In talking about boundaries (how to create them, how to know when you need them, etc.), my therapist explained to me how he knows when he's approaching a situation where there is a boundary problem:
"It's like heights. And there is a cliff. I can stand back, like a mile away from the cliff, and even knowing it's there, I'm okay with it. But as I am pushed closer and closer to the cliff, I get this uncomfortable feeling in my gut. And that's how I know that I need to set boundaries."
Easy enough, right? Except for me. He asked if I understood that feeling, if I ever got that feeling. I told him all the time. I thought that it was just stress and that I was supposed to deal with it.
I think I may have hit one of his soapbox moments, but I needed to hear it. He said that one of the problems in society is that everyone assumes that stress (which is short for distress) is a normal part of life. He said, it is, to some extent to be expected, but not constantly. He said that no one should spend their life in a state of consistant distress.
Wow. Simple. Yet so eye opening.
I remember in high school learning about stress. Good stress and bad stress. Eustress and distress. But then, as life progresses, everyone just lumps them together and no one thinks about the differences. Eustress is that stress that is positive, motivating. It's the stress that puts us into action, pushes us to the next level. Eustress is like the jitters before your wedding or the butterflies on the first day at the new job. Distress is the crap. The stuff that people dump on you. The mean comments. The painful memories. The words and actions that you internalize and take personally.
I was to the point where I internalized and took nearly everything personally. I can't do that.
Remember the silly rhyme, "I'm rubber, you're glue, everything you say bounces off of me and sticks to you"? I was the glue, only I wasn't the person spitting the words out. I just sucked everything in. And it hurt. And it began to create layers of dirty junk on me, to the point that I couldn't move.
The therapist told me that I need to create a teflon suit.
He said that right now, I'm a dumping ground. People dump on me. And I just hold onto it all. He didn't say to not be a dumping ground (which is good because I care too much to turn people away), but he said that I need to have a teflon suit so that all the stuff that is dumped on me can just slide off.
Last week, I was talking to Jose about boundaries. And how to create them. He told just kept saying, "You know." And finally, I told him. No I don't. I really cannot think of many instances where I told someone, "No, I don't have time right now" or "That's not my problem"... I feel like I was taught that you do what others ask of you, no matter the consequences.
Obviously, there are certain situations that I learned did not apply. You don't do things illegally. You can say no to sex if you don't want it. But those are a different realm of requests.
But when it came to the day to day stuff, I only knew how to say no if it were an impossible request.
If I was working, and someone asked for me to babysit, I would say no.
If we were out of town and someone requested a visit, I would say no.
If we had plans and were invited to do something, I would say no.
But, anything else, I did not know how to say no to.
Can you watch my kids? Sure. (We were only going to spend the day with family.)
Can you help me with a ride? Why not? (I am only in the middle of dinner.)
Can I borrow five bucks? Yup. (I haven't paid bills yet this week.)
Do you have some time to talk? Of course. (Sorry, kids, but I can't play wii right now.)
Will you loan me a movie? Yep. (Now, assuming that whomever borrowed it last returned it.)
Can we use your car? Yea, I'm not driving it. (But I did have plans to go to the store later.)
I let those "yes" answers take priority over my kids and my marriage and my life. Then, I would have that feeling in my stomach after saying yes. The, "Ugh, I wish I could have said no" feeling.
So, if you are reading this, you probably are my friend. If you are my friend, you may think that I sound pretty crappy right now. You may be kinda pissed because you have asked me for one or all of those things before. Just keep reading to hear me out.
There is a line that needs drawn in the sand. Do I get that feeling of distress everytime I agree to watch someone's kids or lend someone a movie? No. Do I mind talking through someone's problems or lending someone five bucks? No. But every situation is different. I need to decipher them better.
If I am at home, cleaning with the kids and playing games, that is important. At least, it needs to be. And that may be a higher priority than watching someone's kids so they can go to a movie. But it may not be a higher priority than watching someone's kids so they can to go the hospital.
With our collection of a billion dvds, is it a big deal to lend a movie to a friend? No. But the question is, does this friend already have 6 of our dvds that have not been returned?
So, please don't walk away from this thinking, "Carla is a big fat selfish jerk" because that isn't the case at all. But in order to be a better wife, a better mom, and a better friend to my true friends, some changes are in order.
Since Jose thinks that I am the only person out there in the world who doesn't have boundaries, and since he's not helpful in telling me how to create them, what works for you? What is your teflon suit or your wall building technique?
7 comments:
girl- don't defend yourself. don't feel the need to explain it. Your first priority is Jose and your kids. I could be totally off base on this one, but it almost seems like you feel like you have to defend this stuff....don't do it!
you don't owe anyone an explanation. if people don't agree with it, they will go find someone else to leech off of!
love you.
