Stupidity. Stupid stupid stupidity.

Ugh. Sometimes, I just don't know what I'm thinking...

It's been a difficult afternoon. We found out that my niece has leukemia. They tested her bone marrow today and that was the result. We know nothing else.

I also decided to scrounge the internet tonight. It's something stupid. I know it is. But, I did it anyways. I went a little more extensively than normal and opened up some very painful wounds of the affair. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

But really, who am I kidding? We act like it's no big deal. We have just buried it. Yea, we talk about it, but it's like talking about a movie...distant, impersonal. Then, stupid crap like this...and I realize that it is real. There is this chick and this little girl out there who are forever connected to my husband and it makes me want to throw up. Seriously. I want to puke. I want to curl up in a ball and sleep for a week. I want to die sometimes. And, it hurts.

Sometimes, I wonder if it'd hurt less if it were different. Would it be more real if we saw baby S. grow up? I mean, I know it would be painful, but would it be a different kind of pain? A pain that I could tolerate?

Would it hurt less if we ended our marriage? Would I be able to just walk away?

Will it ever hurt less? I mean, on nights like tonight? Will the pain ever cease to exist?

Will I ever stop looking? Stop searching? Stop thinking about it?

Sometimes, I just want to walk away and never look back. Tonight is one of those sometimes. Do you think anyone would notice if I just left, began walking or driving, and didn't return? Would it be like the affair? Would it just hurt at first and then it'd become pushed inside, so deep it didn't seem real? Would they forget me? Would I forget them? Would I dare try?