The Fine Line

There is a fine line between sanity and insanity. I'm never sure when I have crossed it, but I often feel as though I am very close to walking the line. If I would have posted last night, I believe you would have agreed and if you have a personal relationship with me, you would have encouraged me to admit myself to the behavioral health center.

There is a fine line between having a healthy marriage and an unhealthy marriage. I often question which side of the line Jose and I are one. We teeter totter across it, back and forth, so often. It's dangerous to consider divorce or separation on a regular basis because sooner or later, I'm afraid we will decide it is for the better to be apart. I wonder if we are just afraid of what lies on the other side of that wall. I think we may be afraid to be alone. But we do love each other.

There is a fine line when love is not enough. I have told Jose a hundred times that "I love you" is not enough to keep us together. They are just words when they are said and until there is action behind the words, they do not mean anything. And even when there is action behind the words, it may not be full. The word "LOVE"
has such a depth that no one can ever fufill it. I wish it wasn't commonplace to say it, unless thinking through the meaning. The sacrifice. The elements that "love" is comprised of. Love is not easy.

There is a fine line between being wealthy and being poor, in relationships. In this book I'm reading, it talks about four relationships needed: with God, with self, with others, and with the world (I think that's the last one). It's exhausting. And I feel as if I fail at this. I don't know if I'm just a sucky person or if the people I have relationships are sucky people (or a combination of the two, which is most likely the truth-except the relationship with God...only sucky person in that is me...). I have a hard time balancing everything and everyone.

There is a fine line between being wealthy and being poor, financially. We struggle with living on this line. Where we are blessed enough to have steady income and pay our bills, but there is not a lot of money left for things like vacations or special treats. And Jose grew up in poverty, so he finds value in possessions. It's difficult because I was raised on the line, with some luxuries, but only after saving and pinching pennies, but not ever being without. Jose grew up without. And now that we can afford it, he wants to buy it. No matter what it is. And the value of the possessions is meaningless, because he doesn't respect what he has, so things end up broken and torn up far too often.

There is a fine line between communication and failure to communicate. There are so many times when we talk, but nothing is being said. We are saying words, but there is no communication being done. And when we fail to communicate, our relationships generally follow by crossing the line to being unhealthy. You cannot force someone to communicate with you. You cannot communicate alone. And you can talk all day long, but if the other person isn't listening, it isn't communication. And you can listen all day long, but if the other person isn't speaking from their heart, it isn't communication.

The fine lines in life are blurry and sometimes, you cross them without even realizing it.

Wedding Memories

I have a terrible memory. Seriously.

But recently, I have been working on our wedding scrapbook, hardcore. (I'm only 4 pages away from it being done. Whoo hoo!)

And, sadly, there are many things that I don't remember in detail from our big day, which was nearly six years ago. But as I look at the photos, I fall in love over and over again with my hubby. And, I am reminded of some of the small details which make up our wedding day.

• My soon-to-be husband was late. Yes. Seriously, we has planned to have many of our individual photos taken before the ceremony, but instead, we only got to take mine. Jose was not there on time.
• The ceremony is mostly a blur, but I do remember that quiver in Jose's voice as he began to say his vows. The quiver was holding back tears of joy.
• The photographer was a professional, but she was just starting on her own. Her skills were...okay. However, she failed to understand the proper pronunciation of Jose's name. Instead, she continued to address him as Josie (like the girl name) through out the entire time.
• Jose remembers the neverending demand of "kiss her" from the photographer and now points it out when looking at the photos, how all the kisses were forced and fake.
• Our reception was to be dry, as in no alcoholic beverages. However, half of our guests failed to understand the importance of it; therefore, during most of our reception, a crowd was gathered in the parking lot drinking, including my dad and Jose's dad, and half of our groomsmen.
• I didn't dance very much. I was super tired (being five and a half months pregnant). And Jose doesn't dance.
• Going pee in my wedding dress (I only went pee once the entire day after getting my dress on) was crazy insane. I do believe there were half a dozen people in the bathroom with me and my dress alone filled the stall. More photos were taken of me in the bathroom than I care to know. And it was wonderful preparation for having a baby...with everyone seeing what was under my skirt.
• Jose continues to tease me about the amount of food I consumed at our reception.
• I have no clue what song Jose and his mom danced to. I had two father-daughter dances. My dad and I danced to Michelle by the Beatles and my stepdad and I danced to the song, "I Hope You Dance."
• We barely speak to half the people that attended our wedding. We have grown so different since then. That's one of the reasons we have considered renewing our vows in the future.
• A fight broke out during our reception between two of my uncles. It started with my mom saying something to a little girl about her behavior towards my neices (who were our flower girls), who's dad then got mad at my mom and started running his mouth, only to have his brother-in-law stand up for my mom. It lead to them going to the parking lot and punches being thrown. Needless to say, they were both drunk (hence the reason we didn't want alcohol at the wedding to begin with).