Today was one of those days.
Maybe it's the weather. The cold and the snow reminds me of the day when the phone call came about the birth of a baby. And when we stood out in the bitter cold while my husband swabbed his cheek, while the other chick swabbed her cheek, and while the baby screamed in the car while having a swab being done as well.
Maybe it's the lack of relationship that we've had. The days and evenings are just a pattern of going through the motions. We are civil, we flirt, we watch television. We don't really talk. After the kids are tucked in, he goes to the gym. I paint. He goes to bed and I stay up.
Maybe it's the way that I stay awake until every ounce of my body is exhausted so that I can fall into bed and not have the moments of thinking before slumber comes. I am already half asleep when I lie down.
Maybe it's the impending court date of a totally unrelated incident that just fuels my fire and causes me to blame more. That makes forgiveness harder.
Maybe it's the way that we tiptoe around it so often. I can talk freely to anyone about the affair...anyone except my husband. At one time, he actually encouraged me to speak to my friends instead of him. It makes him uncomfortable. Sometimes, I want to throw a photo frame or a cup of hot coffee at his head and scream that he has no idea what uncomfortable is.
Maybe it's the discussions I have had with others recently. Others who have been involved in an affair, who are victim to an affair, who have treaded too closely to an affair, or who know similar betrayal that I feel.
Maybe it's the knowledge that in less than a month, the baby girl who was concieved by my husband and his mistress less than two months after Teo was born will be celebrating her birthday.
Either way, tonight, my heart is heavy.
7 comments:
i'm sorry you were vividly reminded of all of that... yesterday was rough for us too... i was heavy hearted also, for different reasons, but still... anyway, i hope the Lord can lift the weight off both of our hearts a little today ... ily
I had a crappy day yesterday too. I was grumpy and frustrated. Feeling like my faith isn't enough. feeling guilty for wanting to tell God where to go and what to do with himself.
I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. I hate that Jose did something that really was not the desire of his heart, but the desire of his flesh. (Stole that one from the porn widow...but it's so true.) I'm sorry that you are broken and hurt.
when you have a chance, read this blog post. It is amazing. It's put into words what I haven't been able to say. http://lukesexton.blogspot.com/2010/11/broken-but-blessed.html
i love you. don't let satan attack you when you are weak. don't give him that foot hold. he knows how to get you down, and he knows what will grate at you. don't let him have an ounce of power. (at least that's what i was telling myself yesterday when i was feeling broken, hurt, and not good enough)
It sounds like you guys do more together than Dustin and me. We eat supper (I usually eat before he even gets home from work so that I can go for my run right when he gets here). Then he usually gets right on the couch and plays video games, or rides his bike when the weather is warmer. So I am left alone to entertain Alexis and put her to bed. Then I knit or clean the house up while he does his thing, though it usually takes me hours to get Alexis to bed. I go to bed after midnight. He comes to bed like after 1 (or like 3-5am on the weekends). We go to his parents' and visit with them for a few hours (usually on Sunday evenings). That's the extent of what we do as a family:)
I always thought this was how it is supposed to be.
I would not be as loving or as forgiving as you though, as far as an affair would go. Neither would Dustin. We might be boring, but we would hope that we would spice it up with eachother before seeking out somebody else (or putting ourselves in an unsafe position where somebody else can prey on us). Sometimes the boring, as it is done in the same house, and the realization that he provides for our family and I try to keep the house in order, is enough for us to understand our love for eachother... If that makes any sense.
I hope things have improved for you guys since a year ago. you seem to have come a long way through this. I am sure it would take a lot of time to rebuild anything with a person who has betrayed you. He should appreciate this chance he is given. I hope you can find a way work on communicating to him what you are feeling about all of that.
This is a scripture reference that resonates with Amos, and over time I find that it resonates with me as well.
This is Paul speaking in Romans chapter 7
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?
For whatever reason, it helps me to know that Paul is a screw up. That Paul , a godly man, is not always so godly. That doesn't excuse what Jose did of course.
(And the line that says "Sometimes, I want to throw a photo frame or a cup of hot coffee at his head and scream that he has no idea what uncomfortable is." could have been stolen right from my lips) But at the very least it gives me insight that maybe he's still a good man anyways... and maybe loving him isn't such a waste of my time after all.
I'm praying for a better day for you today.
You really need to rightly divide the word of God. The bible states, he who practices sin is of the devil. That means continue in sin. Not heeding to the holy spirits conviction. Affairs do not "just happen". It's a result of practicing sin. It starts with a little wink, then a spoken flirt, then lunch, and on and on. Which is all sin. If you commit adultery in your heart, it's the same as the actual action. I'm not posting this to hurt anyone, but you are not bound by God to this marriage. It's in the bible. I hate divorce, God hates divorce. But, I've been there. If you are saved, seek God. He will show you the truth.
Thank you Nabrissa, Jill, Brenda and "Esther". Your words have truely helped. It's one of those things that just comes back to haunt me on occassion.
Anonymous, your comment was hurtful, whether you meant it or not. I understand that I was not bound to this marriage. I chose to work at this marriage. And I am saved. I do seek God. The sin came at a time that was very dark, for my husband and for myself. Since then, we have recommitted our lives and recommitted our marriage. That is the truth. And affairs are often not based on lust. This one surely was not. It was based on hurt and pain and insecurities. I am certain, as well, that the Bible, Jesus even says that "He that has no sin may cast the first stone." Maybe you should reflect upon your imperfections before pointing out ours. Have a blessed night.
I am totally having a heavy hearted weekend. I hope you get to feeling less heavy hearted!
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