even the library (but then you can't write all in it like I did!). And in coming full circle, I have now reached the last chapter. The chapter that hit me the hardest when reading it. The chapter that fueled this post on January 6th.
"When you forgive, you bear the burden that somebody else has given you without holding them accountable."
With forgiveness: "There was still pain, we still might be paying the price for the wrong that was done to us. It's just that we weren't going to make the other person pay for what they'd done; we'd forgiven them."
It strikes me that I can see such growth in so few months. There were things that I had forgiven for two months ago, but there were things that I still held deep inside. It's odd, but the other post was written right when I began counselling, right when I began to learn how to forge healthy boundaries. And forgiveness is very closely entertwined with boundaries, at least for me.
Am I perfect at forgiveness? Not even close. Do I complain about someone doing me wrong? Unfortunately. Do I forgive immediately? Ha. Do I eventually try and try and try to let it go and forgive? Yep. But the key word is eventually.
Does forgiveness mean forgetting? Do you allow someone to come back into your life after they hurt you, time and time and time again, because you forgive them? Every single situation is different. I cannot tell you how to forgive or how to work your way through your situation, because it is yours.
Did I forgive my husband for his affair? Yea. And we have worked our way through it, day by day, sometimes minute by minute, until he has earned my trust and my heart back. And I have to continually forgive him every time that hurt rises back up inside of me.
Do I forgive my dad for being an alcoholic? Yea. But, I have made the decision to not allow him back into our lives at this point until he is sober and reliable. And I feel secure in that decision. For years, I have allowed him to come right back in without no accoutability or even discussion about his drinking problem. Now, it is unstable for my kids and I have put my foot down. Does not having him in my life mean that I have not forgiven him? No. I love him. I forgive him fully. But I will not subject myself and my children to be hurt by his habits.
Do you have an abusive relationship? Is your significant other cheating? Gambling? Addicted to something? Do you have a friend who drains the life out of you? Do you have a long time grudge against someone? Think through the people in your life. Work to forgive them, and pray to know if that means moving forward with them or without them.
I have been freed by learning how to forgive. It wasn't about giving them pardon. Half the time, the other people in my life do not even KNOW that I have forgiven them for something that hurt me. But, over time, forgiveness gives you this weightlessness that you cannot even imagine if you haven't felt it before. Your heart is light and you are not burdened by these emotions and pains of wrongdoings. You may still have the consequences, but the drag of holding onto it is gone.
The what if's go away when you forgive...
What if my husband didn't have sex with her? What if he just stayed here with me? What if I didn't find her on that social networking site bringing her back into our lives? What if I was a better wife? What if I had loved him more?
What if my dad never drank? What if my dad moved back to Colombia when I was a kid? What if he had loved me enough to quit when I was born? What if he had loved my mom more? What if he wasn't such a slut? What if he was born here instead of South America? What if I was a better daughter? What if he had gotten custody of me?
They disappear. Because what if's are a waste of time. And forgiveness shows that to you. It shows you that it's okay how it is. That you can't change the past, that you've forgiven the past, and now, you look forward, towards the future.
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