When I Fear the Worst...

The darkness of the bedroom as I prepare for sleep is when I carry the most fear. As a child fearing monsters in the closet, I feel the weight of things pressing on my chest. My heart aches in the silence and I fear the elements of that which I cannot change. Promises of change go unfufilled and I cannot sleep. I pray. Pray for patience and for my marriage. Tonight, I pray for my marriage. The days go smoothly and for that, I should be grateful. But the lack of conversation when I beg for words cannot be ignored. I cannot go on like this. We have fallen into the pits of "normalacy" and it is an act. When things fall apart and communication fails, we are back to the era of before the affair. And we were not okay then. We are not okay now. The sound of light snoring next to me is the constant reminder. I beg for conversation. I want to cry out for words to be exchanged, but he sleeps. Ignoring the hurt that he causes with his silence. The silence, the lack of communication that leads to detriment in my marriage is what I currently fear the most....

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