Have No Fear...

Underdog is here. Ok. Maybe he's not. Well, we do have the dvd on the shelf. In it's alphabetical place, of course.

I went to counseling this afternoon. Right before the appointment, I sat on the kitchen floor with Jose and sobbed my feelings out.

Kurt, my therapist, began to see that there is truely more wrong than just the affair. I admit that. I admitted that this time, it really wasn't Jose. It's me. We talked. A lot. Well, 50 minutes worth. And I agree completely with what he said.

I need boundaries. I suck at setting and keeping them, but I need them. We are going to work on that. I am going to work on that.

There are issues that stem beyond the affair that I need to deal with and dig out. I have no idea what they are, but it's true. This depression stuff goes back a long time, even before I knew Jose.

I have anxiety. Real anxiety. And I have depression issues. Real depression issues. He suggested I speak to my family doctor about them. I don't have a family doctor, but need one anyways, so I shall find one.

After therapy, I came home, utterly exhausted. My sister and her girlfriend were here, so we hung out for a bit. I felt a bit off, but they were okay with it. After they left, I had to return a couple of missed calls. Then, Jose and I talked. A lot. Well, I talked a lot. Then he talked a little. Then I talked a lot more. And I cried a lot. I basically had to shed all my layers to him and show him that I don't hold it together as well as I seem to. And that sucked. But I made it clear that this wasn't necessarily about him or the affair. Yea, it's true that the affair is what pushed me over the edge and has caused me more anxiety and depression, but it's not the sole cause of it. If it were, I wouldn't have suffered before he cheated. But I did. In high school. In college. As a newlywed. I have these flashbacks of darkness, locking myself in the bathroom and crying on the floor, going for walks and sobbing, laying on the floor with a knife in my hand.

And in part of my head, I understand that it's irrational and stupid, but the other part of my brain cannot stop it. I obsess over things until they literally make me sick. And I need to stop. I am ready to stop. I don't want to repeat this cycle over and over and over. I need to veer from this path for the better. For my marriage and for my kids. And it's going to be hard, but I'm ready to do it. I'm ready to feel okay.