Carla is NOT "a big fat selfish jerk"!! She is a fabulous person and wonderful friend!
I have the same boundary issues that you do. If you find the answers, pleases share!!
Hugs!!
good for you Carla Sue!!!
I wish I could say I was as giving as you. I just flat out say no. Mercy and hospitality are not my gifts. If someone asks me for something and I'm busy, or I just flat out don't want to do it, I just say no. I don't NEED an excuse. I don't need to say "No because...." I only need to say "No." That doesn't mean I always say no. But when I do, I dont feel bad for it.
That said... I need a babysitter Friday night... you in? ;o)
Seriously though... your servants heart is a gift. You and your counselor are right in that you need to use it in a way that is fair to you and your family, but it's a gift nonetheless and I envy you for it.
Jill, I am defending myself. I have a problem with this kinda thing, remember?! I suck at saying no.
Tonya, just keep reading. I'm sure that if I figure anything out, it'll be here.
Thanks Nabrissa.
And Esther, I can't babysit. I'm taking my kids to Jill (hopefully) or somewhere so Jose and I can escape this weekend. So NO. I can't babysit. ;) Hehe. I don't doubt that it's a gift and I want to use it to be able to best serve, not to the detriment of my life. So, hopefully, we are headed in that direction.
Oh man, I will keep listening to see what you figure out because I am that person. The one who no does not exist to. At work. At home. To friends. To family. It doesn't matter.
It is the reason that I come home from a long day at work to watch my niece until nine at night. (in addition to my son.) It is the reason I take on so much at work that I have to go in early and eat lunch at my desk just so I can get off at a decent time to see my son. It is the reason I will change my own plans to protect the feelings of a friend who wanted to do something differently than I did. I am always the fixer, the compromiser, the yes girl for everybody but myself. And many of the relationships where I'm constantly the yes girl, I never get to be on the recieving end of the yes's. It's a vicious cycle.
I have learned to change this some but still have a long way to go. I have learned now as a working mother that my first job is being a mother, everything else is secondary. My job, it's just a job. I like my job but it is not who I am, it is what I do during the day. That wasn't always the case. I used to work like it was the only thing that defined me. Now my real work is at home. He's "three and one two years old" (3 1/2) and he calls me momma. No extra project at work is worth missing extra time with him. That helps me to say no more often at work. Don't get me wrong I'm still a good employee and hard worker, but I don't take on so much that everybody else has breaks while I'm trying to catch my tail all day doing their work I volunteered for when they were "so busy."
Being a momma has also made me learn that sometimes your family really needs you to take a day and chill at home and that's important too. And I've learned it's okay to call up somebody you had casual plans with and say "So and so really needs some one on one attention tonight so we're going to stay in. Thanks for the invite though and we will definitely take a raincheck on storytime. Let me know when it is." That kind of response not too long ago would've literally made my skin crawl just thinking of it. How dare I cancel after I said I would go? But if it is what my family needs, than I have to swallow that and be okay with it. It's usually not as heart breaking and earth shattering as it is when I pictured the let down. I dont' make a habit of cancelling things, but there are moments when it's appropriate and those are the moments that I've finally learned to be able to do so.
whoops, it told me I exceeded the maximum, but the rest of what I was saying was...
But, when it comes to my family I am still not able to say no. Are you coming to the baby shower for so and so? Well the trip really isn't in my budget right now, I'll send a gift though. Oh, but it will be the first baby in the family, you really need to be there. You will be the only one not there. My answer is yes, I'll be there. My mind says are you kidding me? First baby in the family? Does that mean I can't bring the two year old because last time I checked he was the first baby in the family even though he was born outside of marriage. By the way, still waiting on my shower. But sure I'll travel the seven hours to say congratulations to the expectant married parents of the first baby in the family. Hmph!
And then of course there's my sister who casually said "can you pick up Lilly from daycare for a week until I figure something out or get my schedule changed? Sure, no problem. And it wasn't a problem the first week. It wasn't even the first month. But here we are three months later and I still have my niece every night till nine. Now don't get me wrong I love my niece very very much but I am now watching her five hours a day for the last thre months and my sister has made no effort to change that. I mean why would she really? Because I would never stop her. Lately she's even stopping to do her tanning or grocery shopping on the way home from work without calling to say she'll be late. I'm being walked all over and all I get is a call at 10:30 that wakes up both kids to say, Can you have Lilly ready and bring her out to the car, I'm really tired and don't feel like running inside to get her. "Ummm I'm in bed." "Well just throw some shoes and a coat on with your pajamas." Yeah.... somethings gotta change with that situation.
Melissa
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